Liberated -- Part Nine
Liberated -- Part Nine
Writer: Ally (wasted_rawkstar)
Fandom: Simple Plan
Rating: R
Summary: After a disastrous fifth album release, the future of Simple Plan is uncertain. With a growing rift between the members, and different passions pulling them in different directions, no one's sure how they'll reconcile the band. So one member takes things into his own hands and makes the only decision he can, putting his relationship and friendships in jeopardy. But will it pay off in the end? It's the gamble he's willing to take.
Parts One to Eight
The music poured over her as Louna lie on the couch with eyes closed, lost in the voice she missed so much. She had been listening to the same playlist of songs for the past week and a half, finding solace in the lilting vocals and sweet guitar melodies. It had been all she could do to cling to the songs David had left for her and fill that pit in her stomach. She hadn’t heard anything from him, or from Julie, or anyone since the picture he’d posted on New Year’s, and now it was nearing the end of February. In her head she couldn’t help but think that in about six weeks it was going to be a full year since he’d left - how had she made it this far? How could she continue to hold on and have that hope that he was coming back to her? Did his promise still count? How was she even supposed to know?
Sometimes we walk - Sometimes we run away - But I know - No matter how fast we are running - Somehow we keep up - Somehow we keep up with each other
It was harder this week though, because it would be the first birthday of hers that David would miss. Even two years before, when the band had put out their last album, they’d managed to celebrate before he left for the European tour, between the craziness of the album release and his departure. At the time she’d thought it would be one of the worst birthdays, because David had hardly been himself that entire week - too stressed about the band and shows and the California Faction. The few hours together at her place the morning before he’d left were the best, since they had found solace and were insulated from everything. Their brunch had been perfect, but then it was time to pick up his luggage and take him to the airport, and just thinking about that day now brought tears to her eyes. She could tell how much he hadn’t wanted to go, but he had no choice, short of disappearing or intentionally going out to crash a motorcycle. Their good-byes at the airport had been prolonged, with promises of lots of texts and answering the phone no matter what. She hated seeing him so defeated, especially when they were just starting out, and she couldn’t help wondering how he would come back - if there would be any light left in his eyes, or if it would all be blown out and smothered.
Do what you will - Always - Walk where you like - Your steps - Do as you please - I’ll back you up
The music drew her back to her living room and she opened her eyes, staring at the ceiling for a moment before looking to the empty corner where David’s guitar should have been. She needed to replace it before he got back - or maybe not. Maybe she would tell him what she’d done and they could pick out something new together; if he still wanted a guitar.
Would he still play when he came back? Music had been the only thing he’d found comfort in before. The few days after he’d been back from the disastrous European tours, that’s all he’d done was sit and play. Only he hadn’t played any of his own songs - it was always someone else’s. He’d gone through an entire 90’s grunge catalog the first day, and then back to the late 70’s classic rock the next. Somehow he’d ended up playing through three albums of some obscure nerd rock he’d been briefly obsessed with, and it made Louna glad she insisted on him staying at her house with Yuki while he’d first been back.
The dog had been the best distraction for him, because otherwise David would lose all track of time and routine. She’d noticed before that he seemed to have obsessive episodes sometimes, when he’d simply forget to eat or even realize he needed to go to the bathroom. Yuki could pull David back into reality and help him keep a routine while he was there, and after three agonizing days of waiting for David’s conscience to clear, it had been a relief to come home and find both David and Yuki curled in bed together - the guitar silent in the corner, and a book on the bedside table, David’s glasses on top of it. His mind had finally quieted, and she wouldn’t have to insist he stay with her again the next night. She could feel calm letting him go back to his place in the morning, but only after he’d taken Yuki out for a nice long walk. She was always making compromises, but more for his sake than he actually knew.
Louna sighed heavily, tears threatening again, but what was new? The cloud had settled over her after New Year’s and she was barely scraping through the days. They were all the same: wake up, go to work, go for a walk with Yuki if the weather wasn’t totally miserable, melt into her couch when they got back, and pass the hours until she could go to bed; repeat. She hated winter to begin with, because her freedom to ride was restricted, and also because the sun was no one’s friend it seemed. The crisp, bright, cold days were a thing of the past, and now everything was colored with dark clouds. She was certain she wasn’t imagining it. But there was no way to lift these clouds; even her moonstone and fire opal could barely bring her light these days.
Wasn’t it obvious what she needed? Yet how could she get it? The music could only help so much, and she could see that it was already waning a bit. She needed David back - or at least another reassurance that he hadn’t forgotten about her. Would he send her a birthday gift? She dared not to think about a note from him, but something would be nice.
Yuki nuzzled her arm abruptly, stretching up off the floor where he’d been lying, and pressed his cold nose to her wrist. She reached to pet his head, scratching behind his ears. “I know what you want,” she told him, frowning. “You want to go back out and play in all that snow, but it’s not happening… I cleaned too many snowballs off you once tonight already.” Yuki gave her a pouty look, as much as dogs could look pouty, and she shook her head again. “Nope. Not til we have to go to bed,” she replied. He nuzzled her arm again, as she’d stopped petting him while talking, only this time Louna relented completely. “Come here…” She patted her lap and Yuki hopped up onto her legs, stretching out and snuggling his head on her chest. She smoothed down his fur and kneaded her fingers into the thick ruff along his neck. His winter coat had grown in the heaviest she’d seen it, which wasn’t surprising given the cold winter they were having - there hadn’t been a day above freezing for the last three weeks.
After a few more minutes of uninterrupted petting, Yuki was practically asleep on top of her, and she reached over to her computer on the coffee table, pressing play to shuffle the music once more. She closed her eyes as David’s voice came from the speakers again, and she could only hope that another sign would come. She knew he was still out there for her, waiting, but she needed the extra reassurance now. The longer he was gone, the more her fears and doubts seemed to be growing too, and she would take anything to silence them - anything at all.
# # #
Three days later it was her actual birthday and her mother insisted they go to lunch together - they would go to Emadou’s for their official birthday dinner that evening, but Julie wanted to do something special for her daughter. She could tell that David’s absence was beginning to take its toll, and she wanted to reassure Louna that no matter what happened with him, she still had the love and support from her family. They returned to their office building after the short walk from the restaurant, walking arm in arm over the treacherous sidewalks, and they shared a grin as they stepped inside, stomping the snow off their boots and shedding their hats, gloves, and jackets.
The receptionist looked up at them with a bright smile. “Oh good,” she said, “Louna, someone came-”
She didn’t hear another word, instead stepped forward and looked instantly to her desk. Had David come back? Had he snuck into the office while they’d been at lunch and was just waiting for her to return, no doubt with that sly Cheshire grin of his if he was. She stared at her desk, half expecting to see him sitting in her chair, his feet propped on the corner of the desk, just waiting for Julie to come scold him.
But there were no boots to be seen on her desk, and no familiar face seated behind it in her chair. Instead, another enormous floral arrangement was there, nearly blocking her entire computer screen. She shook her head, feeling a bit of disappointment in her chest, but she smiled in spite of it.
“The delivery person wasn’t sure who they’re from,” the receptionist said, as Louna managed to tune back to the conversations around her.
She smiled as she looked back to the girl. “I’ll give you one guess.” She stepped away then, walking quickly to her workstation and looking over the arrangement close-up. Lilies and daisies and freesia cascaded out of the vase, all bright pinks, purples, yellows, and even a few orange blossoms. The freesia was fragrant and she took a deep breath of it, feeling summer in her lungs. All at once she was on the edge of some alpine lake, stark naked and laughing as she and David clambered along the rocks after skinny-dipping together. It had only been after they’d taken the plunge that they realized they didn’t have towels, and David’s t-shirt made a poor replacement. It had been one of their favorite motorcycle trips together; certainly one of the most memorable. That had also been the trip when they’d watched the stars one night until three in the morning - camping deep up in the forest away from any light pollution and with a waning crescent moon. The stars had been incredible; the Milky Way galaxy seeming endless and reminding them just how insignificant everything truly was. They’d made love beneath the night sky and slept under the stars until dawn had come. It was the first true time that she remembered being entirely at peace with the nature around her, and now she wondered if David felt the same.
“Are they from David?” Julie’s voice was quiet as she came to stand beside her daughter.
