Apr 02, 2006 00:15
Sometimes I think about how things could have been or how things would have been. I know that I can't cnage the past, but if i could I would change the way I ahve fucked up everyhting. I've realized that no matter how much people say I am not a fuck-up, they don't mean it. My mommy tells me that I am a great daughter, it's just I don't make good choices. but all I can sya is that I'm human and humans make mistakes. But after its all said and done, the condition I go through is that i can't stop making the same mistakes. i don't make new ones, I just seam to make the same ones. Falling in love with the wrong people happen to be a part of one of those mistakes. And I know that it's better ot have lost, then to not have loved at all. But at the end of the day, I don't beleive one bit of that. I would have rather not loved at all, because of all the hurt and all the letters and all the fighs and all the journal entries, the love was all jsut a lie. And when I make the mistake to get suspended in school. I've been doing it for years now. And I seam to not have learned until I do somehting really hectic. Like this one, honestly, I don't think that this will be the last time I do this. I know it's the end of the year and I should have relaized this a long time ago, not when I'm really trying to graduate. I really wish that I would learn things better. I mean I just don't care sometimes. And it sucks because I can't realize these things ahead of time like everyone else. I've tried to convince myself that I'm not like everyone else, and I know its true, but when my parents tell me that so and so don't do things like I do, I can't help but want to be that other person. Basiclly I just want my mom to be happy with me and sometimes I think that the only way I can do that is if I let her know how much she has hurt me, but as much as she has hurt me, I could never hurt her one bit. I just want to tell everyone how I really am, insted of acting as this big asshole whose full of themself. Because thats not me at all. I'm not really hard inside. I happen to be the softest person anyone knows. I'm really sensitvie and I cry. Yes, I'm sure that no one has seen me cry but I do. It's not the fact that i don't know who I am, it's just that I don't like who I am, and I'm way too far in to change myself. I know how intellegent I am, I just cant seam to figure out how to use it in some situations and thats what everyone else sees. Unless you have had an actuall intellegent conversation with me or read anything I have written, then you would know the real me. I'm so sick of pepople thinking I'm the shit because I'm not. I'm nothing to me, and it sucks more than anything. I want to change and I have the will power, but I don't have the courage.