Liberated -- Part Five
Liberated -- Part Five
Writer: Ally (wasted_rawkstar)
Fandom: Simple Plan
Rating: R
Summary: After a disastrous fifth album release, the future of Simple Plan is uncertain. With a growing rift between the members, and different passions pulling them in different directions, no one's sure how they'll reconcile the band. So one member takes things into his own hands and makes the only decision he can, putting his relationship and friendships in jeopardy. But will it pay off in the end? It's the gamble he's willing to take.
Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
The din of the party was cheerful, a bright, melodic pop anthem coming from the speakers on one side of the rooftop, and the sunset streaking the sky a hazy orange and gold. Louna hung near a group of casual acquaintances, a watchful eye on her sister who chatted with a friend near the door, and also tracking her friend Thalia, who was with another small group near the makeshift bar. She took a drink of the icy peach sangria, only half paying attention to the conversation around her. She would much rather have stayed in at home that Saturday night, but both Emadou and Thalia insisted she come out to the rooftop party since she’d already missed the season kick-off and this was the official summer solstice party. Begrudgingly, she’d come along, knowing that she would have to return to all her social obligations at some point. She couldn’t hide behind her work and hole up at home forever; that wasn’t what David would’ve wanted. He’d been the reigning king of impromptu nights out and parties and shows, which suited her just fine if they were together. She’d always been game to go with him to whatever concert he had tickets to, or was on the guest list for, so it hadn’t been a surprise when a promoter at one of the venues called her out of the blue, asking if she wanted on the list or some upcoming shows. David had always made sure to put her name own as his ‘plus one’ and the venue workers had gotten to know them well. Louna had declined the offer, but thanked the woman for calling her. It was a weird feeling of sadness that came over her after the phone call - like she’d given up another piece of David she was still holding onto. She wasn’t sure how much she could give up and still feel connected to him. Since he was gone she’d given up his house, their motorcycle trips, the shows, the crazy parties with all the musicians and bands coming through town, and most of the friends she knew because of those parties and shows. She had gone from being a social queen to a reclusive shut-in within a week of his departure, and now Emadou and Thalia were trying to pry her out of the cocoon she’d built. She couldn’t imagine emerging from this any better than she’d gone in. Her wings would be deformed, or maybe not even there. The caterpillar wasn’t going to turn into a butterfly - just an ugly, broken moth, fighting to fly into whatever open flame would welcome it and incinerate it completely.
She blinked hard, pushing the dark thoughts from her head and taking another sip of the beverage. The sangria was a touch too sweet, but she had no interest in drinking hard alcohol because she knew how that night could end. She didn’t want to be wrecked the next day, mostly because she and Jeff had plans to go on a spin around Mount Tremblant, and she’d been looking forward to it. They had found an easy friendship with one another in David’s absence - going on motorcycle rides and meeting for the occasional beer. Jeff had even, like David suggested, invited her to a couple restaurants to test the new vegan offerings. She was grateful, and it made for a good distraction when she was overcome with the David-shaped vacancy in her life. She hadn’t realized just how dependent she had become on him, until he was no longer there. And it wasn’t fair. She missed him terribly most days, and it was all she could do to stop herself emailing him about every mundane thing. He had left for a reason, and she needed to give him space to work through that. She just hoped he would work quickly and come back soon, because the two months she’d endured already had been quite long enough, and she wasn’t sure how much longer she could take.
“Isn’t that right, Louna?”
She looked up instantly, caught off-guard with the woman addressing her directly, and cursing herself for not paying more attention. She offered an uneasy smile. “Um, sorry,” she said, “I didn’t catch the question… the sunset…” She gestured to the view behind the woman, thankful everyone turned to look at the sky for a minute. She drank half of what was left in her glass in a few large swallows before the attention returned to the group.
“Oh, I was just saying it’s so hard to move on from long term relationships… I can only imagine what it must be like for you, since David…”
The woman trailed off and Louna fought to keep her gaze neutral. Yes, she’d been a wreck since David had left, but she didn’t really have plans to move on, especially since David expected her to wait for him. The hardest part of his absence had been coming to terms with that secret, well, that and the nasty shit-talking everyone did behind her back when they thought she wasn’t listening. They thought she didn’t hear the way they criticized the band, and the way the guys had split, and how rotten David was for just up and leaving, but she heard it all. The worst was agreeing with half of it and not being able to acknowledge it. She had to be stoic in public these days, otherwise the cracks she felt all through her would start to show, and she didn’t want anyone to see them. So she lied, and put up a façade, and faked her way through it all, just like she’d seen David do it for all those years. But what he’d asked her to do for him… rather, the question he hadn’t asked… that was what would do her in. Emadou was the only person who knew about the ring David had left for her, and she was keeping it that way. Though she wasn’t wearing the ring, she hadn’t outwardly rejected David either. For now, she was stuck in an awkward limbo of waiting, but she would never give anyone the satisfaction of knowing that.
She took a slow breath, leveling her eyes at the woman across from her. “You know, just because David’s gone, doesn’t mean we’ve actually broken up,” she replied.
“Oh… I just assumed-”
“And your assumption was wrong,” she said, not letting the woman finish, then offering a flippant smile. “Really this hasn’t been any different than him being gone on tour… maybe a few less texts.”
Quiet laughter rippled around the group and a blush started to color the woman’s cheeks.
“And if you care to recall it, my relationship with David was always rather private, and I would appreciate it if you could still respect that.”
The woman’s eyes flickered with hints of anger; clearly she had thought this conversation was going to go a different way. “But David’s gone, so why does it matter?” Her tone was haughty.