She straightened up, withdrawing her nose from the bouquet. “I haven’t looked… can’t imagine they’re from anyone else… this vase practically matches the other one.”
She gestured to it, and sure enough Julie noticed that it was the same silver mercury glass as the vase Louna had received at Christmas. She wondered if there was any significance to it, but before she could think about it, Louna reached for the small envelope nestled among the blooms.
She slid it open and read carefully.
Lulu ~
Happy Birthday!
May your wishes come true and you be surrounded with love and light today.
J’adore Toujours!
XOXO - - SpeeDy
She frowned, the message seeming a bit impersonal almost, but she knew David had sent it because of his stupid nickname. They were the only ones to call each other those nicknames, except for her nieces, who would probably always call her Lulu. But no one else knew about Speedy D or SpeeDy as they’d shortened it. So why did this note seem lackluster? Were her emotions just that dull right now? Maybe she wasn’t feeling this at all because the clouds of depression had grown so thick. Fuck she needed to break out of this, but how? She was doing everything she could think of to help her carry on with her life, but nothing was working. Her routine was stale. She needed a spark or a blow torch or something. There had to be something she would do, and she would be damned if she was going to sit around any longer and depend on David for it. He had left and she had no control over when he would come back. Yes, she’d chosen to wait for him, but that hardly meant she had to wallow in this pit of misery until he returned. Why had she thought she needed to? That was hardly all she was good for, or capable of. David leaving hadn’t caused her to become a weak woman, it had just given her a sudden excuse to. Why had she accepted that? She had her own life, independent from him, that his comings and goings had never affected before, so why was his absence affecting everything now? It didn’t need to. Yes, he’d made her hurt, and yes, she missed him and worried about him, but that didn’t mean her own life stopped. She had her job, her family, and all her friends she’d been neglecting the past year because of what? She was too scared to talk about what had happened with David? Too scared to admit she didn’t know?
Not anymore.
She was sick of hiding behind the walls she’d put up. It was time to rip those down and throw around the truth that she had no fucking clue what her fiancé was doing, nor did she know where the hell he was. And yes, she was going to start calling him that. She’d been wearing the ring on that finger since Christmas, so it was time to acknowledge it for what it truly was. She needed to be accountable for the promises she was making, and what better way than to tell the world?
“Honey?”
Her mother’s voice was soft and she looked up from the note and the flowers, smiling; her heart felt lighter than it had in months. “They’re from him,” she replied, nodding. “Help me take a picture?”
Julie smiled back. “Of course.”
They took the vase to the empty conference room at the back of the office - the one with enormous windows which let all the natural light inside. Louna ruffled her hat-mushed hair, and held her hands around the vase, making sure the ring was in plain view. Julie snapped a few pictures and after admiring the flowers for another minute, Louna took them back to her desk, perching them carefully on the corner so they didn’t completely distract her from the work she still had to do. The rest of the day passed uneventfully, and while she wanted to post one of the pictures, she knew she had to wait until later that evening. It had been a tradition for her and Emadou to post a photo together, usually with whatever matching gifts they received. It was silly, but they loved it because they never knew what the gifts would be. She stared absently at the flowers, wondering what it would be this year; hopefully not another set of matching phone cases.
Hours later it was finally after five o’clock and she was going through her emails for the last time that day, finishing up all the little projects and problems that couldn’t wait until the next morning. Her phone chimed with a new text and she glanced at it, seeing it was from her sister. She sent the email she was writing before she picked up the phone to read the message, swiping it open.
OMG you won’t believe what’s here for you! Christmas all over again!!
Louna smiled, then frowned. If David had sent her flowers at work, why would he have sent more to her sister’s house? Her thoughts spun, then she shook her head, realizing that David hadn’t sent her a second arrangement. Did you open the card? she asked her sister.
No. was Em’s instant reply.
You should open the card. she sent back.
Are you sure??
Just do it! Louna replied, then stared at her phone for the next minute, waiting for her sister’s reply. She hoped that her intuition was right, but really it was the only thing that made sense to her. Finally the bubble came up to show Em was writing her back. She grinned when the message came through.
You might have a missing loser fiancé but he’s pretty fucking sweet sometimes…
Haha! They’re for you right? Louna wanted to be sure.
Yes! He makes it hard to hate him.
Believe me, I know… see you in ~30 for dinner!
Pick up more wine? Merci SVP! Emadou asked.
Toujours! Louna replied, then set her phone aside, hurrying to finish up her work so she could get to her sister’s house soon.
Twenty minutes later she finally left the office, tucking the flowers into a box with packing paper around the vase to steady it as she carried it to the back alley where her car was parked. She set the box on the floor behind her seat and wedged her moto helmet along the side, hoping it would keep the box from tipping over during the drive. She stopped at a corner market on her way to Emadou’s, and arrived there fifteen minutes later. Julie was already there, and Ella ran onto the porch to greet her aunt, smiling brightly.
“Mama got flowers too!” she announced, holding the door open for Louna to come inside.
She grinned back from behind the flowers, bringing them inside and not leaving them in the freezing car. “I know. Mama texted me because she thought they were for me.” She set the box down on the entry table.
Ella closed the door and looked at her aunt, her dark eyes curious. “Why does David send you flowers and not just come visit?”
She paused as she untied the laces of her boots, watching slush slide onto the wood floor before looking up to meet her niece’s eyes. It was overwhelming to realize just how aware Ella was of David’s absence, but it didn’t make sense to her. Had Ella and David bonded in some way that she hadn’t realized? Why did Ella always question her about where David was and when he’d be back? Had she failed to see how her boyfriend had impacted her niece’s life? They had both taken it for granted that David had always been there, and now he was simply gone. It had been so hard for her to process David’s absence, she could hardly think what it must have been like for Ella, especially since they had never spoken openly about it. Every time Ella asked her questions, she had broken down. She hadn’t told her niece what had happened, and she doubted her sister had either. Would Ella understand why David wasn’t there if Louna explained it? Her niece had a right to know what was going on, even if she didn’t totally understand it. Louna couldn’t lie to her anymore; she couldn’t lie to anyone anymore. It was time for the truth, no matter how much it hurt.
Ella stepped to the entry table, reaching up to lightly touch one of the flowers, then looking at her aunt expectantly.
Louna gave her a soft smile, putting her boots aside and shrugging out of her jacket and scarf as she stood up. “Well, you know he’s been on a trip, right?” She started slowly, piling her things on the bench.
Ella nodded. “Yeah, but it’s the same trip?”
She picked up the paper bag she’d set aside, the two bottles of wine clanking together. “Kind of… how about we go talk about it in the family room? Get a snack from mama first?”
She nodded again, walking to stand beside her aunt. They went into the kitchen together and Emadou smiled at them.
“Happy birthday, Lulu,” she said, reaching to hug her sister tightly.
Louna returned the embrace, then handed her the paper bag. “Happy birthday.”
Em laughed, gesturing to the island counter where four bottles of wine were piled already. “Mom brought some too… guess we should’ve planned better.”
She smiled. “Just so long as one’s opened already.”
“All yours,” Em replied, handing her an empty glass from beside the bottles.
Julie walked into the kitchen then, with Abigail in tow. Abby grinned. “Lulu! Happy birthday!”
Louna stooped down to accept her niece’s hug. “Merci, chere,” she said, then smoothed down Abby’s hair as she stood up. Abigail went back to her grandma at once, and Louna poured herself a glass of wine, finally noticing the flower arrangement on the kitchen table. She sipped the Merlot as she stepped toward the table, gazing at the bright blossoms. It was a slightly smaller bouquet than hers, and it was in a frosted, clear vase instead of the mercury glass. The blooms were vibrant, the same freesia and gerbera daisies that had been in her arrangement, but this bouquet had more orange - tiger lilies instead of the pink and purple Asiatic lilies. The small card was on the table in front of it, face up for her to read.
Where one goes, the other must follow -
But bring light to the shadows and hold fast as the storm passes.
Happiest of birthdays to you, Emadou!
May you celebrate with love today and always.
XOXO - David
She frowned, not quite understanding the message he’d written, and disappointed that it seemed more personal than hers had. She was sure though, that the messages hadn’t been switched. She took another drink of wine and turned away from the table, surprised to find Ella standing right beside her.
“What does that mean?” she asked. “Where one goes, the other must follow?”
