No one will ever read this but...
So it's about 3am and I have yet to go to sleep. Even though I have to get up for work at 8:15. There's been a voice in the back of my mind all night telling me to wake up in the morning, call in with some lame excuse, and go back to sleep.
I have no reason what so ever to call in. Working 8 1/2 hours tomorrow is not going to kill me. Most people my age are able to function as adults and contribute to society, but I'm about to start my 4th day working in a row (out of 6) and I freak out and just want to curl up in my covers all day tomorrow and pretend I don't have anything to worry about.
And truthfully....I have absolutely nothing to worry about. I have zero responsibilities. All I do is go into work a couple days a week, come back to my dirty apartment and sit on the computer while my dogs lick my feet.
But fuck me if I have to actually get up when the clock still says "AM" more than 3 days a week.
I think it's because I've been working at my job for 4 months now and really have been unable to make friends with anybody I work with, but I see that everyone else has been able to. I think this has solidified my...fears...suspicions...that I have no social skills and am unable to make friends with people. That's probably why I have 5 people I could call my friends, and only 2 of them that I talk to at any regular basis. And then when they do something that doesn't mesh in my weird, fucked up version of how the world is supposed to work I get all pissed off and don't want to talk to anyone. I would rather just revert into the world I have in my head. Because there I can be the version of myself that I want to be. There I'm not an overweight life-fail who has lots and lots of friends (even a boyfriend, shocker). I can have success and talent anything else that I want but am too lazy/unable to get in the real world.
And then I think that there is probably something wrong with me brain wise/socially or WHATEVER, but I don't want to talk to anyone about it because what if I'm wrong and just overexaggerating? And then I will look like an idiot and just drown in my embarrassment and humiliation.
And my friend called me like 45 minutes ago because I had a semi meltdown on facebook and she was trying to help me, but I don't really want to share my problems with anyone because what's that going to do? Platitudes and empty words of encouragement aren't going to get me anywhere. I know she means well, but I just can't take it. It also doesn't help that she owes me over $100, but I don't think I'm ever going to see it. And then I see her buying something, or wanting to go see a movie and all I can think about is the money she owes me but I don't want to bring it up and sound like a bitch. And she complains about not having any money but she is apparently incapable of saving any money.
God, I hope she never finds this.
And now I'm just saying nonsense and typing anything that pops into my brain. I think I'm now just forcing myself to stay awake because maybe then I'll just sleep through work and not have to go at all.
I'm getting angry at myself for not wanting to go to work. Why do I have such trouble being responsbile? It's not like 6 billion other people have the same problem. I'm 24 years old and I haven't even graduated college yet....and I'm still working part time as a cashier. Seriously? That's super pathetic.
I think a good percent of my brain has decided to call in because all I can think about is "What is the best excuse I can think of that doesn't envolve me being sick?"
I think I just needed to type this out because it's kind of been like talking to someone, but no one is talking back so it doesn't feel super akward and embarrassing.