Louna clenched her fingers around the cold glass in her hand. “It matters because I’m still here, and David’s had enough of his so-called friends violate his privacy already. I’m not going to stand by and listen to someone tell me my relationship is over just because my boyfriend made a decision to leave for awhile and get his life back in order. I’ve spent the last two months trying to piece together what went wrong for him and finally decided that I couldn’t live my life like that… David will be back when he’s back, and if we can still be together after that happens, then so be it. I did not come here tonight to be a spectacle and to have my relationship picked apart by hungry vultures. I came to be with my friends and to get my mind off all this for a little while, but clearly that isn’t going to happen. Thanks so much for bringing it up.” She leveled her gaze at the woman, eyes dark and hard. “I really appreciate it.” She held the stare for a moment longer then turned away from the group, slipping past the crowd of people, who had gone curiously quiet, and joined Thalia at the bar. Her friend’s eyes were wide and nervous.
“Are you okay?” she asked, trying to keep her voice below the din of the music.
Louna set her glass aside and shook her head. “No,” she replied easily. “I’m going to go.”
Thalia frowned. “Please don’t? I wanted you to have a good time.”
“It was a valient effort,” she said. “I just don’t think I’m ready for this… especially when all anyone wants to talk about is David, and I don’t have any answers for them.”
Thalia still looked disconcerted and took in a breath to reply, but Emadou came to stand beside her sister.
“Lou?” her voice was soft.
Louna met her sister’s gaze, but shook her head. “I need to go.”
She nodded. “It’s okay, I’ll take you home… can you cab it?” she asked Thalia.
Thalia nodded, pressing her lips together in a grimace. “I’m sorry,” she said, looking at Louna hopefully.
She dismissed the apology with a short shrug; it had been too soon to do this. Now she knew she needed more time to process what had happened with David, and to plan how she reacted in these situations. It hadn’t been Thalia’s fault, or Em’s fault, or even her own fault. People were nosy - she knew that, but she hadn’t expected to talk about David tonight. She had truly wanted to come and try to have a good time, but their friends had to learn her boundaries first, and respect her privacy and not make gross assumptions. Somehow she knew that it would take a long time for all those things to fall into place, and she was willing to wait and work for it, but the wound was still too fresh to face right now. She still had to let herself heal, and little by little that was happening. She just still had a long way to go.
“Come on…” Emadou directed her sister, reaching to take her hand and lead her out of the party.
She followed aimlessly, staring at the bright purple heels Em wore and wondering when she’d bought them. Had it been in the past few weeks? It seemed like all her days had started to blur together and even though she’d seen Em every week since David had left she suddenly couldn’t recall any of their conversations. It felt like her head simply wasn’t there. She was there, seeing and hearing everything, but none of it was digesting in her head. What the fuck was going on?
She kept her head down and didn’t look up until they reached the elevator, because in the pit of her stomach she could feel the emotions that wanted to boil over. All the anger she’d been pushing aside was threatening, and she didn’t know why.
Why was she so angry? Why couldn’t she hear David’s name without wanting to hurl something at the nearest wall? Why did it still hurt so much?
“Louna…” Emadou whispered her name, not sure what spell her sister had fallen under as they stood waiting for the lift. She inhaled in surprise as Louna’s grip on her hand suddenly became fierce - almost painful. She could see Louna’s expression change after a moment, emotions racing through her eyes. The vacant look of loss and hurt was replaced with determination and rage. She knew then what was coming, but she didn’t know how to stop it. The train was going to derail and the only thing she could do was clean up the aftermath, and that was only if she didn’t get taken out in the collision.
Louna closed her eyes, her hand tight on Emadou’s grasp as she took a slow, deep breath. The anger pulsed through her, fast and hot and it was all she could do to not turn on her sister. Her sister - her twin - had nothing to do with this, she told herself. She couldn’t unleash that rage on Em, because there was absolutely nothing fair about that. Emadou had been nothing but patient, and kind, and understanding through all of this, and she couldn’t push away or alienate the person who was helping her maintain the last of her sanity. She had to fight to stay in control; god she couldn’t fucking lose it. Not here. Not now.
She took another breath, grateful to hear the ding of the elevator. She opened her eyes and followed Em inside, her grip still fierce on her twin’s hand. They stayed silent on the ride down, Em’s eyes questioning her the entire way. It wasn’t until they exited the building and reached the car that Louna finally let go of their handhold. She had stifled the rage - depriving it of fuel so it couldn’t spread and demolish everything in its path. It had been quelled for the time being, but Louna had no idea how long that would last. She knew those emotions would demand her attention again and it would be harder to deny them next time.
She sank into the passenger’s seat, a wave of exhaustion washing over her, followed with a sudden sadness. She stared out at the darkened sky as Emadou slid into the driver’s seat and started the car, still offering no words of consolation. Louna’s eyes caught on the moon, a waning sliver of light against the black shroud of night.
“How could he do this?” she asked, even though it was probably the millionth time she’d asked it. “And why the fuck do I still feel like this?” The sadness choked her words and she closed her eyes to hold the tears back. Two months and she was still a total wreck because of David; that asshole. She wanted to go back to being numb about what happened. She wanted to deny everything she was feeling and just have him back or have him gone completely. It was the limbo that was tearing her apart. It would have been easier if he’d just broken up with her, but their relationship had never been that easy. They’d always agreed they’d met for a reason, that there was some greater purpose for why they were together and what they were meant to do. David had told her over and over that she made him a better person, but this was how she was repaid for it? She had to spend fuck-knows-how-long in turmoil while he’d just vanished? She didn’t care that the experience might make her a stronger person - she’d been strong enough before. Which was why all these crushing emotions she felt because of him made her feel so much worse. She’d prided herself on being strong and independent and not needing a man in her life, until David. David had changed everything, but for the better. She could still be strong and independent and fierce, and he’d loved her more for it. But he’d brought her to her knees, and she wasn’t sure she could get up without him.
