the revolting disgusting filthy me
i gave up. you dont even want to know what. crazy enough, martin, is the only one who knows what. i dont want to discuss it. i just dont care about myself anymore. i made an appearance today too. and i worked my ass off for 40 bucks for wednesday. drew wont even acknowledge my existance. i didnt even do anything to him either...unless...nah. but tonight is fucking nasty. my mom is fucking with my head. its wierd. i never really experienced "fully" blocking something out. but now i remember and thats what sucks. crazy shit went down when i was little. im not going to talk about it because people probably wont be my friend but im afraid and its fucking tormenting me! i hate crying. i fucking HATE it! i just keep remembering shit now. like, everything ive worked so hard to wall up when i was six it just spewing up to the front of my mind again. i dont know what to do about it. i dont want it there. it fucking hurts. it scares me. i look at person who went through it with me and how fucked up he is. i cant even see him anymore. oh my fucking jesus. this is misery.