tell me how could you comprise yourself like this
so being home. has been alright. like nothing horrible. nothing crazy. kat called me when i got home which was nice. made me feel loved. i hung out with flannery yesterday. which was lovely. he and i fought like sixth graders trying to flirt. haha it was quite entertaining. i do enjoy his company. he's a good kid. i've done some major major job hunting. i applied to something like 6 jobs today and i intend on applying to 6 more tomorrow. i am just praying i get something decent. i also hung with adrienne for a little bit today. we have intense plans of making a pong table with some of the other ekos. which is really exciting. but things aren't quite the same. i don't know. i'm so bitter sometimes. about anderson. like i know my mom loves it here. but i fucking can't stand it. like i thought belmont was bad. but everyone here is so fucked up. like even some of my close friends. they so obviously only care about money and image. it sounds so stupid. but it's hard to understand unless you come live here. like it's really hard for me to find anyone to relate to here. and it's just as bad at wooster. i miss reece at times like this. at least his group of friends. and that whole group of people. i miss those kids who didn't give a fuck. and act like fools. and don't care about anything but enjoying their life right then and there. i feel like i have so much responsibility and i'm always worrying about money and the future and jobs and all that bullshit. with kids like that. i feel like i have an outlet. i think i'm just missing the alternative scene. i am becoming so muted. i feel like i'm not the same michelle sometimes. i mean. even the way i look is so muted. i'm not scene anymore really. and part of me is glad. 'cause. fuck the scene. but i miss being.......'rebellious' i guess. it's part of michelle as gay as that sounds. i enjoy defying the mainstream and living a tiny bit on the edge. it's what keeps me sane. i don't want to be like everybody else. i dunno. whatever. i'll figure shit out. lj is for ranting.