things you don't understand.
Attention is about the last thing I care about concerning my eating disorder, but you are convinced it is a priority. And every time you try to apply this theory, it will seem to make sense. But I assure you, it doesn't matter. Have you not noticed how mortifying I find attention to be? Yes, let me starve myself because I want everyone to look at me, and question me, and force feed me. um no. Sure attention may play into it, because I don't feel like I deserve positive attention unless I'm acting in a certain way, but that is a side effect. Let me stop focusing on what my eating disorder is not, and explain more about what it is. It has always been a measure of control. That has always been the top priority. I do not feel like i deserve attention or love unless i am under control. I have had control issues since i was a kid, played out by my relationship with food. if my life is out of control, if i am uncontained, the self inflicted punishment is what i think i deserve. It has nothing to do with the people around me really, other than the fact that it stems from a feeling of unacceptance from my family.
Now, since this is an issue about control, mandating my eating is NOT going to get you anywhere. Yes, i did tell you that you needed to force me into eating more. This is the case when I am depressed. That is when i think that i don't deserve friends, or food, or comfort of any kind, and instead i should be in pain all the time. I see it as a sign that you care about me when you tell me i should eat something. if i am anxious, however, i take it as a sign of insensitivity and a lack of understanding. When i am anxious, i need someone to shield me from the spotlight, and tell me things are ok, that i am ok. And i need someone to be with me. That goes for pretty much every mood of mine. Although i have days where i know i NEED to be alone, I almost NEVER want it. Because I'm terrified (and convinced) it will be permanent.
When I am not eating because i feel it is my duty for some reason, then i'm probably not really all that hungry. it is at this point that the "ok, well what is something little you could handle" is an appropriate response. this does not work in the other emotions, because when i'm depressed, i know that when i come out of it, i will have a normal appetite, even if it takes me a little longer to actually eat the food in front of me. When i am anxious i am worried that i will start to feel deprived, that the food will not be enough, and i will get really agitated, so i'd rather not eat anything, because then i won't feel guilty about being hungry at least.
And the joking thing. I really can't handle it until i feel listened to. When i'm depressed it just makes me feel all the more alone and isolated. And when i'm anxious i just want to scream and run from the room. It just like, hurts my nerves or something. Once i've been able to feel like i'm ok and people are still there even though i'm not feeling my most attractive (emotions make me feel ugly), then i can kinda revive, and yes i do really appreciate humor.
And hugs. I pretty much could use a lot of hugs every day. I mean, i went for years and years subsisting on practically zero hugs. I didn't want people to touch me, I considered myself the most disgusting human on the planet. So yeah, there are days that a hug will almost fix things. and if i'm having a really rough day, then i probably think you are through with me and never want to be my friend again, and so really a hug idk, every hour or two would really be helpful. there is a lot of shame in my life.
And about the recovery process. If you spend all of your time worrying you are enabling me, and being codependent, then that leaves very little room for actual discussion and positive things to happen. You were never enabling me. There were times, a year and a freakin half ago, that yes, i manipulated my own anxiety because i knew i'd eat less around you if i did. it had nothing to do with you or your actions, other than the fact that you are loud, and i am easily embarrassed. the end. now, you wanna know when i stopped finding our conversations to be cathartic? it was right after i told you you "always said the right things." You weren't being enabling, you were listening. There is a huge difference in being enabling and being empowering. For the record, it is tough to try to be codependent with or enabled by someone who is a state away who has a tendency to not answer their phone. And i've destroyed friendships over my eating issues, and i valued our friendship enough to refuse to have that sort of destructive relationship with you. In fact, the night i told you about said issues, i vowed that i wouldn't let it have anything to do with our relationship. which, was a pretty mature thing to at least strive for, right? I mean this was like back in 2007. And then i thought i was almost over it all. Anyway, i remember telling you you had a habit of saying the right things. And since then, i've felt this like, panic from you almost every time i try to talk to you about everything. The exceptions include when i got upset about my dad's fathers day gift, and when i decided i needed to tell my mom (almost) everything. I feel like you don't want to listen and you don't want to talk, because you've gotten it in your head that it is either enabling, or giving me attention, or maybe that is the same thing to you, i don't even know at this point. And you allegedly talk to everyone about me, instead of actually talking to me.
I feel like the youngest child. Not listened to, not trusted to do the appropriate thing. I feel like you do, what has been done to you all these years. You weren't listened to, and made to feel like a fuck up, and like you certainly couldn't have some important insights into your own situation. Everyone else had to try to tell you how to live and what to do. like because you are a recovering drug addict, you cannot be trusted to make ANY good decisions about yourself ever. and you certainly don't have any perspective. like that, but with food. Like there is no way that i know when i'm not eating for one reason or another, or like i don't know that only having coffee for a week straight is unhealthy.
