free(dumb)
I am overwhelmed with the variety of choices I am being forced to sift through, and haunted by past decisions.
Where should I go? I have less than three months to decide.
Oakland does not feel like home, as much as I want it to. Maybe it’s because every time I walk out the front door of my building and glance across the street at the park, it takes me back to that night. The night Nash and I finished a bottle of red wine atop a parking garage and then found ourselves in that very same park, discussing our future. As we were talking, he spotted a for rent sign, and in his infamous soft spoken voice he said, "how about that one? it looks perfect". I now live in "that one" and on some quiet mornings I find myself wondering if I made the right decision a year ago, if that decision will be one I regret in the future. I’m haunted by his ghost in this huge apartment, I’m haunted by how things might have been. And I am saddened by all that was lost.
I have yet to find another that can rile me up the way he did. Somebody to push me out of my shell and make me think. The best thing about us was the way we would talk. We had mountains of great ideas...we were going to change the world together. Nash was the John to my Yoko. And I’m wondering if there will ever be another one. And there is no going back. I single handedly ruined it in one tiny mistake. One small decision changed my forever. I am ok with that...everything happens for a reason, without reason.
What I want now is so far off from anything I’ve ever encountered...I don’t think it even exists.
I do know every possibility will be weighed and compared to the memory of Nash.
I have had very few encounters with people I have found an intimate attraction to since I let him go. And with every encounter, I find myself swimming in his memory instead of making new ones.
I miss being being so wrapped up in another you don’t know where you end and he begins. I miss being at a crowded dinner table and looking up to find his eyes locked on me with that crooked grin across his face. I miss our bottles of wine and breaking out the paints and creating beautiful works of art together...almost as if the paintings accurately portrayed the intense love between us. I miss our bike rides in the pouring rain. I miss the way, in the middle of the night, if somehow we broke free from each others grips, his feet would always find mine. I miss our afternoon naps, crammed into his little bed with Abigail the cat and Auggie the doggie. I miss the way he would say my name, so soft and sweet and vulnerably. I miss the way he would cling to me and bury his head in nape of my neck when he was having the saddest of days.
I miss knowing what forever looks like.
In the midst of all my options, all I can think about is you.
Where should I go? I have less than three months to decide.
Oakland does not feel like home, as much as I want it to. Maybe it’s because every time I walk out the front door of my building and glance across the street at the park, it takes me back to that night. The night Nash and I finished a bottle of red wine atop a parking garage and then found ourselves in that very same park, discussing our future. As we were talking, he spotted a for rent sign, and in his infamous soft spoken voice he said, "how about that one? it looks perfect". I now live in "that one" and on some quiet mornings I find myself wondering if I made the right decision a year ago, if that decision will be one I regret in the future. I’m haunted by his ghost in this huge apartment, I’m haunted by how things might have been. And I am saddened by all that was lost.
I have yet to find another that can rile me up the way he did. Somebody to push me out of my shell and make me think. The best thing about us was the way we would talk. We had mountains of great ideas...we were going to change the world together. Nash was the John to my Yoko. And I’m wondering if there will ever be another one. And there is no going back. I single handedly ruined it in one tiny mistake. One small decision changed my forever. I am ok with that...everything happens for a reason, without reason.
What I want now is so far off from anything I’ve ever encountered...I don’t think it even exists.
I do know every possibility will be weighed and compared to the memory of Nash.
I have had very few encounters with people I have found an intimate attraction to since I let him go. And with every encounter, I find myself swimming in his memory instead of making new ones.
I miss being being so wrapped up in another you don’t know where you end and he begins. I miss being at a crowded dinner table and looking up to find his eyes locked on me with that crooked grin across his face. I miss our bottles of wine and breaking out the paints and creating beautiful works of art together...almost as if the paintings accurately portrayed the intense love between us. I miss our bike rides in the pouring rain. I miss the way, in the middle of the night, if somehow we broke free from each others grips, his feet would always find mine. I miss our afternoon naps, crammed into his little bed with Abigail the cat and Auggie the doggie. I miss the way he would say my name, so soft and sweet and vulnerably. I miss the way he would cling to me and bury his head in nape of my neck when he was having the saddest of days.
I miss knowing what forever looks like.
In the midst of all my options, all I can think about is you.