“You just need more time,” Emadou replied quietly, cautiously taking her sister’s hand again. “It’ll get easier, but I don’t think you were ready tonight.”
She nodded slowly, squeezing her sister’s hand, grateful for the simple concession.
After a few moments, when Louna didn’t say anything more, Emadou put the car into gear and pulled away from the curb, thankful for a quick drive back to Louna’s.
Once back home, she offered a half-hearted wave goodbye to Emadou before she stepped inside her house and closed the door, Yuki greeting her with a wagging tail and happy circles, his nails clicking and tapping as he pranced on the wood floor. She smiled and bent down to nuzzle his head, kneading her fingers into his ruff for a brief reprieve. It was the love she needed right then and it was comforting to know that it wouldn’t leave as easily as David’s had. She stood up reluctantly, knowing Yuki was raring to go outside for a spell - he’d been cooped up inside almost all day. She promised they’d go on a long walk together the next day, before her ride with Jeff, because she wasn’t sure how long the ride would take. She let Yuki into the back yard, watching for a moment as he bounded out to the fence, then raced beneath the bushes beside it - his usual route. She closed the screen door since it was a warm enough night, then went back through the living room, heading to her bedroom to change into pajamas. However, she stalled beside the couch, her eye catching on David’s guitar. Before she could stop herself, her hands had grabbed the instrument and she was through her front door. The rage had broken the dam.
How?
How could he have done this to her?
Didn’t he know what they had? How much she loved him? What she had to put up with every time he was gone?
It didn’t matter that he thought he had to do this all alone - she should have been with him. They’d shared practically everything for four years and now he’d simply disappeared. Did he realize how selfish that was? The hell she was living through while he was… where?! Where the fuck was he?!
The last sign of his existence had been the update after he’d left Vancouver and since then there had been nothing. NOTHING. How did he expect her to hold out hope for them when he couldn’t even give her a sign? Anything?! She would take anything. Some small signal that this was the right thing to do - that she was supposed to wait for him. Because how could she keep waiting for him when she had no fucking idea when he might be back? It had already been two months.
Two. Miserable. Months.
How could she make it through two more? Four more? What if six months turned into a year? Two years?
Fuck.
Fuck no!
She couldn’t do it - she was strong, but she wasn’t that strong. She needed David - needed him to come back if she was ever going to be that strong again. But how long could she wait? How long could she survive the torture of this in-between state? She was so torn already… Every fucking day it felt like her heart ripped a little, tiny bit more, and she knew that couldn’t keep up forever. One day it would tear beyond repair and she didn’t want to see that day. She wanted to make a choice, because at least once she’d made a choice she could maybe begin to move on and be able to answer all those fucking questions everyone had. Because every. Single. Person. Had a question for her and she was so, so sick of it. She didn’t have the answers - he’d left her just as in the dark as anyone else, despite the letter.
Fuck that letter. Fuck the ring!
The ring was burning through her conscience like a red hot coal and it terrified her that someone would find out about it - and ask more questions. Fuck. That. She was done. The anger took over completely, blinding her to rational thought as she pleaded with the universe for a sign. An airplane, a shooting star, a burning bush - anything! There had to be something!
A howl ripped through the air, splitting the silence of the street and yanking Louna back to her senses. Her breath was labored as Yuki continued to yowl in the backyard and her fist closed around something thick in her hand, but the memories came too fast. All at once she was back in California with David, a perfect sunny day of riding motorcycles and visiting a wolf sanctuary together. The animals had been amazing - a once in a lifetime experience that they’d shared together. By the time they’d left, the sanctuary owner was convinced that one of the wolves had bonded with David and she insisted he come back for frequent trips. Louna had believed it, because she’d seen it in how the wolf’s gaze never strayed from David. It had been incredible to witness the animal’s transformation - meeting them warily at first, then howling as David had walked through the gates to leave. She could still hear the desperation in the wolf’s cry, and suddenly she understood it in a way she never had. The pain - the absolute heartbreak in the sound was haunting, and she knew the horribly dark place from where it came.
Yuki’s howl echoed in the night and the neck of the guitar fell from her hand, clattering to the driveway amongst the shattered ruins of David’s guitar. She slumped against the side of her car, staring at the splintered pieces in front of her; what had she done? In her rage she had destroyed one of the only things of David’s she had truly cared about - and there was no coming back from this. The guitar was piecemeal - scattered over the pavement as wooden confetti. In the backyard, Yuki had finally gone quiet, but the damage was done.
Defeated tears came next, slipping silently down her face as she stared at the wreckage. She had let her anger drive her to this destruction, and for what? She hadn’t gained a thing; only lost one of the treasures they had both loved. Was their relationship as wrecked as the guitar around her? Was this her subconscious way of letting go? It wasn’t just the guitar tying her to David, it was the memories too. The howl echoed through her and she shivered, but not because of the cold. Why that memory? Why that moment? What was the universe trying to tell her? Or was it trying to tell her anything at all? Maybe she was just looking for answers when there weren’t any to find - she just had a broken relationship, a broken guitar, and a broken heart. Maybe that was it.
