(no subject)

[wasteofvitamins]

i want something easy. i want to be one of those kids who gets lucky. i'm out of school i want some time to see friends and family and rest but i can't i can't stop i have to find a job and buy a computer because i'm too much of a coward to change my major i want my liscense so i can drive but i'm afraid of driving. i want to move out of my house but i'm afrid i'll have to do it alone. i want a vacation. i get a break from school just to have to get a job and so i still won't get to see my friends very much and i won't get to see benjamin as much and my mom will get upset becuase i won't get to see her as much. i can't stop thinking. everyones going to get mad at me because i won't be able to make time for everyone. i'll get mad atmyself because i won't ever be alone. but i don't want to be alone really. and then when all of this summer is over i have to go to school where i'll have a job and classes and homework and with the job i have that i wanted and am so glad i got i won't beable to come back to shreveport very often and the whole cycle will repeat becuase everyone here will get mad at me for not seeing them when i've only got so many weekends off thati will be able to be here. right now the only thing i'm not worried about is benjamin. thats not going to change. we love each other. i just don't like having to miss him. i shouldn't be trying to please everyone. i should be doing what i want and being happy. but i can't do that. i have never wanted to hit something this bad in my entire life. i think right now i could punch this wall hard enough to break my fist, i'm not ofcourse. i don't like pain. i don't like the healing process, first it hurts everytime you move it, then it itches, then it either goes away or it leaves a scar to remind you of your misfourtune. i just want a vacation. sometime to not have to worry. i want more days like today. i want to watch movies and play video games and be happy. i want to stop crying over things that are out of my control. i need to stop blaming myself for everything. i don't think i get a real summer vacation until after i graduate and even then i probably will have some crummy office job pushing buttons on a computer for 8 hours a day so i won't get a vacation until i've built up hours of sick days that i can use at once.

sorry. its been a long time since i actually ranted about anything. sorry it doesn't make any sense.