The Sun Also Rises.
Imagine, if you will...attending a beautiful wedding with a 2,000 person guest list. Imagine that you are seated in one of the endless rows of polished, wood pews, somewhere near the middle, amidst the splendor, and flower-laden trellises and wainscotting, and goodness is permeating the entire scene like a Dawn dishwashing soap commercial. Imagine further: the bride and groom look magnificent in flowing dress and tails, they are just about to exchange vows , to cherish and to hold...forever and ever and ever....you can hear a pin drop because every eye, ear, and heart is breathless in it's anticipation of the pronouncement of a lifetime....then....you accidentally take a big, loud, bubbling crap in your pants.
Then imagine a scenario far worse than this.
That would be something like the last few weeks.
The day started off, today, like this:
I woke up to make some coffee, and immediately noticed that my left eye was puffed up and sore, and that my throat really hurt. I could barely talk it was so sore.
Turns out that my eye has been hurting lately, so Danielle got this special cream that you apply to the eye before bedtime, to moisten it, so it doesn't have some of the problems that I've been having.
So, last night, I washed my hands carefully in the sink, squirted out a bit of the eye stuff, and carefully dabbed it my eye, and blinked several times to try and apply an even coat of it all over the cornea.
Back to the morning...
I put on a brand new white shirt, ripping it out of the store's plastic, to try and improve my mood somewhat.
I go to the kitchen, I'm making the coffee, my eye is puffed up real nice and pretty red, too, and Danielle says from the bed, "Hey! How's your eye? That stuff REALLY HELPED your EYE, DIDN'T IT?"
I decide not to answer her question, being irratated that my eye is worse than it was before the ointment, and put on a pair of headphones so that I have an excuse that I haven't heard about her concerned query about my eye.
As I'm doing the coffee, I notice our fruit bowl has a bowl of peaches in it.
I had forgotten about those!
I haven't had a peach in a while, I said to myself, at least with everything that's going on right now, at LEAST I'm gonna eat this delicious peach! And I actually got excited and happy about eating the peach, which is strange in and of itself.
So, I go over to the sink, and wash it carefully, still trying to SEE it with my one good eye.
I reach to the right for a paring knife, and I proceed to cut a nice, delicious slice of the peach when, for some reason, the knife goes thru it like it was BUTTER, and cut my hand, but deep, the peach, and the one slice of it, both fall into the only dirty bowl of water there is in either one of the TWO basins of the sink, and splashes a TIDAL WAVE of DIRTY WATER onto the white shirt.
Additionally, the bowl of dirty peach water is gaining a sort-of reddish cast to it, because my hand is literally DRIPPING large amounts of blood into it.
And, though it's muffled thru the earphones, I hear Danielle approach me and say, "Didn't YOU HEAR ME? I SAID HOW IS YOUR EYE?....Oh my GOD what happpened to your HAND? And what the FUCK IS THE MATTER WITH YOUR eye, and isn't that your NEW SHIRT??"
Now, I still have the paring knife closeby, and it's not wise to anger me when I'm already in a bad state, but I quickly dismiss that thought and say, as calmly as I can:
"My hand is fucked up because I couldn't SEE WHAT I WAS DOING because SOMEBODY GAVE ME SOME HELPFUL CREAM TO PUT IN MY EYE!!!"
"Sweetie CALM DOWN. How could the cream make your EYE look like that? And did you just waste the last good PEACH THAT WE HAVE?"
"My eye is like this because my finger probably had something ON IT, when I put that stupid CRAP in my EYE!"
"But your not supposed to do it with your FINGER, silly!"
"Oh, NO? What, then, would you suggest that I use to ADMINISTER THIS PANACEA OF A FUCKING CREAM? EH? WHAT SHOULD I USE....A TONGUE DEPRESSOR....maybe A TINY EYE-SYRINGE from the MEDICINE CABINET???!"
"Oh, so this is my fault?"
