do you know what beating cheeks is?
it's amazing how things can turn around so fast. god i think i have whiplash. i don't think you can really understand how fucking frustrating it is to get stuck at the end of your driveway, again, at three in the morning after being numb and cold and exhausted and clausterphobic for like. ever. and almost be out of gas on top of it. and know that the angelic swedish neighbors aren't going to bail you out this time. so what do you do? you slam your hands against the wheel and curse and try to dig yourself out, try not to cry. hope that you don't run out of gas. you go wake up for dad who greets you with, "how we doin shweetie?" at three am? in the morning? and watch with your face freezing off as he snowblows the whole fucking driveway.
so we pushed it out and converged back in the brightly lit kitchen and talked like it was a summer afternoon, and nothing was amiss. i sat at the table and ate the cold corned beef he taught me how to cut, he made just for me because i told him i loved it, and also cold carrots and chocolate milk. he looked at the mail and we made plans about getting my car inspected. he tossed me a handwritten gorgeous letter from my birmingham love.
it's amazing how i can be so miserable and then so happy so quickly. it's amazing what the most incredible dad in the world can do to lift my spirits. how his love can work miracles. it's like knuckles kneading gently and firmly into sore cardiac muscles, his love. he's like the perfect father for me. i wouldn't want anyone else. he does everything exactly right.
and how much joy my friend can bring me. her letter was spectacular. i miss her so damn much.
and how good cold corned beef and carrots and chocolate milk can taste.
i've just been. touchy. things have a tendency to get crazy sometimes, and i get caught up. and my computer is cold because i'm a dumb dumb.
and i'm still freezing and i want to go to bed.
adventures make it interesting though.
here i go. i'm going to sleep. and it's going to be so damn good.
good riddance.