(no subject)
I really wish I had more time to update this thing,
Or maybe more motivation? 'Cause sure, I'm generally up to 2 AM doing home work every night, but I always make time to talk to Ben every single night for hours at a time. Granted, that's while /sort of/ doing home work at the same time, but still... I definitely waste a ton of time.
And on the subject of Ben.. I can't tell if I like him or not. If I initially think of being with him and just holding hands with him and hugging and all that usual stuff, I get the typical teenage girl butterflies in my stomach. And I'm always looking forward to seeing him throughout the day... But the second I come into his presence, I'm not sure anymore. I start feeling awkward and blech and just completely freaked out by the prospect of ever being with him.
Which is odd, because I'm entirely obsessed with fandom relationships and love and all that jazz, but the moment I start getting close to someone who has potential for a relationship, I get freaked out and want out of any obligations.
I don't know why. I think it might have a lot to do with my own personal insecurities. I'm insecure and a bit afraid of relationships, and I definitely think that ties into it. I don't particularly think that I'm too immature to be in a relationship, per say, but I do believe that it hasn't been a very good idea for me to enter one since high school began. I'm too self-reliant and, and I'm easily squicked by mental intimacy. I really need my space. I dunno if this is just a phase I'm going through, but I don't particularly like it.
Or maybe more motivation? 'Cause sure, I'm generally up to 2 AM doing home work every night, but I always make time to talk to Ben every single night for hours at a time. Granted, that's while /sort of/ doing home work at the same time, but still... I definitely waste a ton of time.
And on the subject of Ben.. I can't tell if I like him or not. If I initially think of being with him and just holding hands with him and hugging and all that usual stuff, I get the typical teenage girl butterflies in my stomach. And I'm always looking forward to seeing him throughout the day... But the second I come into his presence, I'm not sure anymore. I start feeling awkward and blech and just completely freaked out by the prospect of ever being with him.
Which is odd, because I'm entirely obsessed with fandom relationships and love and all that jazz, but the moment I start getting close to someone who has potential for a relationship, I get freaked out and want out of any obligations.
I don't know why. I think it might have a lot to do with my own personal insecurities. I'm insecure and a bit afraid of relationships, and I definitely think that ties into it. I don't particularly think that I'm too immature to be in a relationship, per say, but I do believe that it hasn't been a very good idea for me to enter one since high school began. I'm too self-reliant and, and I'm easily squicked by mental intimacy. I really need my space. I dunno if this is just a phase I'm going through, but I don't particularly like it.