(no subject)
Alot of the being upset has come from the fact that I understood right after you left. And now I have to go back and think about what you said, how it makes sence to me now and how I would have tried to make everything better. But it could have been a lot more struggling and my nerves had been shot for months. And also maybe I only had time to think about it because you left: maybe my brain wouldn't have come to a solution that involved so much bravery on my part. I wanted you to tell me your lease was running up and if I kept my apartment you'd be home soon. I wanted you to mean if I just continued to HANG ON everything would be alright. And I understand the part about grenades trough the window, I know it was very hard for you and all of my effort to make you know I cared just made things harder.
I have considered afection on other flesh. I never tried to think it would compare to you. But thinking about him, or them, eventually made me very upset and I realize I just don't want to give you up. I couldn't if I tried. Not at this point. I think I told you, I just read the tag line to "love in a time of cholera", and it said it was about a man who fell in love with a women, but was devistated when she left him for a rich man. He had afairs and built an empire for years, but never gave his heart away. He waited for her husband to pass away...
I can't force myself to be that way, but if I am, I am. I know I'm lucky to have the relationship with you that I do, or did. It's strange to me that people can think it's apropriate to try to dissapear, I don't know if you ever hope to come back to me. Somewhere in all the walking, in and unsent letter to your father I realized you've probably vanished because you know I love you and that leaving hurt me baddly. But I seem to think I understand and I'll be alright. And I hope you come back. I might never stop missing you. I was very conserned too, about how you are doing right now. I was making you a sweater, but I may not be alowed to send it, and I don't know if they'll still be living at the place I have to send it. I hate missing hollidays where I can give you things. I was going to send that letter to your father, asking him to tell you I have been trying to reach you, that I would have found a place that alowed bluebirds and that I meant it when I said I loved you unconditionally. But now I think you might know and are just hiding because... well. Things aren't supose to be so hard.
And now sometimes I think about bigger cities and all of the sucess I once was so certain of. It's maybe time for bussiness, bussiness, bussiness, do you remember? The boys could smell the blood on my hands and my phonecall was not returned, and it's probably better that way. I love you. Come back to me sometime. You're all the rewards in heaven just walkin, walking around. Lookin like a ship captain looking pretty good to me. And you know when all the ladders are busted out, and there's no way into heaven. There's nothing you can do but keep living for as long as you can.
I have considered afection on other flesh. I never tried to think it would compare to you. But thinking about him, or them, eventually made me very upset and I realize I just don't want to give you up. I couldn't if I tried. Not at this point. I think I told you, I just read the tag line to "love in a time of cholera", and it said it was about a man who fell in love with a women, but was devistated when she left him for a rich man. He had afairs and built an empire for years, but never gave his heart away. He waited for her husband to pass away...
I can't force myself to be that way, but if I am, I am. I know I'm lucky to have the relationship with you that I do, or did. It's strange to me that people can think it's apropriate to try to dissapear, I don't know if you ever hope to come back to me. Somewhere in all the walking, in and unsent letter to your father I realized you've probably vanished because you know I love you and that leaving hurt me baddly. But I seem to think I understand and I'll be alright. And I hope you come back. I might never stop missing you. I was very conserned too, about how you are doing right now. I was making you a sweater, but I may not be alowed to send it, and I don't know if they'll still be living at the place I have to send it. I hate missing hollidays where I can give you things. I was going to send that letter to your father, asking him to tell you I have been trying to reach you, that I would have found a place that alowed bluebirds and that I meant it when I said I loved you unconditionally. But now I think you might know and are just hiding because... well. Things aren't supose to be so hard.
And now sometimes I think about bigger cities and all of the sucess I once was so certain of. It's maybe time for bussiness, bussiness, bussiness, do you remember? The boys could smell the blood on my hands and my phonecall was not returned, and it's probably better that way. I love you. Come back to me sometime. You're all the rewards in heaven just walkin, walking around. Lookin like a ship captain looking pretty good to me. And you know when all the ladders are busted out, and there's no way into heaven. There's nothing you can do but keep living for as long as you can.