Louna exhaled slowly, meeting her niece’s gaze. “Let’s go sit,” she replied after a moment.
They went to the couch together, Ella sitting close to her - closer than Louna expected she would. It was strange, but the last few months Louna had felt more comfortable around Abby than Ella, and it seemed she had just realized why. Ella had somehow known what was going on with David, and the more Louna pushed that topic away, the further away Ella had grown. She looked down to her hands, wrung around her wineglass; she’d be writing a long email to David later, she was sure.
“I think,” she finally started, her voice low, “that David is talking about us being twins… because we’re always together… like you and Abby. Because where one of us is, the other is usually there too. Does that make sense?”
Ella nodded slowly, her dark eyes still shining with curiosity. “I guess… but what about the shadows? And the storm? What’s he talking about?”
She swallowed hard, glancing to her lap for a moment. She and David knew each other too well, and his words had struck deeper than she wanted to acknowledge. But she had to tell Ella the truth. “I don’t know for sure,” she explained quietly, “but I think he’s trying to tell mama to continue being happy, no matter what happens… that even if I might be sad, she doesn’t have to be sad too… or if there’s a storm at my house, it might still be sunny here.”
Ella stared at her for a quiet moment. “Because you’ve been sad? Because he’s gone?”
She nodded, biting the inside of her lip to stifle her emotions. “I’ve missed him a lot,” she replied, her voice soft.
“So why can’t he just come back and see you? Or can he not do that for some reason?”
Louna shook her head automatically. “He can’t… the trip he’s on… he couldn’t tell us where he was going, or how long he’d be gone,” she took a breath, “because he didn’t know either.” She glanced to the kitchen, seeing her mother and sister engrossed in a conversation and not paying attention to her and Ella; Abby had probably gone back to the playroom.
“But why didn’t he know?” Ella asked, her lips turned down, clearly upset.
“He had to leave really fast, and he couldn’t make plans.” Ella opened her mouth, another question brewing, but Louna continued. “But he also didn’t want anyone to know where he was going… he didn’t want anyone to follow him.”
“Because he was sad?”
Ella’s question was hesitant and Louna felt her heart nearly rip in two then; her niece had noticed far more than anyone had realized. She took a slow breath, thinking over how to reply, since the conversation was much heavier than she thought it would be. “What makes you think he was sad?” she asked, unsure how Ella would answer such a question.
She gazed at Louna, her eyes intense. “He wouldn’t smile without you… he used to smile all the time, but before he left… he wasn’t happy.”
Louna’s breath caught in her throat and her hands tightened around the wineglass. How could Ella have known that David had been depressed? That he had been so unhappy? She shifted beside her niece, setting her glass aside onto the coffee table then reaching to take Ella’s hand. “You,” she said quietly, “are much too smart… and no wonder you’re David’s favorite.”
Ella looked down at their hands and then up to her aunt. “But I thought you were… that you’re getting married when he gets back…” She blinked slowly. “He is coming back, isn’t he?”
She looked away from Ella’s gaze, her emotions welling in her throat. “I hope so,” she whispered, unable to bring herself to gloss over the answer. She didn’t want to lie about it anymore, and the longer David was gone, the less hope she held about his return, but whatever thread that remained was all she had to keep her going. His flowers today had brought a bit of that hope back, but it wouldn’t hold her forever. She inhaled shortly, acutely aware of Ella’s dark eyes still fixated on her. “I just don’t know when he’ll be back,” she finally said. “And that’s why I’ve been so sad about him being gone.”
Ella nodded, squeezing her hand and tracing the outline of her ring. “Why did he leave anyway? If you made him happy, and him leaving made you sad…” She looked up, eyes curious and intent as she tried to understand about David’s absence.
Louna sighed inwardly, wondering if she could simplify the band turmoil enough for Ella to understand, or if it would be easier to use some other explanation. But even as she thought it, she knew Ella would see through it. She’d noticed David’s emotions, so it was only fair to tell her the entire truth, no matter how long it would take, or how difficult it would be. “Oh Ell… come here.” She dropped their hands and reached around her, pulling her closer and smoothing back the dark flyaway hairs from her forehead.
Ella curled against her, a frown still on her lips. “I miss him,” she said, her voice quiet. “When he’d take me on his motorcycle… or sing with me.”
Louna wrapped her arms around Ella and kissed the top of her head. “Me too, sweetie… but he had to go and learn what he wants to do now. Because he’s not going to be in his band anymore.” She paused, thinking about how to explain it. “And that’s a big thing for him to go through… like how you might go to a new school… or how daddy got his new job last year. Do you remember how hard that was for him?”
She nodded. “He’s happier now… will David be happier? Not just with you?”
“I think he will be,” she replied.
“But you don’t know when he’s going to come back?”
“I don’t…” she said with a headshake. “He’ll come back when he’s ready to… but he’s the only one who knows when that’ll be.”
Silence held the conversation for a moment and Louna felt relieved that Ella didn’t have another twenty questions for her. It was so hard for her to admit how unhappy David had really been before he’d left - and Ella was absolutely right that the only times it seemed he would smile before he left were when they were together. It had been rare that he looked at ease when he was with the band, or out at any public function really. The mask he’d worn for those appearances was slowly wearing thin, and Louna hoped that he’d be able to shed it while he was away.
“What will he do when he comes back?” Ella asked, her voice still soft. “If he isn’t doing his music?”
Louna smoothed her niece’s hair again. “That’s what he had to go figure out… so he might be going to school, or just working at different places to see what he wants to do.”
Ella looked up at her. “Will he still play his guitar though? Will he still sing with me?”
She smiled, then nodded. “I think he will… and if he says he doesn’t want to then we’ll bribe him, or tape the guitar to him until he plays it.”
She giggled, a smile finally gracing her lips as she imagined David with a guitar taped to his chest. “I don’t think he could play that well if it was taped to him,” she said.
“It would be pretty funny to watch him try though!” she replied with a grin.
Ella giggled more and Louna kissed the top of her head lightly, feeling better that they had finally talked about what was happening with David. She knew that Ella would probably have more questions later, but for now things seemed to be settled and they would talk about it more openly next time. She also knew that the next time she heard from David’s sister, she would have to tell Ella and assure her that David was okay. She held back a sigh, realizing again just how much his disappearance had affected everyone, not just her. She wondered if Em had noticed the change in Ella after David had left. Would Em have known the cause? Would she have attributed it to David at all, or would she have simply thought it was some moody phase her daughter was going through? Ella had always been the more emotional and intuitive of the twins. Abby was the dreamer, her head constantly in the clouds and never noticing how the world spun around her. Ella saw everything in their shades of gray, and no wonder she had so easily picked up on David’s moods and personality shift. It would be interesting to see what happened when David finally came back - if Ella still seemed as connected to him or not.
“I hope he comes back soon,” Ella said, breaking the silence of the moment.
Louna rested her cheek against her niece’s head and held her closer. “Me too, sweetie,” she replied, closing her eyes and pushing the thoughts to the universe. “Me too.”
# # #
David stared at the parts and pieces spread on the sheet in front of him, recalling the information he’d gone over for the twelfth time that morning. Nearly two months had passed since he’d started the motorcycle project, and he was now spending three half days every week at the auto shop with Marcus’ friend, Mike, to learn more about mechanics. Mike was slowly teaching him, but he’d also signed up for an online beginner’s course for the theory and mathematics aspects. He was learning quickly, but with every new build stage he got to with the bike, there was some new challenge. This week it was the brakes and brake lines, and even though he and Mike had gone over it three times that morning, David was second guessing himself as he stared at the loose parts.
The ring of his phone jarred him from the thoughts and he reached for it, frowning when he saw Marcus’ name on the display. “Hey,” he answered, reaching for his bottle of water as he took the call.
“Hey, so… were you actually going to work tonight or are you just going to continue that affair with your lady?”
“Oh fuck…” David looked at his watch, sure enough seeing that it was already after seven o’clock. He hated to be late for work again, especially since Marcus had been so forgiving about it the last few weeks, but he knew that his tardiness wouldn’t fly for much longer. “I’m on my way… is it busy?”
“Not yet,” he replied. “Just get here as soon as you can… heard a couple people mention spring break so we might have a rush sometime.”
“Okay, I’m headed down,” David reassured him.
“All right. See you.”
