awakey, wakey...
a couple of weekends ago, i was in los banos again, for a rare get-together with my high school friends. these are people who've seen me grow up, could recognize me even in their sleep and would accept me no matter how much i keep on falling flat on my face. on the afternoon i got there, i met up with kevin, one of my best guy friends. i dragged him out, insisting that i needed to see the campus grounds during the day, trying to remember how it was while i was still familiarizing myself with it almost a decade ago.
it was slightly raining, so we couldn't go around as much as we could. we did pause in front of our high school, though. it's been some 4 years since the school was relocated somewhere outside the UPLB grounds (now where's the fun in that?) but of course, the campus and the buildings are still there, intact and at the same time decaying. the whole place was covered with weeds (and not even the type that you smoke to laugh) and it was just dismaying to see how a place you once held sacred and altoether cursed was falling back into the earth. all this despair around when all you really want to do is to get your shit together. the gates were locked and somehow i persuaded kevin that we should jump over the fence.
so there i was, trespassing again. this time confident that i wasn't doing anything wrong. i wasn't breaking any laws, nor any hearts. except my own. i walked slowly along the dark corridors, one hand holding a cigarette, the other running over the dusty walls i used to crash into during my moments of silliness when i was younger. it felt like i was in Sting's video for "fields of gold". the emptiness was laid out before me, and at the same time, i can clearly see what it was like several years ago, when we kept the place alive with our childish giggles and ideals.
"i swear, when i grow up, i will..."
and we have grown up. i'd like to think that much has changed. i'd like to think that i remain the dreamer i always was.
i felt like a ghost going around my alma mater. suddenly, i understood why spirits come to haunt. especially if you're presently stuck in some sort of hell. why wouldn't you want to go back to a time and place when there was no need to want, when what you wanted was right there? when dreams are what you looked forward to actualizing and not what you've left to forget?
* * *
it's going to be Z's 30th (!) birthday this sunday. i still love that man, no matter how much shit i went through in those two years i was in love with him. i wish him nothing but the best of what else this life has to give him. for someone who punished himself too much for past instances that could never have been controlled, i sincerely hope he makes peace with himself soonest.
it was slightly raining, so we couldn't go around as much as we could. we did pause in front of our high school, though. it's been some 4 years since the school was relocated somewhere outside the UPLB grounds (now where's the fun in that?) but of course, the campus and the buildings are still there, intact and at the same time decaying. the whole place was covered with weeds (and not even the type that you smoke to laugh) and it was just dismaying to see how a place you once held sacred and altoether cursed was falling back into the earth. all this despair around when all you really want to do is to get your shit together. the gates were locked and somehow i persuaded kevin that we should jump over the fence.
so there i was, trespassing again. this time confident that i wasn't doing anything wrong. i wasn't breaking any laws, nor any hearts. except my own. i walked slowly along the dark corridors, one hand holding a cigarette, the other running over the dusty walls i used to crash into during my moments of silliness when i was younger. it felt like i was in Sting's video for "fields of gold". the emptiness was laid out before me, and at the same time, i can clearly see what it was like several years ago, when we kept the place alive with our childish giggles and ideals.
"i swear, when i grow up, i will..."
and we have grown up. i'd like to think that much has changed. i'd like to think that i remain the dreamer i always was.
i felt like a ghost going around my alma mater. suddenly, i understood why spirits come to haunt. especially if you're presently stuck in some sort of hell. why wouldn't you want to go back to a time and place when there was no need to want, when what you wanted was right there? when dreams are what you looked forward to actualizing and not what you've left to forget?
* * *
it's going to be Z's 30th (!) birthday this sunday. i still love that man, no matter how much shit i went through in those two years i was in love with him. i wish him nothing but the best of what else this life has to give him. for someone who punished himself too much for past instances that could never have been controlled, i sincerely hope he makes peace with himself soonest.