(no subject)
Try to judge from a distance and did it make you feel alittle better and what happens if you were wrong and it's too late.
But now, now it's good to be myself again and I can recallibrate some of those old pregarden dreams and yes, I am becomeing not a typical girlfriend but I'm sure I'll find someone who will love me the way I am, and that's the best kind and I'm no longer conserned, feeling it less and less nessicary to project my voice beyond my own thoughts
By june, if I haven't at least started a body of work I can quit one job, or both and move out if I want.
I could never treat him as well as I thought he should be treated while I was a mess, didn't see all the warning signs and I guess he thought it was something besides the comunications that was fucked up. But of course niether of us are going to admit any fault, keep going on like we're better than the other and wonder why our insides have gotten so shreaded up and lied to later. I try very hard to think about what I'm doing so even if it goes wrong I can say, "But I did my best with the information I had" but sometimes just feel sorry for the whole thing, and of course he couldn't have loved me, but dose he love anyone at this point.
Don't want to hold out any hope, everything you might have tried to say that light have been one LAST attempt to express yourself just drove me crazy with the back and forth, what I want what I fear and alot of times we operate independently of what we're actually being told is true anyway. Don't want to saddly think, "well, I guess he'll be dissapointed in a bit when he finds out I'm everything I said I was but I no longer care for him (but I've moved on)" but I don't identify with revenge.
If you're still here, I'm sorry I lost it and I really tried. And I did really care about you, was just too confused to express it correctly and I'm no longer good to either of us. You've always been weirdly judgmental, especially towards me and it's alright, I forgive you. We both learned something here. And when you get to know yourself better, if you really pay attention, it will be alright to follow your instincts. If you feel like you need to talk to me, that would be fine. Do you remember how awsome we were years ago? I need to go back and figure out how to get there again, but with everything I've learned. I miss the way you were and at times, after everything just got too fucked up and I felt like I was just being selfish, I would wonder if you would ever be like that again. Captain. And god, go from all apathetic to missing you terrably just like that. BUT WE'VE BOTH LEARNED SOMETHING HERE. And it was never the music, and money is just another thing to make (I'm good at making things) It just thought you'd got wraped in some cruel shell and there was no way you'd really hear me, no way to get you back out. I've seen it happen. I always have hope you'll be strong and all vibrant again someday. On your porch, I realized it was never really the writting. Some time since december, have you realized that it's not really the art itself? You watched me lose it, but I lost it before we met over a year ago, I was in the prosess of getting it back (I know how to get it back) I had to lose it to hang on, part of me wanted to show you I was human. And the fiancial troubles I expressed in a way so you wouldn't worry, but you, knowing all to well of the same troubles thought I just didnt understand. And other boys move me away from you so I can be myself, just myself alone with out them. You can't be replaced and I'm not going to try. I guess part of me wants you to give up hope too, so you can just move on. Oh, sweetheart. Soon if I'm still talking it might not be to you at all...
And don't think I got to tell you, When I was asking about what the ships would look like in person, shortly before I actually saw you for the last time, I meant could we be like this in person, not what do you really look like. But there you were, and though I didn't get to talk to you really, it was so good to see you. Almost half a year ago. I got my GED, a while back, they gave me an award for high scores, and I did the SAT before that, still burned out from sheetz, got a 650 in writting and 540 in math, not bad but I think I could do better. There's probably alot I didn't get to say because I wanted to tell you in person...
So I guess I just have to be patient and let this all fade out. I can feel it happening alittle more each day, but am all to conscience of what's going on. Who knows? I dont.
But now, now it's good to be myself again and I can recallibrate some of those old pregarden dreams and yes, I am becomeing not a typical girlfriend but I'm sure I'll find someone who will love me the way I am, and that's the best kind and I'm no longer conserned, feeling it less and less nessicary to project my voice beyond my own thoughts
By june, if I haven't at least started a body of work I can quit one job, or both and move out if I want.
I could never treat him as well as I thought he should be treated while I was a mess, didn't see all the warning signs and I guess he thought it was something besides the comunications that was fucked up. But of course niether of us are going to admit any fault, keep going on like we're better than the other and wonder why our insides have gotten so shreaded up and lied to later. I try very hard to think about what I'm doing so even if it goes wrong I can say, "But I did my best with the information I had" but sometimes just feel sorry for the whole thing, and of course he couldn't have loved me, but dose he love anyone at this point.
Don't want to hold out any hope, everything you might have tried to say that light have been one LAST attempt to express yourself just drove me crazy with the back and forth, what I want what I fear and alot of times we operate independently of what we're actually being told is true anyway. Don't want to saddly think, "well, I guess he'll be dissapointed in a bit when he finds out I'm everything I said I was but I no longer care for him (but I've moved on)" but I don't identify with revenge.
If you're still here, I'm sorry I lost it and I really tried. And I did really care about you, was just too confused to express it correctly and I'm no longer good to either of us. You've always been weirdly judgmental, especially towards me and it's alright, I forgive you. We both learned something here. And when you get to know yourself better, if you really pay attention, it will be alright to follow your instincts. If you feel like you need to talk to me, that would be fine. Do you remember how awsome we were years ago? I need to go back and figure out how to get there again, but with everything I've learned. I miss the way you were and at times, after everything just got too fucked up and I felt like I was just being selfish, I would wonder if you would ever be like that again. Captain. And god, go from all apathetic to missing you terrably just like that. BUT WE'VE BOTH LEARNED SOMETHING HERE. And it was never the music, and money is just another thing to make (I'm good at making things) It just thought you'd got wraped in some cruel shell and there was no way you'd really hear me, no way to get you back out. I've seen it happen. I always have hope you'll be strong and all vibrant again someday. On your porch, I realized it was never really the writting. Some time since december, have you realized that it's not really the art itself? You watched me lose it, but I lost it before we met over a year ago, I was in the prosess of getting it back (I know how to get it back) I had to lose it to hang on, part of me wanted to show you I was human. And the fiancial troubles I expressed in a way so you wouldn't worry, but you, knowing all to well of the same troubles thought I just didnt understand. And other boys move me away from you so I can be myself, just myself alone with out them. You can't be replaced and I'm not going to try. I guess part of me wants you to give up hope too, so you can just move on. Oh, sweetheart. Soon if I'm still talking it might not be to you at all...
And don't think I got to tell you, When I was asking about what the ships would look like in person, shortly before I actually saw you for the last time, I meant could we be like this in person, not what do you really look like. But there you were, and though I didn't get to talk to you really, it was so good to see you. Almost half a year ago. I got my GED, a while back, they gave me an award for high scores, and I did the SAT before that, still burned out from sheetz, got a 650 in writting and 540 in math, not bad but I think I could do better. There's probably alot I didn't get to say because I wanted to tell you in person...
So I guess I just have to be patient and let this all fade out. I can feel it happening alittle more each day, but am all to conscience of what's going on. Who knows? I dont.