They hung up and David stared at the parts for another ten seconds or so, hating to leave right in the middle of the fix, but he had no choice. He set the wrenches he’d been using back on the sheet and made sure his other tools were cleaned up. He knew Marcus didn’t care if the garage was in disarray, but David felt better leaving it at least a little picked up. Once he’s straightened things, he shrugged into his jacket, tugged on his gloves and beanie, and left. He picked his way through the muddy, slushy driveway to his SUV, and zipped his jacket higher. Almost all of the snow had finally melted to piles of brown slush, but the wind howled through the trees and bit any piece of warmth it could find. He’d become truly grateful for the trusty heaters in his car, and especially the seat warmers. He slid quickly behind the wheel and the SUV started easily, the vents blasting as he drove. He made the ten-minute drive in seven and pulled behind the bar to park, blocking in Marcus’ truck by the dumpster. He stripped off his gloves as he walked in the back door and looked at his oil and grease stained fingers - he’d definitely need to clean them up before he started pouring drinks, and then remember to get some latex gloves like Mike had suggested.
“And he returns!” Marcus teased him as he walked behind the bar.
He flashed a smirk, stepping to the sink and turning on the water. “Only because I know you couldn’t do tonight without me,” he said, scrubbing his hands with the dish detergent.
Marcus grinned. “Honestly, I’m beginning to think that Mike’s going to steal you away from me for good. Gonna be too classy and smart to be slingin’ booze anymore.”
He rolled his eyes. “So long as I’m in this town and there is beer to be poured… you will always have me,” he replied.
“Careful what you say,” Marcus warned. “Because I might not let you leave if it’s the wrong time now.”
David gave him a doubtful look, shutting off the water and reaching for a towel. “Will there ever be a right time to leave?”
A thoughtful silence held between them for a few seconds before Marcus finally nodded. “You’ll know when the right time comes,” he said. “You’ll be ready.”
David held back an eye-roll, and opened his mouth to dispute his boss, but two groups came to the bar then, looking between the bartenders to see who would serve them. Both men stepped forward, addressing the separate groups and taking orders for pitchers of beer, a few vodka crans, and some rum and cokes - the college kids were definitely on spring break and had come to the bar rather than drink around their too-cold campfires. At least the slight crowd would make the night go by faster, because then David would look forward to going home and then getting back to work on his moto in the morning.
It was nice to realize then, how much he really was looking forward to working on the motorcycle. It wasn’t just a project to pass the time with; it gave him a purpose. And that purpose was the entire reason he’d come out to Halfmoon Bay in the first place. He’d needed to break away from all the chains of Montreal and breathe again. How close had he been to losing himself in that sinking band? He had made the right decision not to go down with the ship and look for dry land on the horizon. He was happy to have found it, and even happier to have found the purpose that would carry him forward. He’d thrown himself into Mike’s teachings and was blowing through the online courses. Somehow it felt like his brain was simply soaking up all the new information - like it had been a desert flat and the new knowledge was the first rain in ages. He was effortlessly taking it all in and it felt amazing to be learning and actually applying the practical knowledge in the most hands-on way. He knew that having the hands-on experience of being in Mike’s shop was invaluable, but also the work on his own bike was continuing to teach him as well.
He wondered if he could become a good enough mechanic to work in a shop. It didn’t seem that being a mechanic would just be a hobby. He could see himself working at a shop someday, because the motorcycle work didn’t feel like actual work to him. And that was the way it had been to play shows; why he’d loved being a musician. Playing every night had rarely felt like work to him.
Of course all the press and media tours were the real work, and same with the endless hours trapped in a recording studio when things weren’t going right. Those hours had been the worst because he had to do the same thing over and over until it was ‘perfect’ and music was never perfect. It was meant to be a bit sloppy and emotions and gritty, and that’s what the band had lost on the last album. It had been too polished and too generic. They were chasing a retreating wave of relevance and couldn’t quite catch it ever again. David had been the first one to see that, and he’d surrendered to it - just not soon enough. If he’d been smart he would have made the move to quit after the fans had dwindled three years before. Everyone relevant had nearly assumed they’d hung it up anyhow, and David couldn’t count the phone calls and emails he’d fielded to go on tour with other bands or record with artists in Montreal. He’d certainly been tempted to go on the road with other artists, and he and Jeff had even tossed around ideas of creating some new project with some other guys in town, but they never brought it to fruition. It seemed that every time they became brave enough to make a move, some phone call or visit from Pierre or Chuck came crashing onto them and there was no clean break.
That was why he’d disappeared.
He wasn’t going to let them reign that power over him anymore. He was going to live his life the way he wanted and if that was living on the west coast in some remote fishing community, tending bar and working on motorcycles, then he’d found his Mecca.
But he knew better.
He knew the pull he felt every time he checked his email and found a message from Louna. He wanted to get back to her; he needed to get back to her, because every time he read her words it was new life breathed back into his lungs and his resolve strengthened all over again. He would know when he was ready to go back, like Marcus had said. There didn’t need to be a set time, because it would just happen. It didn’t matter if it was before or after he finished the motorcycle, because he was taking that with him either way. Somehow he’d just know that it was finally time to go back, and though he was headed home, he knew that he’d always have a place in Halfmoon Bay. The same pull he felt with Louna’s words, he felt in the town, keeping him there for the time being. He had no doubt that when he was ready, the pull from Montreal would be overwhelming.
He could imagine the lighthouse in Matane, lit up as a beacon and lighting his pathway back to Quebec. He missed the winter there - the frozen, desolate tundra of the cities on the river and the flat, icy plains.
“Dude! Spaced much?”
Marcus’ voice cut through his thoughts and he blinked in surprise, looking over at his boss. “Shit, sorry… just thinking about stuff… what you said.”
He frowned. “What I said?”
“Yeah, how I’ll know when I’m ready to go back… or were you just bullshitting me on that one?”
Marcus laughed. “Nah, not on that,” he said with a smirk.
David rolled his eyes, just guessing what Marcus had been bullshitting him on; the man couldn’t be trusted beyond the bar and his official word, that much David had certainly learned the hard way.
“Well anyway, if you’re done contemplating the universe, I have a proposition for you, before you go bus those tables.”
He looked up at his boss doubtfully, slinging a rag over his shoulder and suddenly noticing that his hair was catching under it at the back of his neck. When the hell had that happened? His hair was a shaggy mess since he hadn’t seen a barber in a year, and that was only his own fault. Of course there was a shop in town, but he’d been too lazy or preoccupied to make an appointment. Why worry about cutting his hair when he was finding his new career path? He pushed his fingers back through the strands, freeing it from beneath the towel, and wondered if he needed to go for a quick trim soon - if only to at least tame the wild mess growing on his head.
“What sort of proposition?” he asked warily, hoping for none of the sexual kind; Marcus definitely couldn’t be trusted.
“Well, George found this fishing spot that’s still froze over, and we’re thinking with the forecast next week, we can close the bar for a few days and head up… but we think you should come with us. It’ll certify your place in BC.”
David laughed, since he’d just sort of had that same thought, but he shook his head. “No… thanks, but I think I’ll hold down the bar.”
Marcus’ face was painted with disappointment. “Dude, come on… the bar is going to be dead if this storm comes in. We’ll all be snowed in at home, and you’ll be pissed you can’t work on your bike, so just come with us. You don’t even have to fish. You can just sit there and drink beer… keep Fredo entertained.”
He looked more doubtful. “You’re taking Fredo?”
“Yeah, every year he’s gone with me.”
“Dude! Bears? Wolves?”
Marcus shook his head. “Never seen either… too early for bears anyway. They don’t come out up here til mid-April at least.”
He frowned. “You’re not making a good case for this.”
Marcus laughed. “Just come with us! I promise you’ll have a good time, and it’ll be the break we all need before we have to grind through the spring and summer, all right? Cause after April this shit picks up and if you’re not stayin’ on at the garden place then I’m bumpin’ your hours.”
He raised an eyebrow. “Really?”
“Of course… You know the drill now. I don’t have to train you, the customers actually like you, and I don’t think you’ll have a high flight risk during peak season.” They looked at each other. “Or you’ll be training your replacement before you take off.”
David half-smiled. “Fair enough… I can probably survive another summer,” he made a face. “But only if I survive this ice expedition first.”
