Fuck off, brain.
Truth be told, I've had a draft of this entry sitting in a folder on my computer now for several days. I started it, but then didn't post it, because I was afraid I'd annoy people. Which is the most idiotic thing, ever. I talked with Lisa about it and felt like I had gotten most of it out of my system on Friday, and it seemed like I had, but today, right now, my head is a mess, again.
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It is truly ridiculous how easily my stupid mind can still get the best of me, sending insecurities crashing down on my head, for no apparent reason.
I've had a weird last few days. My mood has been fine, and then not. Back and forth. I'll be fine for most of the day, and then suddenly something inside me snaps and it's like I'm reliving being 15 and totally wrecked in the head again.
Sometimes, I really do think a lobotomy would be better than dealing with this shit.
I need to set up an appointment to see Pat.
I don't know how to articulate the mess in my head right now. I just wish it would fuck off an go away and never come back again.
I wish I knew what it was like to truly feel like I was totally okay for more than, like, half an hour. I wish I wasn't so frequently reduced to this...discombobulated mess of insecurity and inferiority. I constantly worry that I only annoy everybody with how often this happens.
What's sad, is that I'm more concerned about how my mental state makes others perceive me, than I am about how it destroys me. That's how fucked up this is.
I don't want this brain. I want one that isn't dysfunctional. I want to stop living with this fear that people are only putting up with me because they don't want to deal with telling me to piss off. I want a brain that doesn't have me criticizing EVERYTHING I do, before I can even finish doing it. I want to not feel like a lunatic.
Jesus fuck. I'm not even upset right now; like, I'm not crying. Which is out of the ordinary, for me. I'm just...angry. I am furious with myself.
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That's from the initial draft I wrote.
I want to believe
There’s something to believe
I would live only
Just to believe
I've always said that there's a difference between knowing and believing. In the past, I didn't have either; I didn't know, nor did I believe that I was someone worth knowing, that I had good things to offer, that there is anything about me that's interesting. It's only been the past few years that I've really been able to say that I know any of those things. My biggest problem now, is with believing. I come so close, but then something happens and my head trips me up. It's like the line quoted from 'Why Georgia' in my icon, "might be the quiet supersitions in my head."
I just need to get this out. I need to stop being so controlled by this retarded fear that people are going to dislike me for every last little stupid thing my mind comes up with. I know I'll be okay; like Lisa told me, it's good that I'm pissed, in a way - that I'm recognizing that this is fucked up and getting angry about it instead of just wallowing in it.
Can’t put my mind at ease with the words I say
Trying to get myself to get out of my way
I am my own worst enemy. How do you win a battle against yourself?
I know I can. Just...times like this really fucking suck. Heh.