I'll be your secret
I refereed ten games this week, and capped it off with a Friday night of fun at my place with Mister Chad. Pop-a-shot is a good friend activity. I also did very well on sports bets tonight, mitigating some of my losses from earlier in the week. It was a good night, and all told, a pretty good week, despite my occasional backsliding into depression and loneliness. I want to be someone who appreciates the good times more.
I recognize that every good thing in my heart is affected in some way or another by my Mandi obsession, and I acknowledge that as a personal trait, if not a flaw. I fantasize constantly about her reaching out again, but why would she? I've given her every chance, every reason I could think of. I am in pain at the absence of her, but ultimately that is my responsibility, not hers. Laine has been a helpful friend in this regard, and her Soul Repairs articles have been a good read despite the Jesus-y stuff. My soul does need repairs. I would like to be myself and enjoy the good in life. The latter isn't as easy for me as it was when I was young, but I think I'm getting better at the former. I don't have to pretend to be anybody I'm not, or be ashamed of who I am with someone else. Maybe one day that will go even further, and somebody will love me for me. But if not, I need to find a way to still be okay. Nights like tonight make me feel like that's possible.
I recognize that every good thing in my heart is affected in some way or another by my Mandi obsession, and I acknowledge that as a personal trait, if not a flaw. I fantasize constantly about her reaching out again, but why would she? I've given her every chance, every reason I could think of. I am in pain at the absence of her, but ultimately that is my responsibility, not hers. Laine has been a helpful friend in this regard, and her Soul Repairs articles have been a good read despite the Jesus-y stuff. My soul does need repairs. I would like to be myself and enjoy the good in life. The latter isn't as easy for me as it was when I was young, but I think I'm getting better at the former. I don't have to pretend to be anybody I'm not, or be ashamed of who I am with someone else. Maybe one day that will go even further, and somebody will love me for me. But if not, I need to find a way to still be okay. Nights like tonight make me feel like that's possible.