(no subject)
in trying to reassess those around me.. with age, the capability of maintaining deeper friendships become impossible. where once friendships were irrational all-acceptance of another person, it all now comes down to being judged. we build barriers, we burn bridges. if you're too open, you're too transparent and therefore you're clingy. the only emotional dependency can be on those who you forge, or wish to forge a relationship with.
and i think that's bullshit.
and this is where i must stop myself and ask, am i myself being hypocritical. in this overabundance of calling it, have i myself lost sense of the ground i'm walking on.
minimal attention span.
i'd like to think that i live life richly. that i live in excess of everything, massive consumption of all that is good in life. when in consideration, all that is good is chemical enhancement to the neuron transmitters in my brain. i drive everything to excess to the point where every sensation is intensified and wired and every synapse is constantly computing the multi-sensory overload.
smoke hard. drink hard. fuck hard. drive hard. work hard. live hard.
with the converge of all these things, one would be bound to crash and burn sooner or later. one would be latent to think that this person is living a life of maya and absent from the real world.
but how far off am i from reality when i could call those who blind themselves with things like their own manipulations for attention that they brand as 'love' [relationship-wise], just as deluded and even more misconstrued than i?
are not the friendships and connections we form with other people just as important in being preserved? can we not cherish them openly and love them just as openly without being labeled and judged a million times over; ie: people-pleasing, clingy, attention-deficit.. etc.
for hands have been slapped for doing so. just for not being like-minded in delusions.
they say these things are of a childish nature.
they say you can't hold hands with your bestfriend for these are childish toys.
they say anything you ask for that would have the possibility of straining an elbow is not for us grown-ups who sit here with our real tea-sets and bottles of rum.
then in essence let me be this child. despite the callings of the incability to be monogomous and faithful to those i love, even though i love more, and am more faithful and truthful to those.
if the process of growing up means conforming to the work around you just in order to survive, then let me live my own perturbed fairy tale. if friendships are formed and preserved just for the benefit of work and maintainance of a functioning society then i would rather not live that lie.
for walking the streets of manila, this is what i learnt. when you spend your days just surviving, just for the next plate on the table, all you could have with you is faith. it is only faith that would keep you going. it is your own dogma that would give you the strength to survive. faith that someday at the end of this road, your kids who have been left on the streets will eventually receive an education and dig themselves out of this place. that one day they'll find a better life. and if not them then maybe their children.
then let me live my own dogma. i won't pretend that i've lived my life on the streets. but maybe we should start acknowledging the fact that our generation suffers the burden of guilt set apon us from our parents. where our freewill is taken for the comforts that they give. and this freewill is something that we're all struggling to reattain.
we are conformed by family and we are conformed by society, and beyond that we are conformed by how history and culture has set us to be.
and if work is the only dogma that is preached by the turning of age, i would rather not rush around that bend.
but even marquis de sade acknowledged that even the most outcast of deranged singularities are privy to the goodwill of the society that surrounds them in order to survive.
and consequences are still consequences.
but end in end.. how will we ever attain our own internal individual freedoms?
and is this something even possible within our lifetimes from all conformation that has been laid down before us?
do i bend or do i burn my own road out of this plastic castle.
and i think that's bullshit.
and this is where i must stop myself and ask, am i myself being hypocritical. in this overabundance of calling it, have i myself lost sense of the ground i'm walking on.
minimal attention span.
i'd like to think that i live life richly. that i live in excess of everything, massive consumption of all that is good in life. when in consideration, all that is good is chemical enhancement to the neuron transmitters in my brain. i drive everything to excess to the point where every sensation is intensified and wired and every synapse is constantly computing the multi-sensory overload.
smoke hard. drink hard. fuck hard. drive hard. work hard. live hard.
with the converge of all these things, one would be bound to crash and burn sooner or later. one would be latent to think that this person is living a life of maya and absent from the real world.
but how far off am i from reality when i could call those who blind themselves with things like their own manipulations for attention that they brand as 'love' [relationship-wise], just as deluded and even more misconstrued than i?
are not the friendships and connections we form with other people just as important in being preserved? can we not cherish them openly and love them just as openly without being labeled and judged a million times over; ie: people-pleasing, clingy, attention-deficit.. etc.
for hands have been slapped for doing so. just for not being like-minded in delusions.
they say these things are of a childish nature.
they say you can't hold hands with your bestfriend for these are childish toys.
they say anything you ask for that would have the possibility of straining an elbow is not for us grown-ups who sit here with our real tea-sets and bottles of rum.
then in essence let me be this child. despite the callings of the incability to be monogomous and faithful to those i love, even though i love more, and am more faithful and truthful to those.
if the process of growing up means conforming to the work around you just in order to survive, then let me live my own perturbed fairy tale. if friendships are formed and preserved just for the benefit of work and maintainance of a functioning society then i would rather not live that lie.
for walking the streets of manila, this is what i learnt. when you spend your days just surviving, just for the next plate on the table, all you could have with you is faith. it is only faith that would keep you going. it is your own dogma that would give you the strength to survive. faith that someday at the end of this road, your kids who have been left on the streets will eventually receive an education and dig themselves out of this place. that one day they'll find a better life. and if not them then maybe their children.
then let me live my own dogma. i won't pretend that i've lived my life on the streets. but maybe we should start acknowledging the fact that our generation suffers the burden of guilt set apon us from our parents. where our freewill is taken for the comforts that they give. and this freewill is something that we're all struggling to reattain.
we are conformed by family and we are conformed by society, and beyond that we are conformed by how history and culture has set us to be.
and if work is the only dogma that is preached by the turning of age, i would rather not rush around that bend.
but even marquis de sade acknowledged that even the most outcast of deranged singularities are privy to the goodwill of the society that surrounds them in order to survive.
and consequences are still consequences.
but end in end.. how will we ever attain our own internal individual freedoms?
and is this something even possible within our lifetimes from all conformation that has been laid down before us?
do i bend or do i burn my own road out of this plastic castle.