real update
so, physically, i'm feeling a bit better. emotionally, not so much. i'm recovering from my surgery, which just makes recovering from what was the worst week of my life (no lie, no exaggerations) that much more difficult. let's recap...
1. physically feeling like shit all week, but that wasn't really out of the ordinary for me...it's just a good jumping off point.
2. the election. yes, i know you're OMG SOOO SICK OF IT, but give me a break for a second. this was my first election, and i'd been looking forward to it since the last. i was one pissed off 14 year old then, and i'm one pissed off 18 year old now. times don't seem to change.
3. still no sign of my phantom corset. like i'm even going to be able to wear it now.
4. went to the dentist and found out that i have to get my tooth pulled after all. furthermore, i found out that, since my mom is going to be out of a job by the end of the year, we will no longer have dental insurance. that means that not only do i have to get my tooth pulled, but it has to be very, very soon.
5. chris and i had "the talk". you know, the "we're through" talk. he says that maybe we'll be able to work it out and be together in the future, but i just can't believe that. he's pretty fucking done. of course he had to realise that once i finally realised how badly i wanted it to work, and that the "how badly" wasn't just some annoying notion tugging at the back of my brain. what the fuck was i supposed to expect though? i spent god only knows how long being pushed away and pushing him away right back...i'm not such a wonderful person that someone would want to wait for me though my various psychoses. even though i waited for him through his...
6. surgery, obviously. to elaborate, waking up at 6am after 3 hours of sleep and being like, "oh shit, i have to go to the hospital." and the hospital was in ravenna. *shudder*
7. finding out that i may have to have one of my ovaries removed. i dunno about you girls out there, but i'm pretty attached to my ovary. i kinda don't want to let her go.
and that's not even mentioning all the emotional BS that i've been going through.
although, i do have to say this: even after "the talk", chris still came to the hospital with me and held my hand and comforted me. he took care of me all weekend and was being the sweetest he's been to me in ages. lots of soft hugs and kisses on the forehead and hand holding. lots of little things...all the little things that i've been craving. but, of course...that only led to the eventual let down.
i knew that he was serious when he told me what he told me, but i just hoped that things wouldn't go back to the way they were. wishful thinking...optimism i guess. but chris is, for the most part, a very cold individual and is usually only capable of showing warmth when he feels he needs to or is obligated to. i hoped we wouldn't fall back into the normalcy of that...but of course we have. when he was at the hospital with me, i started crying and he held my hand and tried to soothe me and comfort me...genuinely. usually when he tries to get me to stop crying, it's in the midst of an arguement and it's almost always so that i can pull myself together to argue more. i was upset tonight, and i cried, and he got upset about me being upset. we weren't arguing, but he didn't do anything...he just said, "jesus" in an exasperated tone when i left the room so he could sleep. it hurt. i wasn't crying to get a reaction, but it hurt alot when i didn't. i know why, but i don't at the same time. he keeps telling me that things will get better, but things are only getting worse. between us, in my personal life...
i try so hard to be optimistic. it doesn't show, but i do. every time i try, it just gets worse.
i'm sorry for the tone of this entry. i just feel lost.
i'm going to bed.
1. physically feeling like shit all week, but that wasn't really out of the ordinary for me...it's just a good jumping off point.
2. the election. yes, i know you're OMG SOOO SICK OF IT, but give me a break for a second. this was my first election, and i'd been looking forward to it since the last. i was one pissed off 14 year old then, and i'm one pissed off 18 year old now. times don't seem to change.
3. still no sign of my phantom corset. like i'm even going to be able to wear it now.
4. went to the dentist and found out that i have to get my tooth pulled after all. furthermore, i found out that, since my mom is going to be out of a job by the end of the year, we will no longer have dental insurance. that means that not only do i have to get my tooth pulled, but it has to be very, very soon.
5. chris and i had "the talk". you know, the "we're through" talk. he says that maybe we'll be able to work it out and be together in the future, but i just can't believe that. he's pretty fucking done. of course he had to realise that once i finally realised how badly i wanted it to work, and that the "how badly" wasn't just some annoying notion tugging at the back of my brain. what the fuck was i supposed to expect though? i spent god only knows how long being pushed away and pushing him away right back...i'm not such a wonderful person that someone would want to wait for me though my various psychoses. even though i waited for him through his...
6. surgery, obviously. to elaborate, waking up at 6am after 3 hours of sleep and being like, "oh shit, i have to go to the hospital." and the hospital was in ravenna. *shudder*
7. finding out that i may have to have one of my ovaries removed. i dunno about you girls out there, but i'm pretty attached to my ovary. i kinda don't want to let her go.
and that's not even mentioning all the emotional BS that i've been going through.
although, i do have to say this: even after "the talk", chris still came to the hospital with me and held my hand and comforted me. he took care of me all weekend and was being the sweetest he's been to me in ages. lots of soft hugs and kisses on the forehead and hand holding. lots of little things...all the little things that i've been craving. but, of course...that only led to the eventual let down.
i knew that he was serious when he told me what he told me, but i just hoped that things wouldn't go back to the way they were. wishful thinking...optimism i guess. but chris is, for the most part, a very cold individual and is usually only capable of showing warmth when he feels he needs to or is obligated to. i hoped we wouldn't fall back into the normalcy of that...but of course we have. when he was at the hospital with me, i started crying and he held my hand and tried to soothe me and comfort me...genuinely. usually when he tries to get me to stop crying, it's in the midst of an arguement and it's almost always so that i can pull myself together to argue more. i was upset tonight, and i cried, and he got upset about me being upset. we weren't arguing, but he didn't do anything...he just said, "jesus" in an exasperated tone when i left the room so he could sleep. it hurt. i wasn't crying to get a reaction, but it hurt alot when i didn't. i know why, but i don't at the same time. he keeps telling me that things will get better, but things are only getting worse. between us, in my personal life...
i try so hard to be optimistic. it doesn't show, but i do. every time i try, it just gets worse.
i'm sorry for the tone of this entry. i just feel lost.
i'm going to bed.