a medley of sorts
Part One:
I started reading H. T. Hamann's Anthropology of an American Girl while I was away over Christmas. It is a truly beautiful book, thus far. I would seriously recommend it to all of you. I had a quote from it in that past entry where I quoted excerpts from several books, and since I've actually been reading it now, I have a couple more that I wanted to share. Both of them are quotes that I really, really relate to, and I think Hamann described both situations beautifully.
Pg. 37: And loneliness. I should say something of loneliness. The panic, the sweeping hysteria that comes not when you are without others, but when you are without yourself, adrift.
Pg. 58: Having to talk to people was one thing, but soliciting conversation was something else entirely. If I acted squirmy or didn't make eye contact, they would want to know what was wrong, and I would have to say "nothing," since nothing really was wrong. Nothing is an easy thing to feel but a difficult thing to express. It's impossible to describe nothing without seeming sneaky.
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Part Two:
When I was filling out that latest meme/survey thing at Lisa's LJ, I picked a verse from Joni Mitchell's 'A Case Of You' for the Favorite Lyric bit. It randomly popped into my head, which is somewhat strange, since I hadn't listened to that song in quite a while. But I looked it up to make sure I had it right, and then I ended up listening to it for the remainder of the time I was filling out those things at people's LJ's. I had forgotten how much I really loved that song, and in particular, how much I really love the specific verse I quoted at Lisa's.
(Actually, I just checked again, because something didn't seem right as I was looking back at what I put at Lisa's, and the lyrics are wrong there. Ack. What follows are the correct ones.)
I remember that time you told me, you said,
"Love is touching souls"
Surely you've touched mine
'Cause part of you pours out of me
In these lines from time to time
That part totally gets me every time I hear the song or read the lyrics, but especially when I hear it, because I think that there's really something about the way she sings that part that makes it have that much more of an impact. If you've never heard the song, you should listen to it at least once, just for that part. I'm playing it over in my head as I write this, right now, and I'm actually getting choked up, which is totally dorky and lame. But it's seriously so beautiful. That part, and the whole song. Her voice was so gorgeous; it's a downright shame how different it is now, compared to how she sounded on Blue (which is a beautiful album that I totally recommend if you don't already have it).
But this part that I posted, right now, it makes me think of my friends, offline and on. All of you here, but especially Amy, Lisa, Sabrina, Lizzy, Erin, Lily, Kit and Ella. You have made such an impact on me in the time I've known you, however varied that time may be between the 8 of you.
Amy, Lisa, Sabrina, Lizzy and Erin - you're all the ones I've known the longest here. You all knew me when I was still so absolutely consumed by my anxiety and depression. You all helped me in numerous ways, at numerous points, and I sincerely believe that your presence in my life back then was something of a catalyst for me finally starting to understand that I was not the worthless, hopeless being I thought I was back then. You saw me through what was arguably the biggest, hardest, most important change in my life, in that respect. And though with some of you, there have been lapses in communication from time to time, you're all still here today, some nearly 6-7 years later. There aren't words for how thankful I am to still have the presence of all of you in my life.
Lily, Kit and Ella - I haven't known you as long, but you've made just as much of an impact, as far as I'm concerned. I'm better than I was some 6-7 years ago - hell, I'm better than I was even 2-3 years ago - but I still have my moments where I falter. You have been so kind, and so wonderful to me in those times. Even when I'm not having one of those moments, you three have all offered words to me that have made me feel like I'm on top of the world. Knowing you has made me that much happier of a person, that much healthier of a person, and I can't thank you enough for that.
Simply put, you all have touched my soul. And everything I do, everything I write here, everything about who I am now and who I'm turning into...part of each of you comes out of me in all of that.
I'm corny as hell, I know, but I mean it. I mean it so much that I've made myself cry while writing this. I'm so cool, I amaze myself sometimes. :-P
I love you guys.
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Part Three:
I've been doing more research on colleges around here in Chicago. Next up is making appointments to go talk to people at several of them, to get a better feel for each one. But the tuition thing is driving me nuts, and this is why:
- Roosevelt University, $15,000
- Columbia College, $15,588
- DePaul University, $20,900
- Loyola University Chicago, $26,000
These are the ones I'm choosing from, as it stands. UIC (Univ. of Illinois @ Chicago) was on that list until I found out that I wouldn't be able to get accepted there as a transfer student. My GPA is high enough. The issue? I don't have two math courses on my transcripts. What the fucking fuck? None of the other schools I've looked at have a crazy-ass requirement like that about specific general education courses that you need to have already completed in order to be accepted as a transfer student. Assholes.
I also originally had been planning to consider Northwestern University.
And then I looked up their tuition.
$31,000. Yeah. Neeeeevermind. I knew it was going to be pretty high, but I had forgotten that it was actually that high. Granted, that's still not as high as the lovely University of Chicago, with it's paltry $39,000 - and I love that. $39,000. Why don't they just round it up to $40,000? It's not like $1000 less makes it suddenly more affordable or appealing. It's still THIRTY-NINE THOUSAND DOLLARS, for shit's sake. And not even just once. Even if you graduated in 3 years, that'd still be a total of around $120,000. $160,000 for the 'standard' four years. Crazy bastards. I know it's a good school, but that's flipping ridiculous. Explains why they own pretty much 85% of Hyde Park, heh. U of C is to Hyde Park as Bill Gates/Microsoft is to the world of computer technology. Assimilation is inevitable. Resistence is futile! *snort*
Wow, that was a tangent.
So. Anyway. Obviously, Roosevelt or Columbia are the best bets, financially. Of those two, I'd prefer Columbia. Only they don't have a specific Communications program. The closest they have is Marketing Communications, but I looked at it, and I actually think I'd like it. The Marketing Comm. BA offers the choice of a concentration in Advertising, Marketing, Creative Sports Advertising, or Public Relations. After looking at the descriptions of each concentration area and then at the specific courses involved with each one, I think Public Relations would be the best fit for me, and the one I'd actually really enjoy.
I still want to consider DePaul and Loyola, though. Especially DePaul.
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Part Four:
I also need to find a job. And once I have that, I need to save up a shitload of money so that I can get an apartment. Hyde Park is pretty much out of the question. Rent here is insane, and while it does really depend on the neighborhood, I'd be better off looking on the north side. Not by much, but hey, if I can knock a hundred off, I want to.
Regardless, I'll have to get a roommate, which I'm not exactly looking forward to, but I'll deal with it. It's just not going to be possible for me to live on my own, go to school and pay my rent and bills and gas when I'll only be working part time during the school year. Even with a roommate to split the rent and bills with, I'm still going to need some help from my parents. :-\
This is all very stressful, and I'd be lying if I said that, in relation to the issues of transferring, finding a job and having to find a roommate, that I'm not scared. But I'm still really happy to be back here in Chicago. This is Home.