(no subject)
.headsets. || .talk.show.host. || .radiohead.
||| I want to, I want to be someone else or I'll explode |||
I needed somewhere to escape to. And my old journal is too widely known and I was liable to be stepping on people's toes. And although they had no problem throwing things in my face, I'm not like that. I'm not going to bluntly post things that I know are going to hurt you. So no.
I just need to vent. * opens pandora's box *
I'm so sick of feeling like this. This feeling? Christ, it's hard to describe. I want to be happy but my happiness is causing other's sadness which results in me feeling guilty for wanting to be happy again..? But, goddammit. For once in my stupid life, I need to do this. I need to do this for myself and I cant fucking cave in because you know, i really don't fucking want to. I want to take my life in the direction I want it to go in. Do something for ME for a change. And that direction being towards John. Oh John.. I'm not sure what I would do without him or would have done without him. He's been here for me on such a constant basis. We've been each other's warm shoulder to rest our heads on when things in our relationships have been crumbling. I confided my confidence in him and he kept it. Which is terribly hard to find these days. I don't know who to trust or who to turn to. But I do know that I can lay my trust into John. In my heart, I just feel that he wouldn't mess about with me. I completely trust him. He's.. amazing.
He came up to see me on the 23rd of September and I can't describe how fantastic that weekend was for the both of us. It was like we escaped from our realities for a little bit. A little wonderful bit. We did nothing but snuggle, kiss, and hold each other. For those three and a half days, I was purely happy. I have never smiled so much in one weekend, it was amazing. It's just pure fucking irony that he's still in Santa Barbara. How typical is that!
I just remember how nervous I was as he was coming into my building and taking the elevator to my room. Then he knocks and of course, I FLIP out and tell myself to remember to breathe and breathe deep. I mean.. How long have I daydreamed of this moment? Endless hours. I get to the door and open it slightly so my face peeps around so which I see John's face, smiling. * dies * Then I lose all self control and throw my arms around him! After holding each other tightly for a decent amount of time, He reaches down and I revieve a long awaited kiss. ^_^ How lovely it was, too. Especially his tongue! :x Cheek!
Then once we finally stopped kissing each other in the hallway o.o He came in and I gave him a very quick tour and we headed to my room, where we experience our first snuggle session and checked out how close we were to each other. It felt like a dream, It took me so long to let it set in that I, Laura, was snuggling in the arms of John. It was breathtaking. Literally. I want to feel like that more. Please.
Anywho.. the rest of the weekend was incredible and I've decided to leave out the explicit bits because it's none of your business! * evil grin * bwehehehe!
HOWEVER, He is coming back up very soon which I am very pleased to report. I can't wait to see him. This week has been pretty rough on us both and we need to heal each other :] One touch of his finger tips will make things better, I know it.
I haven't really very much else to say.. Well. I do. One prominent fact is that times like these make me want to go back to Santa Barbara. But I know I won't because it's not really what I want. I don't want Santa Barbara in the slightest. I want someting else. But the other things I have to say and tell are all too ugly. They've upset me far too long and I'm just going to run because this is how i deal with things. Make what you want of it, if it's anything like anyone else is thinking, you'd probably feel disappointed in me. But i don't care, dammit. This is how i heal. I run.
I want to run away to the UK. I want to run away with someone who's 6'9", blue globed, and the most gorgeous, kindhearted guy around. I don't want anyone to know where I am. I want to leave all of this. I want to start fresh. I want to start new. Where no one will know my name except me, 6'9", Sapporro, and the little black puppy. I want to be loved. I want to be held. I want a flat above a pub with a fire escape so I may sit out there in the snow and relax.
Relax.
Relax.
Relax.
Please, let me Relax.
||| I want to, I want to be someone else or I'll explode |||
I needed somewhere to escape to. And my old journal is too widely known and I was liable to be stepping on people's toes. And although they had no problem throwing things in my face, I'm not like that. I'm not going to bluntly post things that I know are going to hurt you. So no.
I just need to vent. * opens pandora's box *
I'm so sick of feeling like this. This feeling? Christ, it's hard to describe. I want to be happy but my happiness is causing other's sadness which results in me feeling guilty for wanting to be happy again..? But, goddammit. For once in my stupid life, I need to do this. I need to do this for myself and I cant fucking cave in because you know, i really don't fucking want to. I want to take my life in the direction I want it to go in. Do something for ME for a change. And that direction being towards John. Oh John.. I'm not sure what I would do without him or would have done without him. He's been here for me on such a constant basis. We've been each other's warm shoulder to rest our heads on when things in our relationships have been crumbling. I confided my confidence in him and he kept it. Which is terribly hard to find these days. I don't know who to trust or who to turn to. But I do know that I can lay my trust into John. In my heart, I just feel that he wouldn't mess about with me. I completely trust him. He's.. amazing.
He came up to see me on the 23rd of September and I can't describe how fantastic that weekend was for the both of us. It was like we escaped from our realities for a little bit. A little wonderful bit. We did nothing but snuggle, kiss, and hold each other. For those three and a half days, I was purely happy. I have never smiled so much in one weekend, it was amazing. It's just pure fucking irony that he's still in Santa Barbara. How typical is that!
I just remember how nervous I was as he was coming into my building and taking the elevator to my room. Then he knocks and of course, I FLIP out and tell myself to remember to breathe and breathe deep. I mean.. How long have I daydreamed of this moment? Endless hours. I get to the door and open it slightly so my face peeps around so which I see John's face, smiling. * dies * Then I lose all self control and throw my arms around him! After holding each other tightly for a decent amount of time, He reaches down and I revieve a long awaited kiss. ^_^ How lovely it was, too. Especially his tongue! :x Cheek!
Then once we finally stopped kissing each other in the hallway o.o He came in and I gave him a very quick tour and we headed to my room, where we experience our first snuggle session and checked out how close we were to each other. It felt like a dream, It took me so long to let it set in that I, Laura, was snuggling in the arms of John. It was breathtaking. Literally. I want to feel like that more. Please.
Anywho.. the rest of the weekend was incredible and I've decided to leave out the explicit bits because it's none of your business! * evil grin * bwehehehe!
HOWEVER, He is coming back up very soon which I am very pleased to report. I can't wait to see him. This week has been pretty rough on us both and we need to heal each other :] One touch of his finger tips will make things better, I know it.
I haven't really very much else to say.. Well. I do. One prominent fact is that times like these make me want to go back to Santa Barbara. But I know I won't because it's not really what I want. I don't want Santa Barbara in the slightest. I want someting else. But the other things I have to say and tell are all too ugly. They've upset me far too long and I'm just going to run because this is how i deal with things. Make what you want of it, if it's anything like anyone else is thinking, you'd probably feel disappointed in me. But i don't care, dammit. This is how i heal. I run.
I want to run away to the UK. I want to run away with someone who's 6'9", blue globed, and the most gorgeous, kindhearted guy around. I don't want anyone to know where I am. I want to leave all of this. I want to start fresh. I want to start new. Where no one will know my name except me, 6'9", Sapporro, and the little black puppy. I want to be loved. I want to be held. I want a flat above a pub with a fire escape so I may sit out there in the snow and relax.
Relax.
Relax.
Relax.
Please, let me Relax.