Marcus laughed, grinning. “I’ll make sure of it.”
Writer: Ally (wasted_rawkstar)
Fandom: Simple Plan
Rating: R
Summary: After a disastrous fifth album release, the future of Simple Plan is uncertain. With a growing rift between the members, and different passions pulling them in different directions, no one's sure how they'll reconcile the band. So one member takes things into his own hands and makes the only decision he can, putting his relationship and friendships in jeopardy. But will it pay off in the end? It's the gamble he's willing to take.
Parts One to Eight
The music poured over her as Louna lie on the couch with eyes closed, lost in the voice she missed so much. She had been listening to the same playlist of songs for the past week and a half, finding solace in the lilting vocals and sweet guitar melodies. It had been all she could do to cling to the songs David had left for her and fill that pit in her stomach. She hadn’t heard anything from him, or from Julie, or anyone since the picture he’d posted on New Year’s, and now it was nearing the end of February. In her head she couldn’t help but think that in about six weeks it was going to be a full year since he’d left - how had she made it this far? How could she continue to hold on and have that hope that he was coming back to her? Did his promise still count? How was she even supposed to know?
Sometimes we walk - Sometimes we run away - But I know - No matter how fast we are running - Somehow we keep up - Somehow we keep up with each other
It was harder this week though, because it would be the first birthday of hers that David would miss. Even two years before, when the band had put out their last album, they’d managed to celebrate before he left for the European tour, between the craziness of the album release and his departure. At the time she’d thought it would be one of the worst birthdays, because David had hardly been himself that entire week - too stressed about the band and shows and the California Faction. The few hours together at her place the morning before he’d left were the best, since they had found solace and were insulated from everything. Their brunch had been perfect, but then it was time to pick up his luggage and take him to the airport, and just thinking about that day now brought tears to her eyes. She could tell how much he hadn’t wanted to go, but he had no choice, short of disappearing or intentionally going out to crash a motorcycle. Their good-byes at the airport had been prolonged, with promises of lots of texts and answering the phone no matter what. She hated seeing him so defeated, especially when they were just starting out, and she couldn’t help wondering how he would come back - if there would be any light left in his eyes, or if it would all be blown out and smothered.
Do what you will - Always - Walk where you like - Your steps - Do as you please - I’ll back you up
The music drew her back to her living room and she opened her eyes, staring at the ceiling for a moment before looking to the empty corner where David’s guitar should have been. She needed to replace it before he got back - or maybe not. Maybe she would tell him what she’d done and they could pick out something new together; if he still wanted a guitar.
Would he still play when he came back? Music had been the only thing he’d found comfort in before. The few days after he’d been back from the disastrous European tours, that’s all he’d done was sit and play. Only he hadn’t played any of his own songs - it was always someone else’s. He’d gone through an entire 90’s grunge catalog the first day, and then back to the late 70’s classic rock the next. Somehow he’d ended up playing through three albums of some obscure nerd rock he’d been briefly obsessed with, and it made Louna glad she insisted on him staying at her house with Yuki while he’d first been back.
The dog had been the best distraction for him, because otherwise David would lose all track of time and routine. She’d noticed before that he seemed to have obsessive episodes sometimes, when he’d simply forget to eat or even realize he needed to go to the bathroom. Yuki could pull David back into reality and help him keep a routine while he was there, and after three agonizing days of waiting for David’s conscience to clear, it had been a relief to come home and find both David and Yuki curled in bed together - the guitar silent in the corner, and a book on the bedside table, David’s glasses on top of it. His mind had finally quieted, and she wouldn’t have to insist he stay with her again the next night. She could feel calm letting him go back to his place in the morning, but only after he’d taken Yuki out for a nice long walk. She was always making compromises, but more for his sake than he actually knew.
Louna sighed heavily, tears threatening again, but what was new? The cloud had settled over her after New Year’s and she was barely scraping through the days. They were all the same: wake up, go to work, go for a walk with Yuki if the weather wasn’t totally miserable, melt into her couch when they got back, and pass the hours until she could go to bed; repeat. She hated winter to begin with, because her freedom to ride was restricted, and also because the sun was no one’s friend it seemed. The crisp, bright, cold days were a thing of the past, and now everything was colored with dark clouds. She was certain she wasn’t imagining it. But there was no way to lift these clouds; even her moonstone and fire opal could barely bring her light these days.
Wasn’t it obvious what she needed? Yet how could she get it? The music could only help so much, and she could see that it was already waning a bit. She needed David back - or at least another reassurance that he hadn’t forgotten about her. Would he send her a birthday gift? She dared not to think about a note from him, but something would be nice.
Yuki nuzzled her arm abruptly, stretching up off the floor where he’d been lying, and pressed his cold nose to her wrist. She reached to pet his head, scratching behind his ears. “I know what you want,” she told him, frowning. “You want to go back out and play in all that snow, but it’s not happening… I cleaned too many snowballs off you once tonight already.” Yuki gave her a pouty look, as much as dogs could look pouty, and she shook her head again. “Nope. Not til we have to go to bed,” she replied. He nuzzled her arm again, as she’d stopped petting him while talking, only this time Louna relented completely. “Come here…” She patted her lap and Yuki hopped up onto her legs, stretching out and snuggling his head on her chest. She smoothed down his fur and kneaded her fingers into the thick ruff along his neck. His winter coat had grown in the heaviest she’d seen it, which wasn’t surprising given the cold winter they were having - there hadn’t been a day above freezing for the last three weeks.
After a few more minutes of uninterrupted petting, Yuki was practically asleep on top of her, and she reached over to her computer on the coffee table, pressing play to shuffle the music once more. She closed her eyes as David’s voice came from the speakers again, and she could only hope that another sign would come. She knew he was still out there for her, waiting, but she needed the extra reassurance now. The longer he was gone, the more her fears and doubts seemed to be growing too, and she would take anything to silence them - anything at all.
# # #
Three days later it was her actual birthday and her mother insisted they go to lunch together - they would go to Emadou’s for their official birthday dinner that evening, but Julie wanted to do something special for her daughter. She could tell that David’s absence was beginning to take its toll, and she wanted to reassure Louna that no matter what happened with him, she still had the love and support from her family. They returned to their office building after the short walk from the restaurant, walking arm in arm over the treacherous sidewalks, and they shared a grin as they stepped inside, stomping the snow off their boots and shedding their hats, gloves, and jackets.
The receptionist looked up at them with a bright smile. “Oh good,” she said, “Louna, someone came-”
She didn’t hear another word, instead stepped forward and looked instantly to her desk. Had David come back? Had he snuck into the office while they’d been at lunch and was just waiting for her to return, no doubt with that sly Cheshire grin of his if he was. She stared at her desk, half expecting to see him sitting in her chair, his feet propped on the corner of the desk, just waiting for Julie to come scold him.
But there were no boots to be seen on her desk, and no familiar face seated behind it in her chair. Instead, another enormous floral arrangement was there, nearly blocking her entire computer screen. She shook her head, feeling a bit of disappointment in her chest, but she smiled in spite of it.
“The delivery person wasn’t sure who they’re from,” the receptionist said, as Louna managed to tune back to the conversations around her.
She smiled as she looked back to the girl. “I’ll give you one guess.” She stepped away then, walking quickly to her workstation and looking over the arrangement close-up. Lilies and daisies and freesia cascaded out of the vase, all bright pinks, purples, yellows, and even a few orange blossoms. The freesia was fragrant and she took a deep breath of it, feeling summer in her lungs. All at once she was on the edge of some alpine lake, stark naked and laughing as she and David clambered along the rocks after skinny-dipping together. It had only been after they’d taken the plunge that they realized they didn’t have towels, and David’s t-shirt made a poor replacement. It had been one of their favorite motorcycle trips together; certainly one of the most memorable. That had also been the trip when they’d watched the stars one night until three in the morning - camping deep up in the forest away from any light pollution and with a waning crescent moon. The stars had been incredible; the Milky Way galaxy seeming endless and reminding them just how insignificant everything truly was. They’d made love beneath the night sky and slept under the stars until dawn had come. It was the first true time that she remembered being entirely at peace with the nature around her, and now she wondered if David felt the same.
“Are they from David?” Julie’s voice was quiet as she came to stand beside her daughter.
She straightened up, withdrawing her nose from the bouquet. “I haven’t looked… can’t imagine they’re from anyone else… this vase practically matches the other one.”
