tears...12:56 am

[warpedndemented]

All I do is cry. I hear a song, I cry. I think about something, I cry. I look at someone, I cry. Why? Leslie thinks its my hormones...thats her excuse for everything. I can't even take a shower without crying. And I know its not normal. Yesterday I was watching Higher Ground, and it was the episode where Daisy's mom dies. I have seen that episode over and over and I still cry everytime. I have cried in every episode since it came out...the first time on the Family Channel. I mean I know that it is sad, and I can relate to a lot of the stuff that those people are going through, but still...why do I cry? I went in my grandmother's old house the other day. Though it is all trashed up now, it seemed like it was when she died. It was like the furniature was still there and she was on the couch where she always was. But then reality smacked me in the face and I realized it wasn't the same. Its never going to be the same. When she died, a part of me died with her. And when Uncle Darrell died, another part left. I was completely normal until that happened. At least then I still had my faith. Now all I have is my useless self. I don't know who I am. My life revolves around a family that wouldn't even notice if I would leave until it came the time that they needed something. The only one I actually have here that cares is my aunt. And that is only because I have had her since I moved in with my grandma. I will go crazy if something happens to her. She doesn't walk or talk, but she does a lot. That doesn't make sense unless you have met her...but she is the only reason I still live here. Mom says she wants me to be able to talk to her, but everytime I feel like I can open up to her, she is to busy with her head up Teddi's ass or out playing "mother" to the rest of the world. And she wonders what my problem is. Why I am so dependent on myself and don't trust very many people. Well here it is. I have never been taught what it is like to have a good family. My grandparents, though my grandma didn't show it, was the only "true family" I had. No matter what it was, I could go to them. But here, it doesn't matter. They would rather have me put into some mental institution to figure out what is wrong with me. I don't see why they are even bothering. If they would just stop to listen, they would figure it out. Instead of putting me in personal counseling, I think they need to look into family counseling. But what do I know?...I'm crazy. Well, I'm out for now...mom, Breanna, and myself are SUPPOSED to have mother/daughter bonding time tomorrow...but I seriously doubt it seeing as we have been having it all week, and I've still not seen us "bond"...oh well...thats life.

And Chris, I promise things will get better. You just have to give it time. And maybe try talking to your family again about what is bothering you. Just don't do something you may regret...please? I'm here if you need me...always...no matter what...ok?. Well, ttyl.

Kimberly