She took a soft breath, staring into the night sky as her tears subsided. Somehow, beneath the cover of darkness, it wasn’t that had to believe that maybe those things really were all she had, no matter how much she wanted to believe otherwise. Her next breath was long and slow - coming to terms with the mess around her. She may have wanted to blame David for this disaster, but the shards of wood strewn before her were all her fault. He may have been the cause of her rage, but her hands had done the damage. She took one last steadying breath, then stood up from the ground. As she surveyed the mess she had to clean up, her eye caught on something bright in the wreckage - something that was definitely neither wood nor plastic. Carefully, she stepped closer, her heart starting to beat faster. She stooped to pick up the thing - a fluorescent yellow sticky note, still clinging to a sliver of wood. The paper was wrinkled, but intact. Her breath caught at the familiar, black sharpie scrawl. Where the hell had this come from? She turned the note in her hands so she could read it right side up.
19-2-17 / EB Slinky / Cobain’s birthday / Bought L’s gift: charm bracelet, wolf. Still no idea for E. / Next show: Toronto / NP: J Bay
She stared at the words, only able to decipher half of the note. The first was the date, of course, but she didn’t quite understand the second phrase. The next few things were self-explanatory, but the last part puzzled her too. She blinked hard, trying to force herself to break David’s code, but she couldn’t get past not knowing where this sticky note had come from. It hadn’t been with the guitar - she was certain. She had picked it up and put it in the soft case last month, hiding it away in the closet for a few weeks until the living room seemed empty without it. She’d put it back on its stand in the corner, but she was positive there had been no note on it anywhere.
She blinked again - no, there wasn’t a note on it. The note had been in it. And at once she knew what the second notation was - the brand of strings he’d put on the guitar, and the date he’d changed them. He’d left the same types of notes stuck to the inside of his bass cases and sometimes when he got back from a longer tour he would go back through them - piecing together the random events or things he’d written about. Sometimes the notes were significant, but mostly they were quick snapshots of the moment: what he was thinking about, the beverage he was drinking, the album he’d been listening to…
She looked at the note again, finally deciphering the last piece there. NP meant ‘now playing’ and the artist’s name. She instantly recalled the album; one that had come out two years before, but David had rekindled his romance with in anticipation of the new record from the hyped blues guitarist from England. When had she even last thought about that album? Let alone heard it? She strained to make it come alive in her ears as she stood there in her driveway, and the answer crushed her as though she was the Wicked Witch and it was the flying house, straight out of Kansas.
David had played this album the last night they’d been together at his house - the mellow blues floating through the living room and into the kitchen where they stood together, drinking wine and watching the sunset out the garden window. The lyrics tore through her like shrapnel, and were the sign she had asked for: We live through scars this time / but I’ve made up my mind / we can’t leave us behind anymore… / We’ll have to hurt for now / but next time there’s no doubt / Cause I can’t go without you anymore //
She clenched the note between her fingers, suddenly desperate to hear the song; the guitar carnage could wait until morning. She spun from the driveway and was back through her front door in seconds, going to the living room and grabbing her laptop from the small desk. She opened the music application and typed in the name, scanning the list of songs that came up. She moved the cursor to click on one title, but the track at the bottom of the list gave her pause. The song title was the same, but noted ‘James Bay - Cover’ next to it, and the artist listing had been left blank. Her hand trembled. She had dozens of these uncredited tracks in her music library - all covers recorded and uploaded for her - little musical treasures David liked to impart when she didn’t expect them. She stared at the title, then looked to the play count. The listing was blank. She had never listened to the track, which was peculiar since she always listened to the songs David gave her. There had to be a reason she had never heard this one track - she had stopped listening to his music when he left, so that meant he’d uploaded it for her close to when he’d gone.
How close?
She clicked the track once and held down the key, bringing up the options menu. She chose the info option and looked at the summery. The ‘last played’ was unavailable, but she only wanted to see one thing about the file: the date modified.
Air rushed out of her lungs as she looked at the listed date. April 15th - the day he’d left.
She stared at the box on the screen, wondering if he had left her any other songs that day, because if there was one, that usually meant there had been more. She closed the box and typed ‘cover’ into the search, sorting by the play count. Her heart tripped over itself as four more songs came up with zero plays. She stared at the titles, trying to make some sense of them, but she knew there was only one way she could actually begin to understand why David had left her these songs the day he’d disappeared. She had to listen to them. This was her sign. She had found these songs when she’d been about to give up hope on him - they were there for a reason.
She looked over the titles again, noticing that all the songs were from acoustic, singer-songwriter artists, and she knew her heart was in for a rollercoaster.
Scars. Anchored in You. Take Care. Lucky Now. I’ll Back You Up.
David had known how to give her solace after he’d left, aside from the letter, but now she wasn’t sure that she was ready for it. She walked away from the computer, going to let Yuki inside and pour herself a glass of water. She didn’t need any more alcohol tonight, because it would only make her emotions run higher than they already were. She took the glass back to the living room and looked at the track listing again. Was she ready to hear his voice again? It felt like ages since she’d heard him sing anything and now her ears craved it. She needed this connection to him, grateful he had given her something more to listen to instead of erasing himself from the music library.
She inhaled slowly, wondering what order they were meant to be played in, then decided it didn’t matter. She had to listen to them all anyway. Without another moment’s hesitation she double clicked on the first track and let the music pour over her, knowing she would have her decision by the time the new tracks finished, and somehow she knew that had probably been David’s intention all along.
