Some truths
Some very good questions to ask myself and the answers....
1. Why are you overweight?
The simple answer is I love food, I am a foodie I am a chef or have been one, and I adore the tastes textures and smells of a good meal.
The answer that is harder in some ways is stress, and lack of significant movement, if i used food for fuel and not as an antidepressant or a cure for anxiety then I would not be obese, nor would I have high blood pressure I would be a comfortable weight, and as my Mom said it is a testament to my health and strength than I have not gotten diabetes or had a stroke or worse.
I am afraid of being looked at now but at least now I can be assured that I will be discounted and underestimated annoying and aggravating but it is a place I am comfortable in, I am the great smoother over I make people feel like I am harmless and frazzled and that their is little going on underneath the surface, smooth like a large river, but the currents are a bitch.
What I think what I feel have been discounted for so many years an immaturity or depressing not positive, and a self fulfilling prophesy that why show whats really their?
I have a great, strong, beautiful body when I am in shape, and even that was not enough for some people, I was made fun of belittled and put down for my hair color and the spots on my skin, I was never enough to love, was even told that.
I was taken advantage of because I even discounted my worth, and I am afraid to be put into that place again.
2. Why do you want to loose weight?
I am tired of being tired, I am tired of feeling like I need to hide out and not live my life, I am scared by the fact that if their was a masked gunman at work I couldn't run fast enough to get away.
I want to be on top of my husband and not feel like I am squishing him, or for that matter I would like to feel sexy enough to initiate sex regularly.
I want for him to be proud of me, to always find me sexy.
I want to get rid of the high blood pressure pills, and the bad knees and the size 22 pants that piss me off because although they fit around they are to big for my legs, I want to wear that cute green sweater I have and the small jeans and slacks I own, I want to feel good all day long and not for a little while then I feel better then I feel horrible again.
I want to be able to buy a swimsuit that looks good on my body because I look strong, and healthy and like I should.
3. Why Have you been unable to maintain weight loss in the past?
Million dollar question is it not?
Lets see the first time I got skinny I had my jaw broken, and I lost weight to get a guys attention, in fact every time I have lost weight it has been to get a guy to love me....to prove that I was worthy, and when life got in the way and I did not prove love worthy than I gained it back plus some, this last time was kind of different though this time I have his love I know that, I can let my fears interefere but I know that my husband is a good honest loyal man who loves me.... So why the regain this time? Was I letting my true self shine through, the lazy, sloth like person?
I remember driving to work and thinking nothing in my life is going to change I am going to be stuck like this forever, the overwhelming feelings of depression helpless rage and frustration.
When we moved to Everett I think it was the first time that the only person I had to please or impress was my Husband and I that's it that is all.
So I let myself go further into the abyss.
I let the totality of who I am what I am and how I look like be determined by other people, and how disloyal and crappy is that?
I am going to go further my whole self worth was wrapped up in proving to others that I am worthy, and honestly most of the people I was trying to prove my worth to were never going to care and most likely was just as worried about others judging them.
1. Why are you overweight?
The simple answer is I love food, I am a foodie I am a chef or have been one, and I adore the tastes textures and smells of a good meal.
The answer that is harder in some ways is stress, and lack of significant movement, if i used food for fuel and not as an antidepressant or a cure for anxiety then I would not be obese, nor would I have high blood pressure I would be a comfortable weight, and as my Mom said it is a testament to my health and strength than I have not gotten diabetes or had a stroke or worse.
I am afraid of being looked at now but at least now I can be assured that I will be discounted and underestimated annoying and aggravating but it is a place I am comfortable in, I am the great smoother over I make people feel like I am harmless and frazzled and that their is little going on underneath the surface, smooth like a large river, but the currents are a bitch.
What I think what I feel have been discounted for so many years an immaturity or depressing not positive, and a self fulfilling prophesy that why show whats really their?
I have a great, strong, beautiful body when I am in shape, and even that was not enough for some people, I was made fun of belittled and put down for my hair color and the spots on my skin, I was never enough to love, was even told that.
I was taken advantage of because I even discounted my worth, and I am afraid to be put into that place again.
2. Why do you want to loose weight?
I am tired of being tired, I am tired of feeling like I need to hide out and not live my life, I am scared by the fact that if their was a masked gunman at work I couldn't run fast enough to get away.
I want to be on top of my husband and not feel like I am squishing him, or for that matter I would like to feel sexy enough to initiate sex regularly.
I want for him to be proud of me, to always find me sexy.
I want to get rid of the high blood pressure pills, and the bad knees and the size 22 pants that piss me off because although they fit around they are to big for my legs, I want to wear that cute green sweater I have and the small jeans and slacks I own, I want to feel good all day long and not for a little while then I feel better then I feel horrible again.
I want to be able to buy a swimsuit that looks good on my body because I look strong, and healthy and like I should.
3. Why Have you been unable to maintain weight loss in the past?
Million dollar question is it not?
Lets see the first time I got skinny I had my jaw broken, and I lost weight to get a guys attention, in fact every time I have lost weight it has been to get a guy to love me....to prove that I was worthy, and when life got in the way and I did not prove love worthy than I gained it back plus some, this last time was kind of different though this time I have his love I know that, I can let my fears interefere but I know that my husband is a good honest loyal man who loves me.... So why the regain this time? Was I letting my true self shine through, the lazy, sloth like person?
I remember driving to work and thinking nothing in my life is going to change I am going to be stuck like this forever, the overwhelming feelings of depression helpless rage and frustration.
When we moved to Everett I think it was the first time that the only person I had to please or impress was my Husband and I that's it that is all.
So I let myself go further into the abyss.
I let the totality of who I am what I am and how I look like be determined by other people, and how disloyal and crappy is that?
I am going to go further my whole self worth was wrapped up in proving to others that I am worthy, and honestly most of the people I was trying to prove my worth to were never going to care and most likely was just as worried about others judging them.