If i was going to eat for someone, it would be for idk, Katy or Kara. Because they get it. And if they get it, and they have still said it is ok to eat, then i trust them. Because they wouldn't tell me it was ok to eat if i was already eating too much, or if i'd eaten junk food. They'd say, i mean i trust you to do what you want, and if you overdo it, i'm sure you'll fix it. (which shows confidence in my actions.) If i wasn't eating enough though, they'd say, you know, you could really stand to eat some dinner, and not just like an apple. (which is interpreted as caring in my head).
It's funny- in the past few days, since our most recent fight, i want more and more to return to The Land of Eating Disorders, because the fighting makes me feel distant. And in distance, the ed gives me comfort and purpose. it is my coping mechanism for not feeling like i measure up. and like i'm worthy for friendship. what? no friends? oh its ok, i've got the perfect solution- OCD, drama, all in your head! and bad food never tasted so good! If you think you were picky before, we've got the solution!! -- Dude, on that note, I ate some soup today. it was a lot better when i was starving myself all the time. Okra is like the creepiest vegetable on the planet. Also the rice was kinda chewier than it is supposed to be.
That anecdote right there is something i want to be able to laugh at with you. not get advice from. i know that when i'm starving my perspective is a little... skewed. but you don't know when i'm starving. sorry, that is a sidenote. i know that i don't eat a lot around you. i've been the person that someone didn't eat around. you may not believe me. sorry also for that. i know it is annoying. and that you just want to shake me when i do that. please resist, it won't help. it makes me feel like you are trying to control me... which, just like a kid or a teenager, i will rebel. and i'll win. because eating disorders are things that are very faithful. you'll never feel given up on by an ed. even if it kills you, it won't abandon you. that is where the safety of having an ed comes in. It may suck, but it feels like something tangible that will never leave you. when no one else understands you, there is your disorder, showing you how you can like yourself better (if you lost weight, obviously).
i am not asking you to change who you are. i just know that i WANT to know what NOT to say to make you feel worse, even though i can't really make you feel better, so i feel obligated to let you know when things, say... embarrass me to the extent that i wouldn't be able to eat even if i weren't disordered. Like at the Advent party. Calling me out for loathing my own body is not going to make me eat. even if i don't HAVE to throw away my food, i'm going to feel too embarrassed to keep eating after that. I mean think about it. if i am usually embarrassed by eating, and something puts the spotlight on me, then its like, well crap. there goes the rest of that meal or every one is going to see what a horrible person i am.
Anyway, for the most part, i just need to feel like i'm being listened to and sort of understood. Even if it is only on logical terms. If i know that, then i can trust you to help me make responsible decisions. I don't actually want to have an eating disorder for the rest of my life. little known fact. there was more that i was going to say and i forgot it. and my crtl z doesn't go that far back. boo. love you.
Now, since this is an issue about control, mandating my eating is NOT going to get you anywhere. Yes, i did tell you that you needed to force me into eating more. This is the case when I am depressed. That is when i think that i don't deserve friends, or food, or comfort of any kind, and instead i should be in pain all the time. I see it as a sign that you care about me when you tell me i should eat something. if i am anxious, however, i take it as a sign of insensitivity and a lack of understanding. When i am anxious, i need someone to shield me from the spotlight, and tell me things are ok, that i am ok. And i need someone to be with me. That goes for pretty much every mood of mine. Although i have days where i know i NEED to be alone, I almost NEVER want it. Because I'm terrified (and convinced) it will be permanent.
When I am not eating because i feel it is my duty for some reason, then i'm probably not really all that hungry. it is at this point that the "ok, well what is something little you could handle" is an appropriate response. this does not work in the other emotions, because when i'm depressed, i know that when i come out of it, i will have a normal appetite, even if it takes me a little longer to actually eat the food in front of me. When i am anxious i am worried that i will start to feel deprived, that the food will not be enough, and i will get really agitated, so i'd rather not eat anything, because then i won't feel guilty about being hungry at least.
And the joking thing. I really can't handle it until i feel listened to. When i'm depressed it just makes me feel all the more alone and isolated. And when i'm anxious i just want to scream and run from the room. It just like, hurts my nerves or something. Once i've been able to feel like i'm ok and people are still there even though i'm not feeling my most attractive (emotions make me feel ugly), then i can kinda revive, and yes i do really appreciate humor.
And hugs. I pretty much could use a lot of hugs every day. I mean, i went for years and years subsisting on practically zero hugs. I didn't want people to touch me, I considered myself the most disgusting human on the planet. So yeah, there are days that a hug will almost fix things. and if i'm having a really rough day, then i probably think you are through with me and never want to be my friend again, and so really a hug idk, every hour or two would really be helpful. there is a lot of shame in my life.
