gfbl: didn't you know?
that i loved you?
still do, of course.
stupid. it's been a while.
another night passes, and right before i fall asleep, the though comes back, "what really happened that day?" i try to to think about it, and it fades to an image...sitting on the floor, hands in fists against my head, crying disgustingly, drooling, not caring..."home...once again... i like to be there when..." can't hear it over the blubbering. the image won't stick though, and i can't tell if it's a tile floor or a red carpet. it wouldn't be different much either way; can't escape what's buried there, right before i fall asleep. i have heard of children who are unable to identify all events in their lives, but for no discernible reason. no trauma. no disease. no defect. no explanation. i'd like to believe that i'm like that. i'd very much better sleep each night knowing that there's no memory missing, forced out by self-preservation. i'd like to be one of those half-minded children. but i'm not, and i'm sure of it, because right before the vision collapses in on itself into dust every night, i think, "if i would have just had a knife, i co..." and then i'm asleep again.
still do, of course.
stupid. it's been a while.
another night passes, and right before i fall asleep, the though comes back, "what really happened that day?" i try to to think about it, and it fades to an image...sitting on the floor, hands in fists against my head, crying disgustingly, drooling, not caring..."home...once again... i like to be there when..." can't hear it over the blubbering. the image won't stick though, and i can't tell if it's a tile floor or a red carpet. it wouldn't be different much either way; can't escape what's buried there, right before i fall asleep. i have heard of children who are unable to identify all events in their lives, but for no discernible reason. no trauma. no disease. no defect. no explanation. i'd like to believe that i'm like that. i'd very much better sleep each night knowing that there's no memory missing, forced out by self-preservation. i'd like to be one of those half-minded children. but i'm not, and i'm sure of it, because right before the vision collapses in on itself into dust every night, i think, "if i would have just had a knife, i co..." and then i'm asleep again.