Depression
Depression robs you of words and instead replaces them with feelings that override everything, you could be looking at the most thought provoking image and instead all you can see is grey. The most wonderful amazing music and all you hear is noise.
Depression has robbed me of happiness, it's robbed me of feeling anything but utter misery every day. I try to wear a smile to fight it, somedays this helps me forget how I'm feeling and I can almost make it a full day before remembering that instead when it comes off, underneath is just a feeling of utter distress and misery.
I'm seeking help with the Crisis Mental Health team along with my GP and the support the Complex Needs team can offer me along with the bravery of my partner Tungro/Thomas, but there are days when even this gets far, far too much for me.
On Friday last week after what I had thought was a terrible day at work and left to pick up food items for a meal before heading to see friends in Leeds for a nice short break. In doing so I found myself just becoming worse, everything was just grey, there was nothing but it and misery as I shopped and walked. I can't even recall faces/sounds/smells of what happened as I walked from there to the station. I recall asking Thomas to come get me as I didn't want to be alone while I was like this, I know how I've become before and I know if I'm with someone I know I can feel safer.
What I recall clearly next still sits raw inside me, I stood at the edge of the platform of the station I was now waiting in for Thomas and was ready to step onto the tracks into the oncoming path of the next train as it approached.
I got lucky, a stranger grabbed my collar and pulled me back from the edge, stared me in the eye before I bolted away from the station. From here I saw my GP at the start of the next week, had a fast tracked appointment with the above teams and discussed my options with them, determining that my present medication is not what I need while I wait for a therapist. I'm waiting to hear back if this and another medication will interact before starting it.
I would be lying to say that I have a handle on this, I don't, really I don't. I struggle better some days than others. The constant crushing feeling is there and I just want it to stop. Stop so I can enjoy myself again, stop so I can love my partner and my friends as I once died. I want to be able to enjoy myself without it feeling constantly tempered by this damned feeling of sadness and misery.
I just want to be honest about this rather than hold it inside like I have, because I can't hold inside how I feel anymore and it spills out when I'm at my limit.
If you have issues related to your mental well being, speak to someone professionally and to friends, fighting it alone is not something anyone should do and you ARE important.
Depression has robbed me of happiness, it's robbed me of feeling anything but utter misery every day. I try to wear a smile to fight it, somedays this helps me forget how I'm feeling and I can almost make it a full day before remembering that instead when it comes off, underneath is just a feeling of utter distress and misery.
I'm seeking help with the Crisis Mental Health team along with my GP and the support the Complex Needs team can offer me along with the bravery of my partner Tungro/Thomas, but there are days when even this gets far, far too much for me.
On Friday last week after what I had thought was a terrible day at work and left to pick up food items for a meal before heading to see friends in Leeds for a nice short break. In doing so I found myself just becoming worse, everything was just grey, there was nothing but it and misery as I shopped and walked. I can't even recall faces/sounds/smells of what happened as I walked from there to the station. I recall asking Thomas to come get me as I didn't want to be alone while I was like this, I know how I've become before and I know if I'm with someone I know I can feel safer.
What I recall clearly next still sits raw inside me, I stood at the edge of the platform of the station I was now waiting in for Thomas and was ready to step onto the tracks into the oncoming path of the next train as it approached.
I got lucky, a stranger grabbed my collar and pulled me back from the edge, stared me in the eye before I bolted away from the station. From here I saw my GP at the start of the next week, had a fast tracked appointment with the above teams and discussed my options with them, determining that my present medication is not what I need while I wait for a therapist. I'm waiting to hear back if this and another medication will interact before starting it.
I would be lying to say that I have a handle on this, I don't, really I don't. I struggle better some days than others. The constant crushing feeling is there and I just want it to stop. Stop so I can enjoy myself again, stop so I can love my partner and my friends as I once died. I want to be able to enjoy myself without it feeling constantly tempered by this damned feeling of sadness and misery.
I just want to be honest about this rather than hold it inside like I have, because I can't hold inside how I feel anymore and it spills out when I'm at my limit.
If you have issues related to your mental well being, speak to someone professionally and to friends, fighting it alone is not something anyone should do and you ARE important.