And about the recovery process. If you spend all of your time worrying you are enabling me, and being codependent, then that leaves very little room for actual discussion and positive things to happen. You were never enabling me. There were times, a year and a freakin half ago, that yes, i manipulated my own anxiety because i knew i'd eat less around you if i did. it had nothing to do with you or your actions, other than the fact that you are loud, and i am easily embarrassed. the end. now, you wanna know when i stopped finding our conversations to be cathartic? it was right after i told you you "always said the right things." You weren't being enabling, you were listening. There is a huge difference in being enabling and being empowering. For the record, it is tough to try to be codependent with or enabled by someone who is a state away who has a tendency to not answer their phone. And i've destroyed friendships over my eating issues, and i valued our friendship enough to refuse to have that sort of destructive relationship with you. In fact, the night i told you about said issues, i vowed that i wouldn't let it have anything to do with our relationship. which, was a pretty mature thing to at least strive for, right? I mean this was like back in 2007. And then i thought i was almost over it all. Anyway, i remember telling you you had a habit of saying the right things. And since then, i've felt this like, panic from you almost every time i try to talk to you about everything. The exceptions include when i got upset about my dad's fathers day gift, and when i decided i needed to tell my mom (almost) everything. I feel like you don't want to listen and you don't want to talk, because you've gotten it in your head that it is either enabling, or giving me attention, or maybe that is the same thing to you, i don't even know at this point. And you allegedly talk to everyone about me, instead of actually talking to me.
I feel like the youngest child. Not listened to, not trusted to do the appropriate thing. I feel like you do, what has been done to you all these years. You weren't listened to, and made to feel like a fuck up, and like you certainly couldn't have some important insights into your own situation. Everyone else had to try to tell you how to live and what to do. like because you are a recovering drug addict, you cannot be trusted to make ANY good decisions about yourself ever. and you certainly don't have any perspective. like that, but with food. Like there is no way that i know when i'm not eating for one reason or another, or like i don't know that only having coffee for a week straight is unhealthy.
If i was going to eat for someone, it would be for idk, Katy or Kara. Because they get it. And if they get it, and they have still said it is ok to eat, then i trust them. Because they wouldn't tell me it was ok to eat if i was already eating too much, or if i'd eaten junk food. They'd say, i mean i trust you to do what you want, and if you overdo it, i'm sure you'll fix it. (which shows confidence in my actions.) If i wasn't eating enough though, they'd say, you know, you could really stand to eat some dinner, and not just like an apple. (which is interpreted as caring in my head).
It's funny- in the past few days, since our most recent fight, i want more and more to return to The Land of Eating Disorders, because the fighting makes me feel distant. And in distance, the ed gives me comfort and purpose. it is my coping mechanism for not feeling like i measure up. and like i'm worthy for friendship. what? no friends? oh its ok, i've got the perfect solution- OCD, drama, all in your head! and bad food never tasted so good! If you think you were picky before, we've got the solution!! -- Dude, on that note, I ate some soup today. it was a lot better when i was starving myself all the time. Okra is like the creepiest vegetable on the planet. Also the rice was kinda chewier than it is supposed to be.
That anecdote right there is something i want to be able to laugh at with you. not get advice from. i know that when i'm starving my perspective is a little... skewed. but you don't know when i'm starving. sorry, that is a sidenote. i know that i don't eat a lot around you. i've been the person that someone didn't eat around. you may not believe me. sorry also for that. i know it is annoying. and that you just want to shake me when i do that. please resist, it won't help. it makes me feel like you are trying to control me... which, just like a kid or a teenager, i will rebel. and i'll win. because eating disorders are things that are very faithful. you'll never feel given up on by an ed. even if it kills you, it won't abandon you. that is where the safety of having an ed comes in. It may suck, but it feels like something tangible that will never leave you. when no one else understands you, there is your disorder, showing you how you can like yourself better (if you lost weight, obviously).
i am not asking you to change who you are. i just know that i WANT to know what NOT to say to make you feel worse, even though i can't really make you feel better, so i feel obligated to let you know when things, say... embarrass me to the extent that i wouldn't be able to eat even if i weren't disordered. Like at the Advent party. Calling me out for loathing my own body is not going to make me eat. even if i don't HAVE to throw away my food, i'm going to feel too embarrassed to keep eating after that. I mean think about it. if i am usually embarrassed by eating, and something puts the spotlight on me, then its like, well crap. there goes the rest of that meal or every one is going to see what a horrible person i am.
Anyway, for the most part, i just need to feel like i'm being listened to and sort of understood. Even if it is only on logical terms. If i know that, then i can trust you to help me make responsible decisions. I don't actually want to have an eating disorder for the rest of my life. little known fact. there was more that i was going to say and i forgot it. and my crtl z doesn't go that far back. boo. love you.