She gestured to it, and sure enough Julie noticed that it was the same silver mercury glass as the vase Louna had received at Christmas. She wondered if there was any significance to it, but before she could think about it, Louna reached for the small envelope nestled among the blooms.
She slid it open and read carefully.
Lulu ~
Happy Birthday!
May your wishes come true and you be surrounded with love and light today.
J’adore Toujours!
XOXO - - SpeeDy
She frowned, the message seeming a bit impersonal almost, but she knew David had sent it because of his stupid nickname. They were the only ones to call each other those nicknames, except for her nieces, who would probably always call her Lulu. But no one else knew about Speedy D or SpeeDy as they’d shortened it. So why did this note seem lackluster? Were her emotions just that dull right now? Maybe she wasn’t feeling this at all because the clouds of depression had grown so thick. Fuck she needed to break out of this, but how? She was doing everything she could think of to help her carry on with her life, but nothing was working. Her routine was stale. She needed a spark or a blow torch or something. There had to be something she would do, and she would be damned if she was going to sit around any longer and depend on David for it. He had left and she had no control over when he would come back. Yes, she’d chosen to wait for him, but that hardly meant she had to wallow in this pit of misery until he returned. Why had she thought she needed to? That was hardly all she was good for, or capable of. David leaving hadn’t caused her to become a weak woman, it had just given her a sudden excuse to. Why had she accepted that? She had her own life, independent from him, that his comings and goings had never affected before, so why was his absence affecting everything now? It didn’t need to. Yes, he’d made her hurt, and yes, she missed him and worried about him, but that didn’t mean her own life stopped. She had her job, her family, and all her friends she’d been neglecting the past year because of what? She was too scared to talk about what had happened with David? Too scared to admit she didn’t know?
Not anymore.
She was sick of hiding behind the walls she’d put up. It was time to rip those down and throw around the truth that she had no fucking clue what her fiancé was doing, nor did she know where the hell he was. And yes, she was going to start calling him that. She’d been wearing the ring on that finger since Christmas, so it was time to acknowledge it for what it truly was. She needed to be accountable for the promises she was making, and what better way than to tell the world?
“Honey?”
Her mother’s voice was soft and she looked up from the note and the flowers, smiling; her heart felt lighter than it had in months. “They’re from him,” she replied, nodding. “Help me take a picture?”
Julie smiled back. “Of course.”
They took the vase to the empty conference room at the back of the office - the one with enormous windows which let all the natural light inside. Louna ruffled her hat-mushed hair, and held her hands around the vase, making sure the ring was in plain view. Julie snapped a few pictures and after admiring the flowers for another minute, Louna took them back to her desk, perching them carefully on the corner so they didn’t completely distract her from the work she still had to do. The rest of the day passed uneventfully, and while she wanted to post one of the pictures, she knew she had to wait until later that evening. It had been a tradition for her and Emadou to post a photo together, usually with whatever matching gifts they received. It was silly, but they loved it because they never knew what the gifts would be. She stared absently at the flowers, wondering what it would be this year; hopefully not another set of matching phone cases.
Hours later it was finally after five o’clock and she was going through her emails for the last time that day, finishing up all the little projects and problems that couldn’t wait until the next morning. Her phone chimed with a new text and she glanced at it, seeing it was from her sister. She sent the email she was writing before she picked up the phone to read the message, swiping it open.
OMG you won’t believe what’s here for you! Christmas all over again!!
Louna smiled, then frowned. If David had sent her flowers at work, why would he have sent more to her sister’s house? Her thoughts spun, then she shook her head, realizing that David hadn’t sent her a second arrangement. Did you open the card? she asked her sister.
No. was Em’s instant reply.
You should open the card. she sent back.
Are you sure??
Just do it! Louna replied, then stared at her phone for the next minute, waiting for her sister’s reply. She hoped that her intuition was right, but really it was the only thing that made sense to her. Finally the bubble came up to show Em was writing her back. She grinned when the message came through.
You might have a missing loser fiancé but he’s pretty fucking sweet sometimes…
Haha! They’re for you right? Louna wanted to be sure.
Yes! He makes it hard to hate him.
Believe me, I know… see you in ~30 for dinner!
Pick up more wine? Merci SVP! Emadou asked.
Toujours! Louna replied, then set her phone aside, hurrying to finish up her work so she could get to her sister’s house soon.
Twenty minutes later she finally left the office, tucking the flowers into a box with packing paper around the vase to steady it as she carried it to the back alley where her car was parked. She set the box on the floor behind her seat and wedged her moto helmet along the side, hoping it would keep the box from tipping over during the drive. She stopped at a corner market on her way to Emadou’s, and arrived there fifteen minutes later. Julie was already there, and Ella ran onto the porch to greet her aunt, smiling brightly.
“Mama got flowers too!” she announced, holding the door open for Louna to come inside.
She grinned back from behind the flowers, bringing them inside and not leaving them in the freezing car. “I know. Mama texted me because she thought they were for me.” She set the box down on the entry table.
Ella closed the door and looked at her aunt, her dark eyes curious. “Why does David send you flowers and not just come visit?”
She paused as she untied the laces of her boots, watching slush slide onto the wood floor before looking up to meet her niece’s eyes. It was overwhelming to realize just how aware Ella was of David’s absence, but it didn’t make sense to her. Had Ella and David bonded in some way that she hadn’t realized? Why did Ella always question her about where David was and when he’d be back? Had she failed to see how her boyfriend had impacted her niece’s life? They had both taken it for granted that David had always been there, and now he was simply gone. It had been so hard for her to process David’s absence, she could hardly think what it must have been like for Ella, especially since they had never spoken openly about it. Every time Ella asked her questions, she had broken down. She hadn’t told her niece what had happened, and she doubted her sister had either. Would Ella understand why David wasn’t there if Louna explained it? Her niece had a right to know what was going on, even if she didn’t totally understand it. Louna couldn’t lie to her anymore; she couldn’t lie to anyone anymore. It was time for the truth, no matter how much it hurt.
Ella stepped to the entry table, reaching up to lightly touch one of the flowers, then looking at her aunt expectantly.
Louna gave her a soft smile, putting her boots aside and shrugging out of her jacket and scarf as she stood up. “Well, you know he’s been on a trip, right?” She started slowly, piling her things on the bench.
Ella nodded. “Yeah, but it’s the same trip?”
She picked up the paper bag she’d set aside, the two bottles of wine clanking together. “Kind of… how about we go talk about it in the family room? Get a snack from mama first?”
She nodded again, walking to stand beside her aunt. They went into the kitchen together and Emadou smiled at them.
“Happy birthday, Lulu,” she said, reaching to hug her sister tightly.
Louna returned the embrace, then handed her the paper bag. “Happy birthday.”
Em laughed, gesturing to the island counter where four bottles of wine were piled already. “Mom brought some too… guess we should’ve planned better.”
She smiled. “Just so long as one’s opened already.”
“All yours,” Em replied, handing her an empty glass from beside the bottles.
Julie walked into the kitchen then, with Abigail in tow. Abby grinned. “Lulu! Happy birthday!”
Louna stooped down to accept her niece’s hug. “Merci, chere,” she said, then smoothed down Abby’s hair as she stood up. Abigail went back to her grandma at once, and Louna poured herself a glass of wine, finally noticing the flower arrangement on the kitchen table. She sipped the Merlot as she stepped toward the table, gazing at the bright blossoms. It was a slightly smaller bouquet than hers, and it was in a frosted, clear vase instead of the mercury glass. The blooms were vibrant, the same freesia and gerbera daisies that had been in her arrangement, but this bouquet had more orange - tiger lilies instead of the pink and purple Asiatic lilies. The small card was on the table in front of it, face up for her to read.
Where one goes, the other must follow -
But bring light to the shadows and hold fast as the storm passes.
Happiest of birthdays to you, Emadou!
May you celebrate with love today and always.
XOXO - David
She frowned, not quite understanding the message he’d written, and disappointed that it seemed more personal than hers had. She was sure though, that the messages hadn’t been switched. She took another drink of wine and turned away from the table, surprised to find Ella standing right beside her.
“What does that mean?” she asked. “Where one goes, the other must follow?”
Louna exhaled slowly, meeting her niece’s gaze. “Let’s go sit,” she replied after a moment.
