(no subject)
I'm so sad. I'm miserably sad. I'm surrounded by people but I feel so alone. Everything in my life has been turned upside down in the last year. All my plans, my well-being, my future has changed.
I was going surprise Her with a summer trip to DisneyWorld, and on my way down to Florida, I was going to stop by her parents' house, meet her father for lunch and ask him if he would allow me to take his daughter's hand in marriage.
I would rent a room for a couple days at Disney's Animal Kingdom Resort. Now, the first night, I would have our dinner table set up with a bunch tulips and candles just to make her think I was going to ask her to marry me there. I would let her know that everything she does for me, I appreciate. I notice the little things and those little things are what make me fall in love with her over and over and over again. I would let her know that the last couples years of my life, we have grown older, but she looked exactly the same as the day I laid eyes on her. I would let her know that she's the strongest person I've ever met and that together, nothing could stop us. And then I wouldn't ask her. Because I don't think she remembers telling me how she wanted to be proposed to, but I remember.
She told me she younger, she always dreamed of being proposed to on splash mountain, right before the drop, and that on the way down, the camera would capture the rush of emotions. Now, I'm a bit of a romantic, and no matter how cheezey it would seem, that's exactly how I was going to do it. Afterwards, we would get off the ride, soaking wet, and call everyone. Laughing the whole way through the rest of the park as we try to explain the "how did he do it??!?" question.
Then we would be engaged and after she graduated from school and started her internship, it would be right around the time I get out of the Army, 2 years later. We would have made plans to be married as soon as I got there, or even earlier, and we'd have this beautiful wedding, so she wouldn't have to be the 'bridesmaid' anymore. After that, we would finally get to have our life together.
I can say all this stuff because it's never going to happen, and I need to let myself believe that. I need to stay true to my promise that I would never be left for another man again. That I wouldn't be the comfort man, whenever the girl was lonely. The, I love you, but I can't be with you guy. That's not what I want. I want someone who loves me and will be with me, work through all the bad, and come out good because of it. I want too much.
I'm still sad. I still have fits where I'm lost and can't breathe, I have to leave the room, I have to keep myself from hurting myself, emotionally and physically. I still have those moments. Those have never gone away since I was 13. I just lose control of it when I lose control of my life. I'm still sad, but I will be ok.