(no subject)
He is cheating. Which means that after two weeks of protesting and promising that he wasn't, to the point he suggested that my Mom and I were both "ridiculous" for even suggesting he was seeing someone else...
He must really believe we are dumbasses. It shows his lack of understanding of who we are and how we rationalize someone's psychology, which is somewhat offsetting considering the amount of time he has spent in both of our lives. Did he really think we wouldn't assume he was cheating? Did he really think we wouldn't or couldn't come to this conclusion given his past of infidelity?
It wasn't just that wives assume men are leaving them for someone else. I would venture to say that's a universal initial assumption. But, it was the way he went about it. How everything was so sporadic and his inability to expound upon why and how and when his dissatisfaction came to fruition. He was throwing justifications in front of the truth, which I already explained one night to Nicole. He painted this whole ordeal as being caused by: my Mom's drinking, my Mom's smoking, my Mom's selfish preoccupation in most matters. And, I'm not discounting those as valid reasons for discontent. But, it's because he didn't want to sit and work on them. It's because he never wanted to sit down with her and talk and come to a compromise. There was no ultimatem about the drinking or the smoking. There was no heartfelt "let's work this out" discussion. There was a point blank: I want a seperation, and I don't want to explain why.
And, why is that?
Because, he didn't want to tell her the truth. He couldn't tell her the truth, because he was too cowardly and afraid. And, that is exactly why we assumed he was cheating. In most situations, when you're drudging up pasts and throwing justifications to the wind, it's not because you have a holistic dissatisfaction with the relationship: It's because you're doing something shady and need a way out.
And, though I am far from proud when it comes to my past of infidelity, I am keen to this kind of behavior, because I have been there and I have done it.
Apparently, this little side romance isn't as sporadic as my Mom and I initially assumed. He's been courting, for roughly a year, some random bitch who has come into his work. They've shared lunches and "quality time" (his words) and everything must be coming to a head if he's so willing to just walk out. My dad says that he hasn't had sex with this woman, but they've "hugged each other and kissed and told each other that they 'love' each other."
Oh, how fucking quaint for you.
He even went so far as to tell my Mom that he thought about this woman on their vacations (to Hawaii and Mexico) and thought about how fun it would be if this other woman was there.
And, as a cherry on the cake, suggests that my mom shouldn't "disrespect" some BITCH who forged her way into their marriage and completely ruined it.
Don't disrespect her? Where's the respect for my Mom? Where's the gratitude that she deserves for carrying your broke ass through life and giving you opportunities and material objects that you never could have afforded if it weren't for her? Those trips. Those trips to Hawaii and Mexico where you spent time thinking about this "other woman," who afforded for those trips?
Apparently, this woman is my mom's age, but my mom is "prettier," lives in an apartment and has two daughters who are 12 and 14.
And, as another justification for his leaving told my mother "I just want to be single."
Really? Because, jumping from a marriage to being a step-dad living in an apartment with someone else, somehow, does not scream "single." What all of this screams is: I am man who has to follow his dick to every decision I make in my life. Because, this isn't the first time he cheated, and this won't be the last.
My Mom and I can only hope, as I already know, that his relationship with this woman will implode in on itself, because once my Mom cuts him off financially and he's left to deal with the debt and bills off his own paycheck, the reality that he can't afford for himself is going to sweep through. His inability to contribute and his sudden and waning relationship between him and this other family will inevitably erode its stability and he will be left with nothing. So, last night, I empowered my Mom. We sat and both made ourselves feel right about this situation. He may be leaving and he may be giving up, but what he's giving up is exponentially more fulfilling and stable than what he is throwing himself into.
And, as my aunt pointed out, he's not just leaving me and my Mom, he's leaving our family, too. He's throwing away our holidays and our trips. He's throwing away his relationships to my aunts and cousins and uncles. And, he can't come back. Because, I won't allow him. And, hopefully, my mother won't either. Because, he's not welcome back. If he makes his decision to leave, then he is out. I will not stand idly by and watch him treat my mother like shit and give a definitive "FUCK YOU" to our life and my family. He needs to know that I won't talk to him anymore, I won't go hang out with his new BITCHgirlfriend or his new, estranged, step-children. I will have no communication with them whatsoever. And, I will tell him exactly what I think of his new living situation and the deteriorated image I have of him as a man and a person. He will know that this is over and my Mom and I are doing fine and better without him.
