Sometimes, Karma's more than a bitch.
I had a terrible dream last night. Possibly one of the worst. There's much I don't remember as a result of having semi-lucid dreams.
In one part of the dream, I was in an amphitheater, or, perhaps, an auditorium. It was split into two rooms with one wall and archway in the middle. There was a huge screen hanging from the ceiling. And, I was there with Nicole. We were trying to talk things out. She wasn't crying, or forgiving. Instead, she was almost laughing. I must have been pleading with her to stay with me. Because, I was almost chasing her around the stage. At one point, she stopped and put in a tape and it was projected onto the screen.
The video had about three couples on display all having sex in pairs, but near each other. It panned around the room. They were all straight couples. And, when the camera stopped panning, it showed her ex-boyfriend on top of her, her legs wrapped around them. Both naked. Having sex.
I remember that in the dream I almost expected it. So, I saw only the fleeting milliseconds it took for me to turn my head. I reeled back and laid down on the seats behind me. And, I was screaming "No No No!" and telling her to turn it off. And, she was laughing. She was telling me, "That's why. You don't want me to stay. I'm a terrible person."
I think I had this dream, because I as much as I don't want to know the details, I almost do. In a sadistic way. I wish I could play the scene out in my head. When I think about them together, my chest tenses up. When I think about her enjoying that. Being with him again. Having sex with him. Him enjoying her body. Everything that I thought was for me only. When my mind goes back to what that must have been like, it practically stops my heart.
Was she smiling at him? Did she enjoy kissing him again? Was she breathing heavily? Was she so enraptured with him that she thought it must have be done?
Every time I look at her since yesterday I envision her eyes closed and kissing his lips. Their bodies both naked and on top of each other. And, it makes me sick.
I have cheated before. So, I'm trying to superimpose motivations behind it. I'm trying to remember where my mind was in respect to my girlfriend at the time. Did she think of me? Did she think of me during? Or, immediately after? Was she sorry? Did it make her stomach churn to think about what she just did?
My mom always told me that I cheat, because I haven't been cheated on. Because, I don't know what it feels like. And, I have been uncompromisingly faithful in my latest years. After living with Natasha and experiencing that day to day. All of the guilt and hurt and the crying. I realized how much of a capacity for hurt you carry when someone's has entrusted their heart to you. And, to ruin that. On such a superfluous thing. Seems so malicious in retrospect. And, it really is. Such a superfluous act that can bring so much pain into someone's life.
If I could take back every time that I've hurt somebody, I would.
As a result of Nicole's infidelity, we're no longer seeing each other. We spoke last night and the night before that. Only two nights ago is when she told me. And, we've sat for three hours each time. Her, mostly in silence, as I try to make sense of everything. I had such resounding trust in her. I never thought that her capacity to hurt and lie was this high. And, I don't think that this lying and cheating is indicative of her behavior. In fact, it isn't. which is why this is confusing.
At this point, I'm reeling the loss of what was a fantastic relationship. The loss of a friend and someone that I have spent the majority of my days with for the past six months. I am combination of so many things at once. Wishing I didn't know better so that I can forgive early and we can stay together. Wishing she hadn't done what she did and hadn't thrown my life completely upside down. But, overwhelming, I am scared of what will become of her.
She is so accustomed to people who treat her like she is worth nothing. Will she stay alone, like she wants, or will she find herself back in a hazardous situation? In some ways, I felt almost like a warder. I tried to protect her. I tried to show her that she can be loved for who she is and what she does. That she doesn't have to be with people who instill that she isn't deserving. And, in some ways, I think that scared her. But, I am so worried for her right now.
I know that eventually I will be mad. And, I will continue to hurt. I will suffer and mourn and want to die. But, I will come out on the other side. I will be alright. But, I don't feel that with her. I don't think she'll stay single, like she wants. To find herself. To be alone for once. I don't know if she's capable of that. And, I don't want her getting hurt or finding someone who treats her any less deserving of happiness than she is.
I wish that could have been me. I wish I could have been that person to stay with her and love her. But, if it's not me, that's fine. As long as someone else can treat her fairly and build her up. But, realistically, I don't see that being the case.
It's hard to love someone that you are not allowed to be with. It's hard to care for someone that you have to remain distant from. I'm carrying, above anything, so much trouble and uncertainty for her that I'm focusing less on how this hurt me.
I know I didn't deserve this. I know I did nothing to deserve this. I deserve to be with someone who isn't going to lie to me or cheat on me. I'm aware of what I'm worth. But, she's not. And, it ceases my heart.