Writer: Ally (wasted_rawkstar)
Fandom: Simple Plan
Rating: R
Summary: After a disastrous fifth album release, the future of Simple Plan is uncertain. With a growing rift between the members, and different passions pulling them in different directions, no one's sure how they'll reconcile the band. So one member takes things into his own hands and makes the only decision he can, putting his relationship and friendships in jeopardy. But will it pay off in the end? It's the gamble he's willing to take.
Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
The din of the party was cheerful, a bright, melodic pop anthem coming from the speakers on one side of the rooftop, and the sunset streaking the sky a hazy orange and gold. Louna hung near a group of casual acquaintances, a watchful eye on her sister who chatted with a friend near the door, and also tracking her friend Thalia, who was with another small group near the makeshift bar. She took a drink of the icy peach sangria, only half paying attention to the conversation around her. She would much rather have stayed in at home that Saturday night, but both Emadou and Thalia insisted she come out to the rooftop party since she’d already missed the season kick-off and this was the official summer solstice party. Begrudgingly, she’d come along, knowing that she would have to return to all her social obligations at some point. She couldn’t hide behind her work and hole up at home forever; that wasn’t what David would’ve wanted. He’d been the reigning king of impromptu nights out and parties and shows, which suited her just fine if they were together. She’d always been game to go with him to whatever concert he had tickets to, or was on the guest list for, so it hadn’t been a surprise when a promoter at one of the venues called her out of the blue, asking if she wanted on the list or some upcoming shows. David had always made sure to put her name own as his ‘plus one’ and the venue workers had gotten to know them well. Louna had declined the offer, but thanked the woman for calling her. It was a weird feeling of sadness that came over her after the phone call - like she’d given up another piece of David she was still holding onto. She wasn’t sure how much she could give up and still feel connected to him. Since he was gone she’d given up his house, their motorcycle trips, the shows, the crazy parties with all the musicians and bands coming through town, and most of the friends she knew because of those parties and shows. She had gone from being a social queen to a reclusive shut-in within a week of his departure, and now Emadou and Thalia were trying to pry her out of the cocoon she’d built. She couldn’t imagine emerging from this any better than she’d gone in. Her wings would be deformed, or maybe not even there. The caterpillar wasn’t going to turn into a butterfly - just an ugly, broken moth, fighting to fly into whatever open flame would welcome it and incinerate it completely.
She blinked hard, pushing the dark thoughts from her head and taking another sip of the beverage. The sangria was a touch too sweet, but she had no interest in drinking hard alcohol because she knew how that night could end. She didn’t want to be wrecked the next day, mostly because she and Jeff had plans to go on a spin around Mount Tremblant, and she’d been looking forward to it. They had found an easy friendship with one another in David’s absence - going on motorcycle rides and meeting for the occasional beer. Jeff had even, like David suggested, invited her to a couple restaurants to test the new vegan offerings. She was grateful, and it made for a good distraction when she was overcome with the David-shaped vacancy in her life. She hadn’t realized just how dependent she had become on him, until he was no longer there. And it wasn’t fair. She missed him terribly most days, and it was all she could do to stop herself emailing him about every mundane thing. He had left for a reason, and she needed to give him space to work through that. She just hoped he would work quickly and come back soon, because the two months she’d endured already had been quite long enough, and she wasn’t sure how much longer she could take.
“Isn’t that right, Louna?”
She looked up instantly, caught off-guard with the woman addressing her directly, and cursing herself for not paying more attention. She offered an uneasy smile. “Um, sorry,” she said, “I didn’t catch the question… the sunset…” She gestured to the view behind the woman, thankful everyone turned to look at the sky for a minute. She drank half of what was left in her glass in a few large swallows before the attention returned to the group.
“Oh, I was just saying it’s so hard to move on from long term relationships… I can only imagine what it must be like for you, since David…”
The woman trailed off and Louna fought to keep her gaze neutral. Yes, she’d been a wreck since David had left, but she didn’t really have plans to move on, especially since David expected her to wait for him. The hardest part of his absence had been coming to terms with that secret, well, that and the nasty shit-talking everyone did behind her back when they thought she wasn’t listening. They thought she didn’t hear the way they criticized the band, and the way the guys had split, and how rotten David was for just up and leaving, but she heard it all. The worst was agreeing with half of it and not being able to acknowledge it. She had to be stoic in public these days, otherwise the cracks she felt all through her would start to show, and she didn’t want anyone to see them. So she lied, and put up a façade, and faked her way through it all, just like she’d seen David do it for all those years. But what he’d asked her to do for him… rather, the question he hadn’t asked… that was what would do her in. Emadou was the only person who knew about the ring David had left for her, and she was keeping it that way. Though she wasn’t wearing the ring, she hadn’t outwardly rejected David either. For now, she was stuck in an awkward limbo of waiting, but she would never give anyone the satisfaction of knowing that.
She took a slow breath, leveling her eyes at the woman across from her. “You know, just because David’s gone, doesn’t mean we’ve actually broken up,” she replied.
“Oh… I just assumed-”
“And your assumption was wrong,” she said, not letting the woman finish, then offering a flippant smile. “Really this hasn’t been any different than him being gone on tour… maybe a few less texts.”
Quiet laughter rippled around the group and a blush started to color the woman’s cheeks.
“And if you care to recall it, my relationship with David was always rather private, and I would appreciate it if you could still respect that.”
The woman’s eyes flickered with hints of anger; clearly she had thought this conversation was going to go a different way. “But David’s gone, so why does it matter?” Her tone was haughty.
