THE SECOND LAST ONE.
"Hello, I'm Graham Kelly, the ginger high-voiced former Chief Executive of the Football Association. I've been roped in by wardytron in a vain and fruitless attempt to introduce an unconvincing veneer of respectability to the semi-finals of Lovely of the Year. In the last round rhodri made the frankly outrageous suggestion that wardytron would somehow contrive to give himself an easy draw against John Smeaton, and therefore, instead of calling immediately for his libel lawyer, wardytron asked me, Graham Kelly, the ginger high-voiced former Chief Executive of the Football Association, to preside over the semi-final. And it is me, and not just wardytron pretending to be me or anything like that, stop thinking that. But before we begin the voting, here's my glamorous assistant Vicki Michelle, who is 57 today, to explain how the draw was made".
"Good moaning, listen very carefully, I shall say this only once, it is I, l'Eclerc, I see flashing knobs, you stupid woman, what-a mistake-a to make-a, ze fallen Madonna wiz ze big boobies, zis is Knighthawk, my dicky ticker, and so on. Anyway Graham Kelly - and it is him, and not just wardytron pretending to be him or anything like that, stop thinking that - decided to employ two fine, upstanding and trustworthy individuals to make the semi-final draw. But he didn't know any, so he got publicansdecoy and whizzerandchips to do it instead". Anyway, they done the draw for the semi-final and ".
Bout 1 - Stephen Fry vs John Smeaton
Hello, this is Graham Kelly again, and not just wardytron pretending to be me or anything like that, stop thinking that. I asked James Ward for his reaction to his shock quarter-final defeat at the hands of John Smeaton, and he said that if people thought shouting "fucking come on then" and then aiming a kick at a man who was already on fire constitutes being lovely then he's glad they didn't vote for him, the miserable bunch of c#nts. "Also", he added, "John Smeaton is Glaswegian; shouting 'fucking come on then' is his default reaction to anything". Anyway, such magnanimity aside - if 'magnanimity' is the word I want, and if that's how you spell it - John Smeaton has a tougher draw in the semi-final, coming up against the hot favourite, Stephen Fry, who will win, and also win the final if you ask me, Graham Kelly.
Bout 2 - rhodri vs wardytron
I don't know if you've noticed, but both my glamorous assistant Vicki Michelle and I - that is, Graham Kelly - both possess two first names and no surname. I tried phoning Harrison Ford - who has two surnames and no first name - to see if he'd be interested in a swap deal wherein I became Graham Ford and he became Kelly Harrison, but he told me I looked like an explosion in a pube factory, and then hung up. Well anyway, both rhodri and wardytron have cruised - not in a gay way, not that there's anything wrong with that - through their earlier rounds, but now come up against each other - not in a gay way, and there would be something terribly wrong with that - in the semi-final. rhodri's quarter-final opponent was Oona King. When she lost to George Galloway in the 2005 General Election Jeremy Paxman asked him, "Mr Galloway, are you proud of having got rid of one of the very few black women in Parliament?". I, Graham Kelly, wonder if rhodri is proud of having got rid of one of the very few black women in Lovely of the Year.
Well anyway that's the contestants, and now here's my glamorous assistant Vicki Michelle to deal with all the lj-poll HTML gubbins:
Poll
Poll
Voting ends whenever wardytron has amassed enough votes to advance to the final. Please note that this is an open entry in which any of the fourteen and a half million current Livejournal users are eligible to vote, and could therefore last well into the next century, if that's as long as it takes.