All of this does hurt. He is the only dad I know and will know. He has his quirks, and he is a fucker, but he is still my dad. I'm just thankful that this happened later in my life before it seriously fucked my psychology. At least, at my age, I can rationalize and make sense of why and how and I am able to live my life without him. But, the sting is still there. The feeling that he abandoned us. The feeling that he's abandoning me. That he invested 22 years of life into me and could leave with no regard to how it would affect me emotionally. And, then to leave and join up with someone with two other kids so that they could soak in his character and shape themselves around his influence. Luckily, I've had a relatively good head on my shoulders. I am thankful, everyday, that I have the Mom that I do. Who instilled in me good values and a bright mind so that I could neglect most of the "lessons" my dad tried to throw at me. He isn't a bright man. And, without the balance of the two of them, I don't know what I'd be under his own regard. I used to think, "Wow, I'm so lucky to have two great parents," and I still do, in some respects. But, he's leaving us to start something new. He's leaving me for two other kids. He's leaving our softball practices behind. Our outings and our trips. He's leaving our conversations to the dust. He's just leaving. And, he doesn't seem to care or wish or yearn for any of that back. Not from me and not my from my mom. And, until I get a real sense of regret or remorse for doing so, I can't have any sympathy for him whatsoever.
Last night, my Mom sat down and discussed the practicalities of the separation - What bills he'll pay, what bills she'll pay and it gave us a renewed sense of individuality without him. Honestly, I would rather he move all of his shit out immediately. I don't want to see his clothes, his baseball cards, his jackets, his socks, his underwear - Nothing. If this is his decision, which it apparently is, then get the fuck out immediately. More to the point, my Mom has worked hard for everything that she has. And, as Nicole pointed out, they've been together longer in life than they have apart. They met when they were 16 and married when they were 22 and pregnant with me. My Mom, for all intents and purposes, does not know how to live a life without my Dad, but that does not mean that she can't. And, I will not allow my Dad to spend my Mom's money on his new little crush. He will afford for this new relationship with his own check and his own savings.
So, to my dad I say: So long, and thanks for all the fish, you dickbreathing asshole.
My Mom and I also discussed the ways in which she can improve her quality of life. She hopes to stop smoking and has released the deleterious nature of her alcoholism. I vocalized my concern over whether or not her drinking will be exasperated by the separation, and she voiced her concern as well. She isn't so disconnected that she understands what would happen to her if she went to work and came home and got drunk every night. She also vocalized that she wants to go to counseling, not just for the separation, but also bitterness she holds in respect to her mom. We also talked about hobbies and activities she can do after work and on the weekends. And, her social net of friends she can hang out with. She suggested, because she has a friend with a trainer, that she take some scuba diving classes. I think it's a great idea, because she loves the beach and the water. I also told her that she can start up gardening again and walk the dogs outside. My Mom will be fine in this whole venture. And, I have the up most confidence that if she does begin to date again, the caliber of person she brings around will be ten times the person my dad will have around. My Mother is a brilliant woman, an adventurous woman and the reason that I am the person I am today, and I know that her and I will be alright.
In the meantime, we pull ourselves up by our boot straps and make life work. This means I have to do more around the house and more for our lifestyles in general. In actuality, my dad took care of most of the housework and laundry. He cleaned up after the dogs and ran a fair amount of the errands. But, that is nothing that we are not capable of. I have time in my day, and so does she.
Next weekend is Valentine's Day and her cousin suggested she come up and visit. I'm hoping she does and brings a couple other of our family members. I want my Mom surrounded by our family, because they love her and will give her the company she needs right now. I will be around for most of the day, but Nicole and I do have plans to go to Blue's show at Muddy Waters. If you're in the Ventura/SB Area, I suggest you go, too. It will be awesome.