"Well somebody brought that EYE TUBE OF SHIT IN HERE, and it wasn't me, was it?"
"OH YOU'RE IMPOSSIBLE!!!!", she says, and storms into the bathroom to take her shower.
I'm just hating it right now.
I really wanted that peach, too.
It's still floating in that goddamned bloody bowl right now.
Then imagine a scenario far worse than this.
That would be something like the last few weeks.
The day started off, today, like this:
I woke up to make some coffee, and immediately noticed that my left eye was puffed up and sore, and that my throat really hurt. I could barely talk it was so sore.
Turns out that my eye has been hurting lately, so Danielle got this special cream that you apply to the eye before bedtime, to moisten it, so it doesn't have some of the problems that I've been having.
So, last night, I washed my hands carefully in the sink, squirted out a bit of the eye stuff, and carefully dabbed it my eye, and blinked several times to try and apply an even coat of it all over the cornea.
Back to the morning...
I put on a brand new white shirt, ripping it out of the store's plastic, to try and improve my mood somewhat.
I go to the kitchen, I'm making the coffee, my eye is puffed up real nice and pretty red, too, and Danielle says from the bed, "Hey! How's your eye? That stuff REALLY HELPED your EYE, DIDN'T IT?"
I decide not to answer her question, being irratated that my eye is worse than it was before the ointment, and put on a pair of headphones so that I have an excuse that I haven't heard about her concerned query about my eye.
As I'm doing the coffee, I notice our fruit bowl has a bowl of peaches in it.
I had forgotten about those!
I haven't had a peach in a while, I said to myself, at least with everything that's going on right now, at LEAST I'm gonna eat this delicious peach! And I actually got excited and happy about eating the peach, which is strange in and of itself.
So, I go over to the sink, and wash it carefully, still trying to SEE it with my one good eye.
I reach to the right for a paring knife, and I proceed to cut a nice, delicious slice of the peach when, for some reason, the knife goes thru it like it was BUTTER, and cut my hand, but deep, the peach, and the one slice of it, both fall into the only dirty bowl of water there is in either one of the TWO basins of the sink, and splashes a TIDAL WAVE of DIRTY WATER onto the white shirt.
Additionally, the bowl of dirty peach water is gaining a sort-of reddish cast to it, because my hand is literally DRIPPING large amounts of blood into it.
And, though it's muffled thru the earphones, I hear Danielle approach me and say, "Didn't YOU HEAR ME? I SAID HOW IS YOUR EYE?....Oh my GOD what happpened to your HAND? And what the FUCK IS THE MATTER WITH YOUR eye, and isn't that your NEW SHIRT??"
Now, I still have the paring knife closeby, and it's not wise to anger me when I'm already in a bad state, but I quickly dismiss that thought and say, as calmly as I can:
"My hand is fucked up because I couldn't SEE WHAT I WAS DOING because SOMEBODY GAVE ME SOME HELPFUL CREAM TO PUT IN MY EYE!!!"
"Sweetie CALM DOWN. How could the cream make your EYE look like that? And did you just waste the last good PEACH THAT WE HAVE?"
"My eye is like this because my finger probably had something ON IT, when I put that stupid CRAP in my EYE!"
"But your not supposed to do it with your FINGER, silly!"
"Oh, NO? What, then, would you suggest that I use to ADMINISTER THIS PANACEA OF A FUCKING CREAM? EH? WHAT SHOULD I USE....A TONGUE DEPRESSOR....maybe A TINY EYE-SYRINGE from the MEDICINE CABINET???!"
"Oh, so this is my fault?"
"Well somebody brought that EYE TUBE OF SHIT IN HERE, and it wasn't me, was it?"
"OH YOU'RE IMPOSSIBLE!!!!", she says, and storms into the bathroom to take her shower.
I'm just hating it right now.
I really wanted that peach, too.
It's still floating in that goddamned bloody bowl right now.