well, as they often say, we were never invisible but that, i guess we did not see...
i'll start off by saying i want a future, and so i am creating a past. i know what i want to say, its just that the words always come at a crawl. i suppose, in short, the point is that im terrified. it feels like a constant battle to have a distant, clear and concise view and opinion on everything while still maintaining a close enough link to actually act upon the knowledge. i swear, all it is is me melting.
i see whats happening here. its always the same thing. because, you see, im always the same person. i make circular mistakes to match my circular reasoning. and my guess is that ill keep doing it, and keep being surprised by the results. oh my!
im trying so hard to be a better person, to care for others and myself. to dedicate to both my dreams and the dreams of others. or shit, just to dedicate to anything. to be consistent in a good way, to have people count on me. but i guess, in order for that to work id have to depend on people back... okay, fine, i wish i could go live in the woods eating raw fish by myself feeling nothing for no one.
its like even when im giving it my best shot, being a good person, i find myself in the exact same place id be if i were just me. which leads me to two conclusions, but neither can i tolerate. either ive reached the goal, and am/have always been a good person, which ill tell you straight up just isnt true, or that neither good nor bad will get me what i want. i have to believe that theres a point to striving towards these things, or i really dont know what ill do. maybe having it together means falling apart.
in other news, im pretty sure im emotionally shattered. i mean, maybe not, but im betting the frustration of doing repairs is too much for anyone, and theyll never get done. which equates to the same thing really.
in other words, im a terrible writer when im depressed. better luck next time :)
end.
i see whats happening here. its always the same thing. because, you see, im always the same person. i make circular mistakes to match my circular reasoning. and my guess is that ill keep doing it, and keep being surprised by the results. oh my!
im trying so hard to be a better person, to care for others and myself. to dedicate to both my dreams and the dreams of others. or shit, just to dedicate to anything. to be consistent in a good way, to have people count on me. but i guess, in order for that to work id have to depend on people back... okay, fine, i wish i could go live in the woods eating raw fish by myself feeling nothing for no one.
its like even when im giving it my best shot, being a good person, i find myself in the exact same place id be if i were just me. which leads me to two conclusions, but neither can i tolerate. either ive reached the goal, and am/have always been a good person, which ill tell you straight up just isnt true, or that neither good nor bad will get me what i want. i have to believe that theres a point to striving towards these things, or i really dont know what ill do. maybe having it together means falling apart.
in other news, im pretty sure im emotionally shattered. i mean, maybe not, but im betting the frustration of doing repairs is too much for anyone, and theyll never get done. which equates to the same thing really.
in other words, im a terrible writer when im depressed. better luck next time :)
end.