In one part of the dream, I was in an amphitheater, or, perhaps, an auditorium. It was split into two rooms with one wall and archway in the middle. There was a huge screen hanging from the ceiling. And, I was there with Nicole. We were trying to talk things out. She wasn't crying, or forgiving. Instead, she was almost laughing. I must have been pleading with her to stay with me. Because, I was almost chasing her around the stage. At one point, she stopped and put in a tape and it was projected onto the screen.
The video had about three couples on display all having sex in pairs, but near each other. It panned around the room. They were all straight couples. And, when the camera stopped panning, it showed her ex-boyfriend on top of her, her legs wrapped around them. Both naked. Having sex.
I remember that in the dream I almost expected it. So, I saw only the fleeting milliseconds it took for me to turn my head. I reeled back and laid down on the seats behind me. And, I was screaming "No No No!" and telling her to turn it off. And, she was laughing. She was telling me, "That's why. You don't want me to stay. I'm a terrible person."
I think I had this dream, because I as much as I don't want to know the details, I almost do. In a sadistic way. I wish I could play the scene out in my head. When I think about them together, my chest tenses up. When I think about her enjoying that. Being with him again. Having sex with him. Him enjoying her body. Everything that I thought was for me only. When my mind goes back to what that must have been like, it practically stops my heart.
Was she smiling at him? Did she enjoy kissing him again? Was she breathing heavily? Was she so enraptured with him that she thought it must have be done?
Every time I look at her since yesterday I envision her eyes closed and kissing his lips. Their bodies both naked and on top of each other. And, it makes me sick.
I have cheated before. So, I'm trying to superimpose motivations behind it. I'm trying to remember where my mind was in respect to my girlfriend at the time. Did she think of me? Did she think of me during? Or, immediately after? Was she sorry? Did it make her stomach churn to think about what she just did?
My mom always told me that I cheat, because I haven't been cheated on. Because, I don't know what it feels like. And, I have been uncompromisingly faithful in my latest years. After living with Natasha and experiencing that day to day. All of the guilt and hurt and the crying. I realized how much of a capacity for hurt you carry when someone's has entrusted their heart to you. And, to ruin that. On such a superfluous thing. Seems so malicious in retrospect. And, it really is. Such a superfluous act that can bring so much pain into someone's life.
If I could take back every time that I've hurt somebody, I would.
As a result of Nicole's infidelity, we're no longer seeing each other. We spoke last night and the night before that. Only two nights ago is when she told me. And, we've sat for three hours each time. Her, mostly in silence, as I try to make sense of everything. I had such resounding trust in her. I never thought that her capacity to hurt and lie was this high. And, I don't think that this lying and cheating is indicative of her behavior. In fact, it isn't. which is why this is confusing.
At this point, I'm reeling the loss of what was a fantastic relationship. The loss of a friend and someone that I have spent the majority of my days with for the past six months. I am combination of so many things at once. Wishing I didn't know better so that I can forgive early and we can stay together. Wishing she hadn't done what she did and hadn't thrown my life completely upside down. But, overwhelming, I am scared of what will become of her.
She is so accustomed to people who treat her like she is worth nothing. Will she stay alone, like she wants, or will she find herself back in a hazardous situation? In some ways, I felt almost like a warder. I tried to protect her. I tried to show her that she can be loved for who she is and what she does. That she doesn't have to be with people who instill that she isn't deserving. And, in some ways, I think that scared her. But, I am so worried for her right now.
I know that eventually I will be mad. And, I will continue to hurt. I will suffer and mourn and want to die. But, I will come out on the other side. I will be alright. But, I don't feel that with her. I don't think she'll stay single, like she wants. To find herself. To be alone for once. I don't know if she's capable of that. And, I don't want her getting hurt or finding someone who treats her any less deserving of happiness than she is.
I wish that could have been me. I wish I could have been that person to stay with her and love her. But, if it's not me, that's fine. As long as someone else can treat her fairly and build her up. But, realistically, I don't see that being the case.
It's hard to love someone that you are not allowed to be with. It's hard to care for someone that you have to remain distant from. I'm carrying, above anything, so much trouble and uncertainty for her that I'm focusing less on how this hurt me.
I know I didn't deserve this. I know I did nothing to deserve this. I deserve to be with someone who isn't going to lie to me or cheat on me. I'm aware of what I'm worth. But, she's not. And, it ceases my heart.