They went to the couch together, Ella sitting close to her - closer than Louna expected she would. It was strange, but the last few months Louna had felt more comfortable around Abby than Ella, and it seemed she had just realized why. Ella had somehow known what was going on with David, and the more Louna pushed that topic away, the further away Ella had grown. She looked down to her hands, wrung around her wineglass; she’d be writing a long email to David later, she was sure.
“I think,” she finally started, her voice low, “that David is talking about us being twins… because we’re always together… like you and Abby. Because where one of us is, the other is usually there too. Does that make sense?”
Ella nodded slowly, her dark eyes still shining with curiosity. “I guess… but what about the shadows? And the storm? What’s he talking about?”
She swallowed hard, glancing to her lap for a moment. She and David knew each other too well, and his words had struck deeper than she wanted to acknowledge. But she had to tell Ella the truth. “I don’t know for sure,” she explained quietly, “but I think he’s trying to tell mama to continue being happy, no matter what happens… that even if I might be sad, she doesn’t have to be sad too… or if there’s a storm at my house, it might still be sunny here.”
Ella stared at her for a quiet moment. “Because you’ve been sad? Because he’s gone?”
She nodded, biting the inside of her lip to stifle her emotions. “I’ve missed him a lot,” she replied, her voice soft.
“So why can’t he just come back and see you? Or can he not do that for some reason?”
Louna shook her head automatically. “He can’t… the trip he’s on… he couldn’t tell us where he was going, or how long he’d be gone,” she took a breath, “because he didn’t know either.” She glanced to the kitchen, seeing her mother and sister engrossed in a conversation and not paying attention to her and Ella; Abby had probably gone back to the playroom.
“But why didn’t he know?” Ella asked, her lips turned down, clearly upset.
“He had to leave really fast, and he couldn’t make plans.” Ella opened her mouth, another question brewing, but Louna continued. “But he also didn’t want anyone to know where he was going… he didn’t want anyone to follow him.”
“Because he was sad?”
Ella’s question was hesitant and Louna felt her heart nearly rip in two then; her niece had noticed far more than anyone had realized. She took a slow breath, thinking over how to reply, since the conversation was much heavier than she thought it would be. “What makes you think he was sad?” she asked, unsure how Ella would answer such a question.
She gazed at Louna, her eyes intense. “He wouldn’t smile without you… he used to smile all the time, but before he left… he wasn’t happy.”
Louna’s breath caught in her throat and her hands tightened around the wineglass. How could Ella have known that David had been depressed? That he had been so unhappy? She shifted beside her niece, setting her glass aside onto the coffee table then reaching to take Ella’s hand. “You,” she said quietly, “are much too smart… and no wonder you’re David’s favorite.”
Ella looked down at their hands and then up to her aunt. “But I thought you were… that you’re getting married when he gets back…” She blinked slowly. “He is coming back, isn’t he?”
She looked away from Ella’s gaze, her emotions welling in her throat. “I hope so,” she whispered, unable to bring herself to gloss over the answer. She didn’t want to lie about it anymore, and the longer David was gone, the less hope she held about his return, but whatever thread that remained was all she had to keep her going. His flowers today had brought a bit of that hope back, but it wouldn’t hold her forever. She inhaled shortly, acutely aware of Ella’s dark eyes still fixated on her. “I just don’t know when he’ll be back,” she finally said. “And that’s why I’ve been so sad about him being gone.”
Ella nodded, squeezing her hand and tracing the outline of her ring. “Why did he leave anyway? If you made him happy, and him leaving made you sad…” She looked up, eyes curious and intent as she tried to understand about David’s absence.
Louna sighed inwardly, wondering if she could simplify the band turmoil enough for Ella to understand, or if it would be easier to use some other explanation. But even as she thought it, she knew Ella would see through it. She’d noticed David’s emotions, so it was only fair to tell her the entire truth, no matter how long it would take, or how difficult it would be. “Oh Ell… come here.” She dropped their hands and reached around her, pulling her closer and smoothing back the dark flyaway hairs from her forehead.
Ella curled against her, a frown still on her lips. “I miss him,” she said, her voice quiet. “When he’d take me on his motorcycle… or sing with me.”
Louna wrapped her arms around Ella and kissed the top of her head. “Me too, sweetie… but he had to go and learn what he wants to do now. Because he’s not going to be in his band anymore.” She paused, thinking about how to explain it. “And that’s a big thing for him to go through… like how you might go to a new school… or how daddy got his new job last year. Do you remember how hard that was for him?”
She nodded. “He’s happier now… will David be happier? Not just with you?”
“I think he will be,” she replied.
“But you don’t know when he’s going to come back?”
“I don’t…” she said with a headshake. “He’ll come back when he’s ready to… but he’s the only one who knows when that’ll be.”
Silence held the conversation for a moment and Louna felt relieved that Ella didn’t have another twenty questions for her. It was so hard for her to admit how unhappy David had really been before he’d left - and Ella was absolutely right that the only times it seemed he would smile before he left were when they were together. It had been rare that he looked at ease when he was with the band, or out at any public function really. The mask he’d worn for those appearances was slowly wearing thin, and Louna hoped that he’d be able to shed it while he was away.
“What will he do when he comes back?” Ella asked, her voice still soft. “If he isn’t doing his music?”
Louna smoothed her niece’s hair again. “That’s what he had to go figure out… so he might be going to school, or just working at different places to see what he wants to do.”
Ella looked up at her. “Will he still play his guitar though? Will he still sing with me?”
She smiled, then nodded. “I think he will… and if he says he doesn’t want to then we’ll bribe him, or tape the guitar to him until he plays it.”
She giggled, a smile finally gracing her lips as she imagined David with a guitar taped to his chest. “I don’t think he could play that well if it was taped to him,” she said.
“It would be pretty funny to watch him try though!” she replied with a grin.
Ella giggled more and Louna kissed the top of her head lightly, feeling better that they had finally talked about what was happening with David. She knew that Ella would probably have more questions later, but for now things seemed to be settled and they would talk about it more openly next time. She also knew that the next time she heard from David’s sister, she would have to tell Ella and assure her that David was okay. She held back a sigh, realizing again just how much his disappearance had affected everyone, not just her. She wondered if Em had noticed the change in Ella after David had left. Would Em have known the cause? Would she have attributed it to David at all, or would she have simply thought it was some moody phase her daughter was going through? Ella had always been the more emotional and intuitive of the twins. Abby was the dreamer, her head constantly in the clouds and never noticing how the world spun around her. Ella saw everything in their shades of gray, and no wonder she had so easily picked up on David’s moods and personality shift. It would be interesting to see what happened when David finally came back - if Ella still seemed as connected to him or not.
“I hope he comes back soon,” Ella said, breaking the silence of the moment.
Louna rested her cheek against her niece’s head and held her closer. “Me too, sweetie,” she replied, closing her eyes and pushing the thoughts to the universe. “Me too.”
# # #
David stared at the parts and pieces spread on the sheet in front of him, recalling the information he’d gone over for the twelfth time that morning. Nearly two months had passed since he’d started the motorcycle project, and he was now spending three half days every week at the auto shop with Marcus’ friend, Mike, to learn more about mechanics. Mike was slowly teaching him, but he’d also signed up for an online beginner’s course for the theory and mathematics aspects. He was learning quickly, but with every new build stage he got to with the bike, there was some new challenge. This week it was the brakes and brake lines, and even though he and Mike had gone over it three times that morning, David was second guessing himself as he stared at the loose parts.
The ring of his phone jarred him from the thoughts and he reached for it, frowning when he saw Marcus’ name on the display. “Hey,” he answered, reaching for his bottle of water as he took the call.
“Hey, so… were you actually going to work tonight or are you just going to continue that affair with your lady?”
“Oh fuck…” David looked at his watch, sure enough seeing that it was already after seven o’clock. He hated to be late for work again, especially since Marcus had been so forgiving about it the last few weeks, but he knew that his tardiness wouldn’t fly for much longer. “I’m on my way… is it busy?”
“Not yet,” he replied. “Just get here as soon as you can… heard a couple people mention spring break so we might have a rush sometime.”
“Okay, I’m headed down,” David reassured him.
“All right. See you.”