Everythin' gon' be alright.
He must really believe we are dumbasses. It shows his lack of understanding of who we are and how we rationalize someone's psychology, which is somewhat offsetting considering the amount of time he has spent in both of our lives. Did he really think we wouldn't assume he was cheating? Did he really think we wouldn't or couldn't come to this conclusion given his past of infidelity?
It wasn't just that wives assume men are leaving them for someone else. I would venture to say that's a universal initial assumption. But, it was the way he went about it. How everything was so sporadic and his inability to expound upon why and how and when his dissatisfaction came to fruition. He was throwing justifications in front of the truth, which I already explained one night to Nicole. He painted this whole ordeal as being caused by: my Mom's drinking, my Mom's smoking, my Mom's selfish preoccupation in most matters. And, I'm not discounting those as valid reasons for discontent. But, it's because he didn't want to sit and work on them. It's because he never wanted to sit down with her and talk and come to a compromise. There was no ultimatem about the drinking or the smoking. There was no heartfelt "let's work this out" discussion. There was a point blank: I want a seperation, and I don't want to explain why.
And, why is that?
Because, he didn't want to tell her the truth. He couldn't tell her the truth, because he was too cowardly and afraid. And, that is exactly why we assumed he was cheating. In most situations, when you're drudging up pasts and throwing justifications to the wind, it's not because you have a holistic dissatisfaction with the relationship: It's because you're doing something shady and need a way out.
And, though I am far from proud when it comes to my past of infidelity, I am keen to this kind of behavior, because I have been there and I have done it.
Apparently, this little side romance isn't as sporadic as my Mom and I initially assumed. He's been courting, for roughly a year, some random bitch who has come into his work. They've shared lunches and "quality time" (his words) and everything must be coming to a head if he's so willing to just walk out. My dad says that he hasn't had sex with this woman, but they've "hugged each other and kissed and told each other that they 'love' each other."
Oh, how fucking quaint for you.
He even went so far as to tell my Mom that he thought about this woman on their vacations (to Hawaii and Mexico) and thought about how fun it would be if this other woman was there.
And, as a cherry on the cake, suggests that my mom shouldn't "disrespect" some BITCH who forged her way into their marriage and completely ruined it.
Don't disrespect her? Where's the respect for my Mom? Where's the gratitude that she deserves for carrying your broke ass through life and giving you opportunities and material objects that you never could have afforded if it weren't for her? Those trips. Those trips to Hawaii and Mexico where you spent time thinking about this "other woman," who afforded for those trips?
Apparently, this woman is my mom's age, but my mom is "prettier," lives in an apartment and has two daughters who are 12 and 14.
And, as another justification for his leaving told my mother "I just want to be single."
Really? Because, jumping from a marriage to being a step-dad living in an apartment with someone else, somehow, does not scream "single." What all of this screams is: I am man who has to follow his dick to every decision I make in my life. Because, this isn't the first time he cheated, and this won't be the last.
My Mom and I can only hope, as I already know, that his relationship with this woman will implode in on itself, because once my Mom cuts him off financially and he's left to deal with the debt and bills off his own paycheck, the reality that he can't afford for himself is going to sweep through. His inability to contribute and his sudden and waning relationship between him and this other family will inevitably erode its stability and he will be left with nothing. So, last night, I empowered my Mom. We sat and both made ourselves feel right about this situation. He may be leaving and he may be giving up, but what he's giving up is exponentially more fulfilling and stable than what he is throwing himself into.
And, as my aunt pointed out, he's not just leaving me and my Mom, he's leaving our family, too. He's throwing away our holidays and our trips. He's throwing away his relationships to my aunts and cousins and uncles. And, he can't come back. Because, I won't allow him. And, hopefully, my mother won't either. Because, he's not welcome back. If he makes his decision to leave, then he is out. I will not stand idly by and watch him treat my mother like shit and give a definitive "FUCK YOU" to our life and my family. He needs to know that I won't talk to him anymore, I won't go hang out with his new BITCHgirlfriend or his new, estranged, step-children. I will have no communication with them whatsoever. And, I will tell him exactly what I think of his new living situation and the deteriorated image I have of him as a man and a person. He will know that this is over and my Mom and I are doing fine and better without him.
