(no subject)
So this is how it ends, with you thinking you're a couragous man an taking charge wich is attractive in itself but unfortuantly I've figured it out and I would have moved. You've got a team of the pink robots eyes all rattling around talking like dumb peices of shit because you think you're doing the right thing by lieing to them. No you cant control me, and you know that. Even big couragous captian is just alittle too afraid of rejection. And I bet you're so fucking glad you covered your bases so well, just in case. So you enjoy your life in the darkness, with your little toys. Once you acted like you were something better. Oh my god I don't even know what to do at such a dissapointing turn of events. Who the hell cares what's true or what isn't! certainly not most of these people! and they're going to tell me about how you will say anything to get into girl's pants, but they don't realize you will also say anything to cover your own ass. So it was good of you, obviously, to give all of these poor week people a dream world where there are evil things to stay away from and fear, because that was simple enough and they want to believe you because you're so damn sweet, and i know it. NO ONE WANTED TO WALK IN TO THIS, SARAH! Well, all i was telling you all was the truth, and usually that dosent result in everyone being afraid for thier lives unless there was some lieing going on on other ends. Responsable? So hey, talking to my own little hands, are we embarrassed, dissapointed, or disgusted by all of this? What is this anxiety I am feeling? What the fuck am I doing here?
Because I really wanted to believe in devotion and mountians made of steam and maybe I still do but here, for give my complete and utter dismay that things have become so grossly common. Look at these capable hands, and have they really been dealing with such blind piles of shit the whole time? Pardon me, while I condesend. I didn't understand how to before. I thought we were all in this to help eachother... through whatever all of this is. But I guess we left that behind us long ago. I would never have rejected you. And I was never as close to leaving as you may have guessed. So I guess I get to use "drinking from the necks of those you love" this time. At least I know your hand, I don't have to sound like arron wies. That my baby just made a stupid mistake. That I have a feeling I'm going to have to work very hard with you frightened little boys. That I love you too much, that I love people and life and bluebirds and that shine too much, to become hardened enough to give up. That this is probably going to be very hard for me.
Ilia is pretty understanding. But Nolen is older, very intellegent and I'm sure has been through a thing or two. I'm lucky to have talked to another humanbeing once in a very long time. I've encountered 28 year olds who are emotionally stunted and more flighty than you ever where, with less reason to be. And it's hard for me to say if you'll ever improve or if this is as mature as you'll get, like the lion in his slow slow stumbling through the darkness. The point about Nolen is maybe it's taken him time to learn how to be reasonable. Maybe the lion will learn too. His own pink robot left him, after fighting me the same way yours did. But for the record, you've certainly become thousands of times more brave than you were several years ago. And I really do believe whatever 'it' is. You've got the most of it. And I still love you. And there's no pain you can cause that I can't get over. I'm maybe the only one you can't brain wash, though you tried just now. I know it's because you thought you were doing the right thing.
But maybe I should take some time to look around. Certainly there's someone better than this. (we've both said this to ourselves before...) circles third planet you'll end up where you were. I knew better. I would like to be more ignorant now, please.