Louna clenched her fingers around the cold glass in her hand. “It matters because I’m still here, and David’s had enough of his so-called friends violate his privacy already. I’m not going to stand by and listen to someone tell me my relationship is over just because my boyfriend made a decision to leave for awhile and get his life back in order. I’ve spent the last two months trying to piece together what went wrong for him and finally decided that I couldn’t live my life like that… David will be back when he’s back, and if we can still be together after that happens, then so be it. I did not come here tonight to be a spectacle and to have my relationship picked apart by hungry vultures. I came to be with my friends and to get my mind off all this for a little while, but clearly that isn’t going to happen. Thanks so much for bringing it up.” She leveled her gaze at the woman, eyes dark and hard. “I really appreciate it.” She held the stare for a moment longer then turned away from the group, slipping past the crowd of people, who had gone curiously quiet, and joined Thalia at the bar. Her friend’s eyes were wide and nervous.
“Are you okay?” she asked, trying to keep her voice below the din of the music.
Louna set her glass aside and shook her head. “No,” she replied easily. “I’m going to go.”
Thalia frowned. “Please don’t? I wanted you to have a good time.”
“It was a valient effort,” she said. “I just don’t think I’m ready for this… especially when all anyone wants to talk about is David, and I don’t have any answers for them.”
Thalia still looked disconcerted and took in a breath to reply, but Emadou came to stand beside her sister.
“Lou?” her voice was soft.
Louna met her sister’s gaze, but shook her head. “I need to go.”
She nodded. “It’s okay, I’ll take you home… can you cab it?” she asked Thalia.
Thalia nodded, pressing her lips together in a grimace. “I’m sorry,” she said, looking at Louna hopefully.
She dismissed the apology with a short shrug; it had been too soon to do this. Now she knew she needed more time to process what had happened with David, and to plan how she reacted in these situations. It hadn’t been Thalia’s fault, or Em’s fault, or even her own fault. People were nosy - she knew that, but she hadn’t expected to talk about David tonight. She had truly wanted to come and try to have a good time, but their friends had to learn her boundaries first, and respect her privacy and not make gross assumptions. Somehow she knew that it would take a long time for all those things to fall into place, and she was willing to wait and work for it, but the wound was still too fresh to face right now. She still had to let herself heal, and little by little that was happening. She just still had a long way to go.
“Come on…” Emadou directed her sister, reaching to take her hand and lead her out of the party.
She followed aimlessly, staring at the bright purple heels Em wore and wondering when she’d bought them. Had it been in the past few weeks? It seemed like all her days had started to blur together and even though she’d seen Em every week since David had left she suddenly couldn’t recall any of their conversations. It felt like her head simply wasn’t there. She was there, seeing and hearing everything, but none of it was digesting in her head. What the fuck was going on?
She kept her head down and didn’t look up until they reached the elevator, because in the pit of her stomach she could feel the emotions that wanted to boil over. All the anger she’d been pushing aside was threatening, and she didn’t know why.
Why was she so angry? Why couldn’t she hear David’s name without wanting to hurl something at the nearest wall? Why did it still hurt so much?
“Louna…” Emadou whispered her name, not sure what spell her sister had fallen under as they stood waiting for the lift. She inhaled in surprise as Louna’s grip on her hand suddenly became fierce - almost painful. She could see Louna’s expression change after a moment, emotions racing through her eyes. The vacant look of loss and hurt was replaced with determination and rage. She knew then what was coming, but she didn’t know how to stop it. The train was going to derail and the only thing she could do was clean up the aftermath, and that was only if she didn’t get taken out in the collision.
Louna closed her eyes, her hand tight on Emadou’s grasp as she took a slow, deep breath. The anger pulsed through her, fast and hot and it was all she could do to not turn on her sister. Her sister - her twin - had nothing to do with this, she told herself. She couldn’t unleash that rage on Em, because there was absolutely nothing fair about that. Emadou had been nothing but patient, and kind, and understanding through all of this, and she couldn’t push away or alienate the person who was helping her maintain the last of her sanity. She had to fight to stay in control; god she couldn’t fucking lose it. Not here. Not now.
She took another breath, grateful to hear the ding of the elevator. She opened her eyes and followed Em inside, her grip still fierce on her twin’s hand. They stayed silent on the ride down, Em’s eyes questioning her the entire way. It wasn’t until they exited the building and reached the car that Louna finally let go of their handhold. She had stifled the rage - depriving it of fuel so it couldn’t spread and demolish everything in its path. It had been quelled for the time being, but Louna had no idea how long that would last. She knew those emotions would demand her attention again and it would be harder to deny them next time.
She sank into the passenger’s seat, a wave of exhaustion washing over her, followed with a sudden sadness. She stared out at the darkened sky as Emadou slid into the driver’s seat and started the car, still offering no words of consolation. Louna’s eyes caught on the moon, a waning sliver of light against the black shroud of night.
“How could he do this?” she asked, even though it was probably the millionth time she’d asked it. “And why the fuck do I still feel like this?” The sadness choked her words and she closed her eyes to hold the tears back. Two months and she was still a total wreck because of David; that asshole. She wanted to go back to being numb about what happened. She wanted to deny everything she was feeling and just have him back or have him gone completely. It was the limbo that was tearing her apart. It would have been easier if he’d just broken up with her, but their relationship had never been that easy. They’d always agreed they’d met for a reason, that there was some greater purpose for why they were together and what they were meant to do. David had told her over and over that she made him a better person, but this was how she was repaid for it? She had to spend fuck-knows-how-long in turmoil while he’d just vanished? She didn’t care that the experience might make her a stronger person - she’d been strong enough before. Which was why all these crushing emotions she felt because of him made her feel so much worse. She’d prided herself on being strong and independent and not needing a man in her life, until David. David had changed everything, but for the better. She could still be strong and independent and fierce, and he’d loved her more for it. But he’d brought her to her knees, and she wasn’t sure she could get up without him.