All of this does hurt. He is the only dad I know and will know. He has his quirks, and he is a fucker, but he is still my dad. I'm just thankful that this happened later in my life before it seriously fucked my psychology. At least, at my age, I can rationalize and make sense of why and how and I am able to live my life without him. But, the sting is still there. The feeling that he abandoned us. The feeling that he's abandoning me. That he invested 22 years of life into me and could leave with no regard to how it would affect me emotionally. And, then to leave and join up with someone with two other kids so that they could soak in his character and shape themselves around his influence. Luckily, I've had a relatively good head on my shoulders. I am thankful, everyday, that I have the Mom that I do. Who instilled in me good values and a bright mind so that I could neglect most of the "lessons" my dad tried to throw at me. He isn't a bright man. And, without the balance of the two of them, I don't know what I'd be under his own regard. I used to think, "Wow, I'm so lucky to have two great parents," and I still do, in some respects. But, he's leaving us to start something new. He's leaving me for two other kids. He's leaving our softball practices behind. Our outings and our trips. He's leaving our conversations to the dust. He's just leaving. And, he doesn't seem to care or wish or yearn for any of that back. Not from me and not my from my mom. And, until I get a real sense of regret or remorse for doing so, I can't have any sympathy for him whatsoever.
Last night, my Mom sat down and discussed the practicalities of the separation - What bills he'll pay, what bills she'll pay and it gave us a renewed sense of individuality without him. Honestly, I would rather he move all of his shit out immediately. I don't want to see his clothes, his baseball cards, his jackets, his socks, his underwear - Nothing. If this is his decision, which it apparently is, then get the fuck out immediately. More to the point, my Mom has worked hard for everything that she has. And, as Nicole pointed out, they've been together longer in life than they have apart. They met when they were 16 and married when they were 22 and pregnant with me. My Mom, for all intents and purposes, does not know how to live a life without my Dad, but that does not mean that she can't. And, I will not allow my Dad to spend my Mom's money on his new little crush. He will afford for this new relationship with his own check and his own savings.
So, to my dad I say: So long, and thanks for all the fish, you dickbreathing asshole.
My Mom and I also discussed the ways in which she can improve her quality of life. She hopes to stop smoking and has released the deleterious nature of her alcoholism. I vocalized my concern over whether or not her drinking will be exasperated by the separation, and she voiced her concern as well. She isn't so disconnected that she understands what would happen to her if she went to work and came home and got drunk every night. She also vocalized that she wants to go to counseling, not just for the separation, but also bitterness she holds in respect to her mom. We also talked about hobbies and activities she can do after work and on the weekends. And, her social net of friends she can hang out with. She suggested, because she has a friend with a trainer, that she take some scuba diving classes. I think it's a great idea, because she loves the beach and the water. I also told her that she can start up gardening again and walk the dogs outside. My Mom will be fine in this whole venture. And, I have the up most confidence that if she does begin to date again, the caliber of person she brings around will be ten times the person my dad will have around. My Mother is a brilliant woman, an adventurous woman and the reason that I am the person I am today, and I know that her and I will be alright.
In the meantime, we pull ourselves up by our boot straps and make life work. This means I have to do more around the house and more for our lifestyles in general. In actuality, my dad took care of most of the housework and laundry. He cleaned up after the dogs and ran a fair amount of the errands. But, that is nothing that we are not capable of. I have time in my day, and so does she.
Next weekend is Valentine's Day and her cousin suggested she come up and visit. I'm hoping she does and brings a couple other of our family members. I want my Mom surrounded by our family, because they love her and will give her the company she needs right now. I will be around for most of the day, but Nicole and I do have plans to go to Blue's show at Muddy Waters. If you're in the Ventura/SB Area, I suggest you go, too. It will be awesome.
Everythin' gon' be alright.