They hung up and David stared at the parts for another ten seconds or so, hating to leave right in the middle of the fix, but he had no choice. He set the wrenches he’d been using back on the sheet and made sure his other tools were cleaned up. He knew Marcus didn’t care if the garage was in disarray, but David felt better leaving it at least a little picked up. Once he’s straightened things, he shrugged into his jacket, tugged on his gloves and beanie, and left. He picked his way through the muddy, slushy driveway to his SUV, and zipped his jacket higher. Almost all of the snow had finally melted to piles of brown slush, but the wind howled through the trees and bit any piece of warmth it could find. He’d become truly grateful for the trusty heaters in his car, and especially the seat warmers. He slid quickly behind the wheel and the SUV started easily, the vents blasting as he drove. He made the ten-minute drive in seven and pulled behind the bar to park, blocking in Marcus’ truck by the dumpster. He stripped off his gloves as he walked in the back door and looked at his oil and grease stained fingers - he’d definitely need to clean them up before he started pouring drinks, and then remember to get some latex gloves like Mike had suggested.
“And he returns!” Marcus teased him as he walked behind the bar.
He flashed a smirk, stepping to the sink and turning on the water. “Only because I know you couldn’t do tonight without me,” he said, scrubbing his hands with the dish detergent.
Marcus grinned. “Honestly, I’m beginning to think that Mike’s going to steal you away from me for good. Gonna be too classy and smart to be slingin’ booze anymore.”
He rolled his eyes. “So long as I’m in this town and there is beer to be poured… you will always have me,” he replied.
“Careful what you say,” Marcus warned. “Because I might not let you leave if it’s the wrong time now.”
David gave him a doubtful look, shutting off the water and reaching for a towel. “Will there ever be a right time to leave?”
A thoughtful silence held between them for a few seconds before Marcus finally nodded. “You’ll know when the right time comes,” he said. “You’ll be ready.”
David held back an eye-roll, and opened his mouth to dispute his boss, but two groups came to the bar then, looking between the bartenders to see who would serve them. Both men stepped forward, addressing the separate groups and taking orders for pitchers of beer, a few vodka crans, and some rum and cokes - the college kids were definitely on spring break and had come to the bar rather than drink around their too-cold campfires. At least the slight crowd would make the night go by faster, because then David would look forward to going home and then getting back to work on his moto in the morning.
It was nice to realize then, how much he really was looking forward to working on the motorcycle. It wasn’t just a project to pass the time with; it gave him a purpose. And that purpose was the entire reason he’d come out to Halfmoon Bay in the first place. He’d needed to break away from all the chains of Montreal and breathe again. How close had he been to losing himself in that sinking band? He had made the right decision not to go down with the ship and look for dry land on the horizon. He was happy to have found it, and even happier to have found the purpose that would carry him forward. He’d thrown himself into Mike’s teachings and was blowing through the online courses. Somehow it felt like his brain was simply soaking up all the new information - like it had been a desert flat and the new knowledge was the first rain in ages. He was effortlessly taking it all in and it felt amazing to be learning and actually applying the practical knowledge in the most hands-on way. He knew that having the hands-on experience of being in Mike’s shop was invaluable, but also the work on his own bike was continuing to teach him as well.
He wondered if he could become a good enough mechanic to work in a shop. It didn’t seem that being a mechanic would just be a hobby. He could see himself working at a shop someday, because the motorcycle work didn’t feel like actual work to him. And that was the way it had been to play shows; why he’d loved being a musician. Playing every night had rarely felt like work to him.
Of course all the press and media tours were the real work, and same with the endless hours trapped in a recording studio when things weren’t going right. Those hours had been the worst because he had to do the same thing over and over until it was ‘perfect’ and music was never perfect. It was meant to be a bit sloppy and emotions and gritty, and that’s what the band had lost on the last album. It had been too polished and too generic. They were chasing a retreating wave of relevance and couldn’t quite catch it ever again. David had been the first one to see that, and he’d surrendered to it - just not soon enough. If he’d been smart he would have made the move to quit after the fans had dwindled three years before. Everyone relevant had nearly assumed they’d hung it up anyhow, and David couldn’t count the phone calls and emails he’d fielded to go on tour with other bands or record with artists in Montreal. He’d certainly been tempted to go on the road with other artists, and he and Jeff had even tossed around ideas of creating some new project with some other guys in town, but they never brought it to fruition. It seemed that every time they became brave enough to make a move, some phone call or visit from Pierre or Chuck came crashing onto them and there was no clean break.
That was why he’d disappeared.
He wasn’t going to let them reign that power over him anymore. He was going to live his life the way he wanted and if that was living on the west coast in some remote fishing community, tending bar and working on motorcycles, then he’d found his Mecca.
But he knew better.
He knew the pull he felt every time he checked his email and found a message from Louna. He wanted to get back to her; he needed to get back to her, because every time he read her words it was new life breathed back into his lungs and his resolve strengthened all over again. He would know when he was ready to go back, like Marcus had said. There didn’t need to be a set time, because it would just happen. It didn’t matter if it was before or after he finished the motorcycle, because he was taking that with him either way. Somehow he’d just know that it was finally time to go back, and though he was headed home, he knew that he’d always have a place in Halfmoon Bay. The same pull he felt with Louna’s words, he felt in the town, keeping him there for the time being. He had no doubt that when he was ready, the pull from Montreal would be overwhelming.
He could imagine the lighthouse in Matane, lit up as a beacon and lighting his pathway back to Quebec. He missed the winter there - the frozen, desolate tundra of the cities on the river and the flat, icy plains.
“Dude! Spaced much?”
Marcus’ voice cut through his thoughts and he blinked in surprise, looking over at his boss. “Shit, sorry… just thinking about stuff… what you said.”
He frowned. “What I said?”
“Yeah, how I’ll know when I’m ready to go back… or were you just bullshitting me on that one?”
Marcus laughed. “Nah, not on that,” he said with a smirk.
David rolled his eyes, just guessing what Marcus had been bullshitting him on; the man couldn’t be trusted beyond the bar and his official word, that much David had certainly learned the hard way.
“Well anyway, if you’re done contemplating the universe, I have a proposition for you, before you go bus those tables.”
He looked up at his boss doubtfully, slinging a rag over his shoulder and suddenly noticing that his hair was catching under it at the back of his neck. When the hell had that happened? His hair was a shaggy mess since he hadn’t seen a barber in a year, and that was only his own fault. Of course there was a shop in town, but he’d been too lazy or preoccupied to make an appointment. Why worry about cutting his hair when he was finding his new career path? He pushed his fingers back through the strands, freeing it from beneath the towel, and wondered if he needed to go for a quick trim soon - if only to at least tame the wild mess growing on his head.
“What sort of proposition?” he asked warily, hoping for none of the sexual kind; Marcus definitely couldn’t be trusted.
“Well, George found this fishing spot that’s still froze over, and we’re thinking with the forecast next week, we can close the bar for a few days and head up… but we think you should come with us. It’ll certify your place in BC.”
David laughed, since he’d just sort of had that same thought, but he shook his head. “No… thanks, but I think I’ll hold down the bar.”
Marcus’ face was painted with disappointment. “Dude, come on… the bar is going to be dead if this storm comes in. We’ll all be snowed in at home, and you’ll be pissed you can’t work on your bike, so just come with us. You don’t even have to fish. You can just sit there and drink beer… keep Fredo entertained.”
He looked more doubtful. “You’re taking Fredo?”
“Yeah, every year he’s gone with me.”
“Dude! Bears? Wolves?”
Marcus shook his head. “Never seen either… too early for bears anyway. They don’t come out up here til mid-April at least.”
He frowned. “You’re not making a good case for this.”
Marcus laughed. “Just come with us! I promise you’ll have a good time, and it’ll be the break we all need before we have to grind through the spring and summer, all right? Cause after April this shit picks up and if you’re not stayin’ on at the garden place then I’m bumpin’ your hours.”
He raised an eyebrow. “Really?”
“Of course… You know the drill now. I don’t have to train you, the customers actually like you, and I don’t think you’ll have a high flight risk during peak season.” They looked at each other. “Or you’ll be training your replacement before you take off.”
David half-smiled. “Fair enough… I can probably survive another summer,” he made a face. “But only if I survive this ice expedition first.”
Marcus laughed, grinning. “I’ll make sure of it.”