I think you finally broke her
I pretty much lied about not updating this again. Its funny how much a weekend, yes only 3 days, can teach you. It can test your temptations and question your ability to put trust into certain people. It can cause you to wonder about who you truely like and want to be with, who you should really waste your time on and obviously who you shouldn't. It can help you put your priorities into order and show you that a good time isn't all about finding the best party. For me this weekend couldn't have been any more beneficial then it actually was.
A few months ago a person that was very important in my life and I got into a fight. We hadn't talked for about 3 months which to us once seemed impossible to even stay mad for an hour or two. During those 3 months I'd said some of the most horrible things, hoping that I wouldn't have to face her at shows or ever again for that matter. It was one of the worst feelings I've ever felt. New Years was the turning point for me and this once great friend of mine. I spent this whole weekend with her and it was so ridiculous how great it felt. It takes experience but you will soon learn to never lose sight of those people who will do anything for you, those who drop whatever they're doing just to spend a night driving you around consoling your tears from a bad runin even when they have a prior date or appointment. Its these people who will always come back to you in life. <3
Its strange how when around different crowds of people you act a totally different way, have different morals, and lower/higher standards for yourself. When around different people different situations arise and things seem less important. No matter how much you believe yourself to be "unique" you will never be considered under that extravavent title if you give in to what other people expect you to do and be.
"There can be no deep disappointment where there is not deep love." Ahh how fresh disappointment is etched into my mind right now. It always work out that you have higher standards for other people then they even have for themselves. Someone that you believe to be so intelligent, beautiful, and strong can give into the dumb, ugly, weak face of pressure. This isn't something I'm going to dwell on because it only proves that everyone makes mistakes..but the point in that is learning from them! Over the summer I made you realize that something/someone wasn't so influential and you soon noticed your slow downfall also..so why would I lie about it now? Using "I know I'm dumb and its very stupid" as an excuse won't cut it, because obviously if you truely believed that..you'd be over it. I don't say this just to get you angry and lose contact with you but because I really care about you..I mean why would anyone get so worked up over someone/something if they weren't afraid of losing them.
I've come to notice that I have a tendency to get attached to people and maybe thats why I always feel so shot down but the irony in that is that I can dispatch of someone just as fast if not ten times faster. I've also come to notice that I always seem to chase after the people that never care, the people that tease me, the people that probably wouldn't even notice if I were gone forever. Yet when someone comes around and actually has interest in me and expresses it in extreme ammounts..they're suddenly very weird and stalkerish. I'm tired of being let down, I'm tired of keeping hope for the one day when he'll say "I want to be with you" but its all i truely want which makes it even harder to say that I don't care because I really do. I'm tired of loving someone but never having it returned, and I hate that feeling I get when I see him calling someone else gorgeous/beautiful when I'm left here wondering if I am and if I am then why hasn't he told me I'm beautiful? The only people I've ever had refer to me as the word beautiful are related to me or just very close friends. I've heard things related to that but I don't care about being "hot" its all about being beautiful and possessing true beauty not just some term that can be used to describe the temperature outside..everything that is ever described as beautiful is always breathe taking.
Its the simple things that matter. A random phone call or voice mail that accomplishes nothing yet inspires a smile. A girls night where every giggle and excitement shows some form of being comfortable and relaxed. The tear from your sisters eye that causes a tear to fall from your eye when you find out that your "sister day" isn't going to turn out so perfect because the stupid car won't start. The smile that crosses your face when you see him come online and see his IM box pop up even before you get a chance to click on it. Knowing that someone cares about you and thinks about you every night whether they care to tell you or not. Everyone is loved by somebody.
The inside scoop on this weekend:
Friday night Laura and I went to a show in Orland. I was told to go by a friend of mine whom I actually did not see but all was forgotten when we walked out of there with 6 new friends under our belts. We ran into some amazing kids who live somewhat far away but distance doesn't play a part for me anymore..I've learned to dispose of it because why should the ones close to you be the only ones to benefit from all the love and friendship you have to offer. We met these kids Joey, Kyle, Becca, and uhm "Matt"? They were super nice and kept us company. We played air hockey which I found to be a very aggressive game when played against me :) The last band called Rockdalehigh was very good and after the show we talked to the extremely cute drummer boy..of course though don't forget "I'm slow".
Saturday there was a battle of the bands at St. Christina. That was pretty fun. I saw so many people it was so great. I got to see Pat who I haven't seen in forever, Alexi -- the greek boy, Rachel, we met JR up there and hung out with the guys from Public Affairs and 17 Come Sunday all night. Oh yes and who can forget the BID (Burning In December) boys!!! I learned that night that thumb wars can be very intense and well Dan is very good at playing it "am I going left or right" bam..he's the winner! Apparently theres a lot of hatred going on between a few people and some people think things of me which I still don't clearly understand. Oh yes Laura and its all when you're around me. After we left going to White Castles..pure insanity. Those 6 guys..leaving, waving for 5 minutes then coming back in, then calling right when they walk out to make sure they have the right number. Gosh their message they left was so priceless. Also that night "have you ever jammed your fingers?" Plus we got alittle too loud and Laura woke everyone in my family up! goshh nice job.
Sunday we went to Best Buy, Target, drove around, and back to her house to discuss her date! Goshh I want to go on a date now :( Monday my sister and I were supposed to have a sisters day out and go see a movie and out to lunch but the car wouldn't start..so we stayed in and watched "Little Black Book" which was actually pretty good.
With that my friends I bid you a fare well.