“You just need more time,” Emadou replied quietly, cautiously taking her sister’s hand again. “It’ll get easier, but I don’t think you were ready tonight.”
She nodded slowly, squeezing her sister’s hand, grateful for the simple concession.
After a few moments, when Louna didn’t say anything more, Emadou put the car into gear and pulled away from the curb, thankful for a quick drive back to Louna’s.
Once back home, she offered a half-hearted wave goodbye to Emadou before she stepped inside her house and closed the door, Yuki greeting her with a wagging tail and happy circles, his nails clicking and tapping as he pranced on the wood floor. She smiled and bent down to nuzzle his head, kneading her fingers into his ruff for a brief reprieve. It was the love she needed right then and it was comforting to know that it wouldn’t leave as easily as David’s had. She stood up reluctantly, knowing Yuki was raring to go outside for a spell - he’d been cooped up inside almost all day. She promised they’d go on a long walk together the next day, before her ride with Jeff, because she wasn’t sure how long the ride would take. She let Yuki into the back yard, watching for a moment as he bounded out to the fence, then raced beneath the bushes beside it - his usual route. She closed the screen door since it was a warm enough night, then went back through the living room, heading to her bedroom to change into pajamas. However, she stalled beside the couch, her eye catching on David’s guitar. Before she could stop herself, her hands had grabbed the instrument and she was through her front door. The rage had broken the dam.
How?
How could he have done this to her?
Didn’t he know what they had? How much she loved him? What she had to put up with every time he was gone?
It didn’t matter that he thought he had to do this all alone - she should have been with him. They’d shared practically everything for four years and now he’d simply disappeared. Did he realize how selfish that was? The hell she was living through while he was… where?! Where the fuck was he?!
The last sign of his existence had been the update after he’d left Vancouver and since then there had been nothing. NOTHING. How did he expect her to hold out hope for them when he couldn’t even give her a sign? Anything?! She would take anything. Some small signal that this was the right thing to do - that she was supposed to wait for him. Because how could she keep waiting for him when she had no fucking idea when he might be back? It had already been two months.
Two. Miserable. Months.
How could she make it through two more? Four more? What if six months turned into a year? Two years?
Fuck.
Fuck no!
She couldn’t do it - she was strong, but she wasn’t that strong. She needed David - needed him to come back if she was ever going to be that strong again. But how long could she wait? How long could she survive the torture of this in-between state? She was so torn already… Every fucking day it felt like her heart ripped a little, tiny bit more, and she knew that couldn’t keep up forever. One day it would tear beyond repair and she didn’t want to see that day. She wanted to make a choice, because at least once she’d made a choice she could maybe begin to move on and be able to answer all those fucking questions everyone had. Because every. Single. Person. Had a question for her and she was so, so sick of it. She didn’t have the answers - he’d left her just as in the dark as anyone else, despite the letter.
Fuck that letter. Fuck the ring!
The ring was burning through her conscience like a red hot coal and it terrified her that someone would find out about it - and ask more questions. Fuck. That. She was done. The anger took over completely, blinding her to rational thought as she pleaded with the universe for a sign. An airplane, a shooting star, a burning bush - anything! There had to be something!
A howl ripped through the air, splitting the silence of the street and yanking Louna back to her senses. Her breath was labored as Yuki continued to yowl in the backyard and her fist closed around something thick in her hand, but the memories came too fast. All at once she was back in California with David, a perfect sunny day of riding motorcycles and visiting a wolf sanctuary together. The animals had been amazing - a once in a lifetime experience that they’d shared together. By the time they’d left, the sanctuary owner was convinced that one of the wolves had bonded with David and she insisted he come back for frequent trips. Louna had believed it, because she’d seen it in how the wolf’s gaze never strayed from David. It had been incredible to witness the animal’s transformation - meeting them warily at first, then howling as David had walked through the gates to leave. She could still hear the desperation in the wolf’s cry, and suddenly she understood it in a way she never had. The pain - the absolute heartbreak in the sound was haunting, and she knew the horribly dark place from where it came.
Yuki’s howl echoed in the night and the neck of the guitar fell from her hand, clattering to the driveway amongst the shattered ruins of David’s guitar. She slumped against the side of her car, staring at the splintered pieces in front of her; what had she done? In her rage she had destroyed one of the only things of David’s she had truly cared about - and there was no coming back from this. The guitar was piecemeal - scattered over the pavement as wooden confetti. In the backyard, Yuki had finally gone quiet, but the damage was done.
Defeated tears came next, slipping silently down her face as she stared at the wreckage. She had let her anger drive her to this destruction, and for what? She hadn’t gained a thing; only lost one of the treasures they had both loved. Was their relationship as wrecked as the guitar around her? Was this her subconscious way of letting go? It wasn’t just the guitar tying her to David, it was the memories too. The howl echoed through her and she shivered, but not because of the cold. Why that memory? Why that moment? What was the universe trying to tell her? Or was it trying to tell her anything at all? Maybe she was just looking for answers when there weren’t any to find - she just had a broken relationship, a broken guitar, and a broken heart. Maybe that was it.
