My Charismatic Height (bandfic)

[warmboys]

Fandom: Super Junior
Character/Pairing: Bandfic
Rating/Genre: PG, crack
Word Count: 1425
Summary: What happens when SJ's tallest members lose their height.
A/N: Just when I think I can't write anything more inane, I go ahead and surprise myself. Um, think of this as chasing away writer's block with crack?



My Charismatic Height

The day Kyuhyun was supposed to cook his first meal for his hyungs, Siwon disappeared. Or rather, he wasn't where they thought he'd be. Donghae looked up to tell Siwon a funny Chinese joke, but Siwon wasn't there. Flustered, he scanned the ceiling and the ceiling corners for Siwon's smiling face, but it wasn't there either.

A couple moments later, he gave in and asked, "Has anyone seen Siwon?" and heard Siwon's voice answer, "Donghae? I’m right behind you."

He couldn't find him.

"Look down."

Donghae removed his eyes from the ceiling and gradually lowered them until they were level with another familiar set of eyeballs.

In the past five minutes, Siwon had shrunken what looked to Donghae about two feet but what was in actuality exactly nine centimeters. He was now the height of an average Korean man.

"Siwon... what happened?"

Siwon gestured with both palms face-up that he had no idea. "One minute I was looking over all of your heads, and the next, your hair was blocking my view."

Within seconds the rest of the members had been alerted to this horrible disaster. Luckily Leeteuk was taking a nap in his room at the time.

“You’re now the same height as Eunhyuk,” Heechul observed.

Eunhyuk, who had previously preoccupied his face with an appropriately worried expression, now reorganized his facial muscles to look surprised. “Me?” He pointed to himself and then Siwon.

“You forgot about these,” came Kangin’s voice around Eunhyuk’s ankles. He was reaching into Eunhyuk’s slippers to take out mini shoelifts made specifically for wearing at home. Eunhyuk moved his feet accommodatingly.

They decided it was a good thing Siwon was still taller than Eunhyuk.

“How did this happen?” Sungmin asked.

But Heechul was more interested in seeing what parts of Siwon had shrunken exactly. His head appeared to be the same size as before; it was the rest of the body that looked scrunched up and funny now. Still, his shrinkage was proportional length-wise. His legs had shrunken in a 1:1 ratio with his torso. There was no horizontal change. His shoulders were just as broad as ever. Siwon now kind of resembled an undersized American football player.

“Does this mean your abs are more tightly packed than ever?” Heechul asked, trying to lift Siwon’s shirt, which was a harder task now as he had to reach lower than before.

“Hyung!” Siwon exclaimed disapprovingly, eyes widening and eyebrows leaping into his hairline.

“Let me just feel the contours with your shirt still on, then,” Heechul conceded, running his fingertips all over Siwon’s stomach.

“Still rock hard,” He confirmed, flashing the other members a thumbs up. Eunhyuk looked disappointed.

“What are we going to do now that the average height of Super Junior has been pulled down?” Ryeowook asked, worried now that he didn’t have Siwon to balance himself out.

“We still have Kangin and Kyuhyun,” Donghae offered helpfully.

“And me,” Hankyung added.

Silence.

“Really?” Heechul asked. “You don’t look that tall to me.”

“I’m taller,” Kangin reassured him.

Hankyung sighed. “No, I am. It’s just my unimposing appearance and mild demeanor that make me look shorter.” No one seemed to understand what he just said except for Heechul.

“He said that he’d look taller if he weren’t such a sissy,” Heechul explained to Eunhyuk during Hankyung’s second sigh.

“I’m actually taller than Kyuhyun, too,” Hankyung continued, although people had stopped listening and were examining Siwon’s six-pack instead.

Luckily Siwon went home that night before Leeteuk woke up.

The next day Ryeowook fell sick and Kyuhyun was set to make dinner again.

The next to shrink was Hankyung, although no one noticed at first, not even himself, because the change wasn’t too noticeable. He had a hard time convincing the others that he hadn’t always been Heechul’s height. Heechul was delighted to find that he could now prop his arm comfortably on Hankyung’s shoulder.

“But how did this happen?” Sungmin asked again.

Hankyung shook his head.

“Well, at least we still have Kangin and Kyuhyun,” Shindong offered.

Leeteuk walked into the room and everyone held their breath. “What were you guys talking about?” He asked, stretching his arms and yawning.

