waiting
So. I've been back since Sunday.
My Grams is dying.
We had to have her taken to the hospital on Sunday. The day after her birthday. The entire weekend was...I don't even know how to describe it. I don't even know if she was ever fully aware that I was there.
On Sunday when we had her taken to the hospital, we were almost certain she had a stroke. She didn't, apparently, but they diagnosed her with acidosis (sp?). Started treating her for it, and things seemed to get a little bit better.
My dad is still down in Greencastle. He's been calling my mom periodically to let her know what is going on. He called her today.
Her kidneys are failing. She'd had trouble with them before, but they had managed to get things under control. But they've gone to hell now, and they've done all they can, apparently. She had told my dad and my uncle before that she didn't want dialysis, so they're not going to do it, and it apparently probably wouldn't help much anyways. Too hard on the body, particularly a 95 year old body.
So now, we wait. My dad is coming back tomorrow, because he needs to come home for a bit. And then I guess we're playing it by ear, when we go back down.
It's completely up in the air. Her body is basically just giving up, so it could be a few weeks, or it could be a few days.
I don't really know how to deal with this. My head is just...I don't know where it is. I don't know how to feel. I'm trying so hard to hold it together. I'm trying to keep myself occupied. Spending time with Oriana.
She lived to see 95. I should be happy about that. And I am. But this is so fucking cruel. This makes me hate any and every concept of God I've ever considered. That she could live so long and in such good health for so much of it, and then just...have everything go straight to hell like this. She was doing so well, astoundingly well for being in her 90's, and then the past year and a half/2 years or so...it's like everything just suddenly went haywire. I remember writing about this somewhat before here, saying that it's like her body suddenly realized how old it really was and just...flipped out, or something. And that's the best way I can think of to describe it.
I just...I don't understand. She shouldn't have to go through this. This sudden, haphazard crumbling of her health, mentally and physically. I remember talking to Lisa about it once a few months ago, saying that it's like when a pane of glass is hit with something hard enough to make it crack. It doesn't break, but any pressure on it causes the cracks to spider out further, unpredictably. And there's no way of knowing when the glass will finally give way. That's what this is like. And it's not fair. It's not fair to her. She doesn't deserve this.
I don't know. I hate life right now. But I just wanted to make an update about this, because I haven't really been around lately, and this is pretty much why.
I don't know how this is going to end up effecting me. I haven't dealt with something like this since my Grandpa died when I was 8.
My heart is breaking.
My Grams is dying.
We had to have her taken to the hospital on Sunday. The day after her birthday. The entire weekend was...I don't even know how to describe it. I don't even know if she was ever fully aware that I was there.
On Sunday when we had her taken to the hospital, we were almost certain she had a stroke. She didn't, apparently, but they diagnosed her with acidosis (sp?). Started treating her for it, and things seemed to get a little bit better.
My dad is still down in Greencastle. He's been calling my mom periodically to let her know what is going on. He called her today.
Her kidneys are failing. She'd had trouble with them before, but they had managed to get things under control. But they've gone to hell now, and they've done all they can, apparently. She had told my dad and my uncle before that she didn't want dialysis, so they're not going to do it, and it apparently probably wouldn't help much anyways. Too hard on the body, particularly a 95 year old body.
So now, we wait. My dad is coming back tomorrow, because he needs to come home for a bit. And then I guess we're playing it by ear, when we go back down.
It's completely up in the air. Her body is basically just giving up, so it could be a few weeks, or it could be a few days.
I don't really know how to deal with this. My head is just...I don't know where it is. I don't know how to feel. I'm trying so hard to hold it together. I'm trying to keep myself occupied. Spending time with Oriana.
She lived to see 95. I should be happy about that. And I am. But this is so fucking cruel. This makes me hate any and every concept of God I've ever considered. That she could live so long and in such good health for so much of it, and then just...have everything go straight to hell like this. She was doing so well, astoundingly well for being in her 90's, and then the past year and a half/2 years or so...it's like everything just suddenly went haywire. I remember writing about this somewhat before here, saying that it's like her body suddenly realized how old it really was and just...flipped out, or something. And that's the best way I can think of to describe it.
I just...I don't understand. She shouldn't have to go through this. This sudden, haphazard crumbling of her health, mentally and physically. I remember talking to Lisa about it once a few months ago, saying that it's like when a pane of glass is hit with something hard enough to make it crack. It doesn't break, but any pressure on it causes the cracks to spider out further, unpredictably. And there's no way of knowing when the glass will finally give way. That's what this is like. And it's not fair. It's not fair to her. She doesn't deserve this.
I don't know. I hate life right now. But I just wanted to make an update about this, because I haven't really been around lately, and this is pretty much why.
I don't know how this is going to end up effecting me. I haven't dealt with something like this since my Grandpa died when I was 8.
My heart is breaking.