Hmm
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Ho Hum. So life is rather interesting for me right now. I am moving to Reno in a few months because Ryan just got a job there. He will be moving in a few weeks and we will be apart for four months. Lately, this has caused me to freak out a little bit. I will be moving to a state with NO family...okay that is not ENTIRELY true. Ryan IS my family, but that is putting everything on HIM. I will be following him for HIS career, in hopes that we will actually SET A DATE and begin to plan our life together without our parents butting in!
I had a sex dream the other night, about a guy friend I havent seen or talked to in a couple months. I would like to think it was simply the fact that Ryan and I don't get to be together much, and when we DO, it is at his DAD's house....so ya....doesn't really put ME in the mood but oh well. Okay, maybe I should explain the dream a bit...
This is what I rememember. In the dream, I remember talking with Ryan about having sex with this friend, and he was fine with it. He wasn't really in the mood to have sex, so he suggested this friend. So as this friend, we will call him Steve, so Steve and I go looking for a place to get intimate, and we run into my old roommate, Lisa. I get on her case about the money she has owed me FOR MONTHS and her phone bill, and she finally agrees that she will pay me. Then Steve and I take off to a hotel room and...ya...then I WOKE UP. I was so frustrated and weirded out. I was also angry that I woke up when I did, and that Lisa was in my dream because she pisses the hell out of me. Hm..
So, this dream doesnt really MEAN anything, right? I mean, even when I did hang out a lot with Steve, I didn't dream about freaking SLEEPING with him! I mean, it was discussed...but not DREAMT about. Could this be more of my anxiousness about moving manifesting itself in my dreams?? I really hope that this move will be a positive thing for our relationship and won't cause a TON of stress. I love Ryan, there is no doubt about that...but sometimes I feel like he is holding back, or not fighting as hard for us as I am. He says that is one reason why this move to Reno will be better. He even told the interviewers how we want to get away from our parents (specifically both our moms). He says that will get rid of a lot of stress for us, but I am afraid that that won't get rid of the stress, it will just come out somewhere else. I think about how lucky I am all the time to be with Ryan, and sometimes, when I lie in bed at night, I think about him and I can't help but grin from ear to ear. I never thought I could love someone so much. But then, when we are together, he can be so distant and cold. I don't know if I am bugging him, or if all guys do that.... I just don't know. I was raised around my grandparents who are Mexican, and the woman always does everything for the man. My grandma would always cook and clean for my grandpa. My grandpa was never questioned, and he didn't even have to get up to get his own BEER or salt and pepper. It was always ALWAYS done for him. he wasn't a jerk about it, or anything. It was just how it was. I have always thought I wanted to take such great care of my man that he won't ever question or want to be with another woman. I know that guys will look, and I myself check out chicks (which has been something my guyfriends like) but I don't want my man to ever question how much I love him or wish I did something more.
Lately though, I have been freaking out about this move. I am excited to live in Reno, but I am nervous. I feel like I am putting all my eggs in one basket. I don't think I would be as nervous if I felt that Ryan recognized what I am doing. From day one I have supported his job searchs in other states. I have told him many times that I would follow him to the ends of the earth if that is what it took (cheesy I know). Oh well, maybe once we move Ryan's time won't be divided as much and he won't be stressed so much. Since he has moved in with his dad, he has been more stressed and he tends to take it out on me. A few weeks ago, I had to go to the ER and I was really sick over the weekend. Ryan was angry with me while he was here because he said that during the week he has to take care of his dad and he doesn't want to have to take care of me. This was after I had puked my guts out in the bathroom and my roommate checked on me and got me a glass of water while Ryan just sat watching football.
Ok, I have whined enough for one email. School is going well, and I just got back from a trip to Arizona. My family is great, I love Ryan very much, and I get to wake up every day to a loving dog and sleep every night in a cozy bed. OKAY, so I will shut up now and maybe actually get some STUDYING done.
(SIDE NOTE: Michelle Rodriguez is REALLY HOT.)