She took a soft breath, staring into the night sky as her tears subsided. Somehow, beneath the cover of darkness, it wasn’t that had to believe that maybe those things really were all she had, no matter how much she wanted to believe otherwise. Her next breath was long and slow - coming to terms with the mess around her. She may have wanted to blame David for this disaster, but the shards of wood strewn before her were all her fault. He may have been the cause of her rage, but her hands had done the damage. She took one last steadying breath, then stood up from the ground. As she surveyed the mess she had to clean up, her eye caught on something bright in the wreckage - something that was definitely neither wood nor plastic. Carefully, she stepped closer, her heart starting to beat faster. She stooped to pick up the thing - a fluorescent yellow sticky note, still clinging to a sliver of wood. The paper was wrinkled, but intact. Her breath caught at the familiar, black sharpie scrawl. Where the hell had this come from? She turned the note in her hands so she could read it right side up.
19-2-17 / EB Slinky / Cobain’s birthday / Bought L’s gift: charm bracelet, wolf. Still no idea for E. / Next show: Toronto / NP: J Bay
She stared at the words, only able to decipher half of the note. The first was the date, of course, but she didn’t quite understand the second phrase. The next few things were self-explanatory, but the last part puzzled her too. She blinked hard, trying to force herself to break David’s code, but she couldn’t get past not knowing where this sticky note had come from. It hadn’t been with the guitar - she was certain. She had picked it up and put it in the soft case last month, hiding it away in the closet for a few weeks until the living room seemed empty without it. She’d put it back on its stand in the corner, but she was positive there had been no note on it anywhere.
She blinked again - no, there wasn’t a note on it. The note had been in it. And at once she knew what the second notation was - the brand of strings he’d put on the guitar, and the date he’d changed them. He’d left the same types of notes stuck to the inside of his bass cases and sometimes when he got back from a longer tour he would go back through them - piecing together the random events or things he’d written about. Sometimes the notes were significant, but mostly they were quick snapshots of the moment: what he was thinking about, the beverage he was drinking, the album he’d been listening to…
She looked at the note again, finally deciphering the last piece there. NP meant ‘now playing’ and the artist’s name. She instantly recalled the album; one that had come out two years before, but David had rekindled his romance with in anticipation of the new record from the hyped blues guitarist from England. When had she even last thought about that album? Let alone heard it? She strained to make it come alive in her ears as she stood there in her driveway, and the answer crushed her as though she was the Wicked Witch and it was the flying house, straight out of Kansas.
David had played this album the last night they’d been together at his house - the mellow blues floating through the living room and into the kitchen where they stood together, drinking wine and watching the sunset out the garden window. The lyrics tore through her like shrapnel, and were the sign she had asked for: We live through scars this time / but I’ve made up my mind / we can’t leave us behind anymore… / We’ll have to hurt for now / but next time there’s no doubt / Cause I can’t go without you anymore //
She clenched the note between her fingers, suddenly desperate to hear the song; the guitar carnage could wait until morning. She spun from the driveway and was back through her front door in seconds, going to the living room and grabbing her laptop from the small desk. She opened the music application and typed in the name, scanning the list of songs that came up. She moved the cursor to click on one title, but the track at the bottom of the list gave her pause. The song title was the same, but noted ‘James Bay - Cover’ next to it, and the artist listing had been left blank. Her hand trembled. She had dozens of these uncredited tracks in her music library - all covers recorded and uploaded for her - little musical treasures David liked to impart when she didn’t expect them. She stared at the title, then looked to the play count. The listing was blank. She had never listened to the track, which was peculiar since she always listened to the songs David gave her. There had to be a reason she had never heard this one track - she had stopped listening to his music when he left, so that meant he’d uploaded it for her close to when he’d gone.
How close?
She clicked the track once and held down the key, bringing up the options menu. She chose the info option and looked at the summery. The ‘last played’ was unavailable, but she only wanted to see one thing about the file: the date modified.
Air rushed out of her lungs as she looked at the listed date. April 15th - the day he’d left.
She stared at the box on the screen, wondering if he had left her any other songs that day, because if there was one, that usually meant there had been more. She closed the box and typed ‘cover’ into the search, sorting by the play count. Her heart tripped over itself as four more songs came up with zero plays. She stared at the titles, trying to make some sense of them, but she knew there was only one way she could actually begin to understand why David had left her these songs the day he’d disappeared. She had to listen to them. This was her sign. She had found these songs when she’d been about to give up hope on him - they were there for a reason.
She looked over the titles again, noticing that all the songs were from acoustic, singer-songwriter artists, and she knew her heart was in for a rollercoaster.
Scars. Anchored in You. Take Care. Lucky Now. I’ll Back You Up.
David had known how to give her solace after he’d left, aside from the letter, but now she wasn’t sure that she was ready for it. She walked away from the computer, going to let Yuki inside and pour herself a glass of water. She didn’t need any more alcohol tonight, because it would only make her emotions run higher than they already were. She took the glass back to the living room and looked at the track listing again. Was she ready to hear his voice again? It felt like ages since she’d heard him sing anything and now her ears craved it. She needed this connection to him, grateful he had given her something more to listen to instead of erasing himself from the music library.
She inhaled slowly, wondering what order they were meant to be played in, then decided it didn’t matter. She had to listen to them all anyway. Without another moment’s hesitation she double clicked on the first track and let the music pour over her, knowing she would have her decision by the time the new tracks finished, and somehow she knew that had probably been David’s intention all along.