Hankyung shuffled his feet. Loudly. Leeteuk looked at him and two very long seconds passed. During which Leeteuk’s eyes widened and narrowed several times.

“You’ve been gaining weight, Hankyung. Time to head to the gym, boy.” He finally said, giving Hankyung a pat on the back.

There was a silent communal sigh of relief.

The third day, Ryeowook was still bedridden, and Kyuhyun volunteered to make his special soup again.

In his and Ryeowook’s shared room, Yesung groaned. “How long are we going to have to drink Kyuhyun’s seaweed soup?”

Ryeowook smiled feebly from his bed. “I’m sorry, hyung. I’ll try to get better soon.”

Yesung, realizing what he’d just said, quickly rushed to assure him that there was nothing wrong with seaweed soup and Ryeowook should focus on resting.

One floor above, Kangin was walking out of the kitchen, burped, and then bumped into a table leg. With his head.

“Ow. Wait.” He looked up and suddenly the ceiling looked very far away.

“Oh shit.”

Leeteuk dropped the newspaper he was reading at the table and screamed.

“We can explain,” Kangin said to Leeteuk after his screaming had summoned all the members to the table. Kangin was now resting on Heechul’s lap, bearing eerie resemblance to one of Eunhyuk’s stuffed animals he hugged between his legs every night.

“No, we can’t,” Sungmin corrected.

Leeteuk was still hyperventilating. Every time he looked at Kangin he wanted to puke a little more. For some reason Kangin’s transformation had been flashier than all the others. He was about as tall (or would it be appropriate to say “long”?) as Leeteuk’s calf. Similar to Siwon, while Kangin’s body had shrunken, his head size remained intact. No one would ever make fun of Yesung again.

They had also called Siwon over to show Leeteuk that at least he was still normal-looking. This did not work, as Leeteuk hadn’t known about Siwon in the first place.

“Who, else, is there?” Leeteuk growled between breaths.

No one mentioned Hankyung.

“What are we going to do?” Leeteuk cried, burying his face in his hands. Kangin hopped down from Heechul’s lap to comfort him, but he couldn’t reach high enough to rub Leeteuk’s back.

“There are ways to get around this. We can put Siwon in a wheelchair, saying he got into a car accident, and Kangin can wear stilts under a trenchcoat,“ Shindong suggested.

“HOW IS HE GOING TO DANCE ON STILTS? IN A TRENCHCOAT.” Leeteuk roared suddenly, spit flying onto Kangin’s cheek.

Shindong decided to stay quiet.

Finally Sungmin took control. “Guys, this isn’t the point. We shouldn’t be giving up but trying to figure out why this happened and how to reverse it. Is there anything you three remember doing before you shrank?”

“Three?” Leeteuk wheezed. Oops.

“I did what I do every day,” said Siwon. “Wake up, read the paper, play some basketball, shower, and then I came over to the dorms.” He looked (up) at Hankyung.

“I was on the phone with my mom,” Hankyung said. “I can’t remember much after that.” He looked (down) at Kangin.

Kangin shrugged. “I was in the kitchen, when Kyuhyun asked me if I could test-taste some of his soup.” Both Siwon and Hankyung stared at him now. Something resembling enlightenment began to color their faces.

“Wait,” Siwon gasped. “I remember now. He asked me the same thing two days ago.”

“Hold on-me too. He said… he said he needed my cooking expertise,” Hankyung realized in horror.

That was when they noticed that Kyuhyun was not in the room with them.

Kyuhyun was not in the room with them because he was in his own room, wondering when the screaming would start. Finally. Finally. He was the tallest now.

Even after they discovered in Kyuhyun’s room a bottle of green liquid containing traces of the same illicit substance that had been found in the three victims’ stools, they couldn’t have him arrested because he was the only tall person left and otherwise there really would be no one to make up for Ryeowook’s lack. The next in line was Kibum, and he was already busy being tall somewhere else. Leeteuk decided that for the sake of the band, Kyuhyun should stay, and Kangin would become their mascot, and Siwon… got the wheelchair. Hankyung didn’t get anything but the privilege of becoming Heechul’s official armrest.

--
this was partly inspired by kyuhyun's description of himself as the member with "charismatic height" on song battle (link provided by followurdestiny, thanks!). ever since then i've thought of him as the tallest after siwon, although apparently hankyung is taller than him. kangin's supposedly the same.