I APPEAR TO HAVE SPOKEN TOO SOON
OKAY, so I spent a good HOUR or so constructing an awesome post and then accidently backspaced and lost all of it. 'Auto-save' my ass.
So excuse me if I seem a little too murderous.
In my last post, I said that as far as brain-frying awfulness goes, the Shrewpit has been rather slow lately.
I might've doomed us all, WCS.
This fic here requires a bit of explanation. I was derping around FF.net when I stumbled upon this, and was rather puzzled. It had all the trappings of a badfic, but there was something... missing. I figured that this little piece here wasn't the whole story, and so I took a brief dig through the author's other works.
And then I found this. And I wept.
So Maiev Shadowsong walks into a bar. And she's pregnant. With Illidan's child. And said child is apparently going to be some being of great evil. And the barkeep says, "what is this, some kind of joke?"
FLASHBACK TIME.
Inspector Yandere is in her cell in the Outlands, being all 'herpidy derpidy do~" and then Wussidan prances in and is like "HEY THERE MORTAL ENEMY WANNA HAVE SEX"
and Maiev is like "WHAT, LIKE MUTUALLY-DESTRUCTIVE FOEYAYISH HATESEX"
and Wussidan's all like, "ACTUALLY I WAS THINKING MORE ALONG THE LINES OF LOVING BABYMAKING RAINBOWCUPCAKEPONYSEX."
LIKE SO.
And so Inspector Yandere is like "NO FUCK OFF I HATE YOU," and then collapses crying in his arms because THAT'S WHAT WOMEN DO AMIRITE.
Oh yes. It seems that Miss Shadowsong has been beaten half to death with the Chickification stick in this fic. She lashes out then collapses sobbing rinse repeat, she simpers and sighs, and SHE FUCKING GIGGLES.
I WILL CANNIBALIZE YOUR OFFSPRING, AUTHOR. I WILL GOBBLE THEM UP IN A BIG TASTY STEW.
/ahem
So anyways Maiev is like 'OKAY FINE I'LL BE YOUR ETERNAL FUCKBUDDY HAPPY NOW'
And then Wussidan gives her a necklace and a nasty neck wound.
The author explains that this is all a part of Nelven mating rituals, to show that the woman belongs to her mate and now must serve him forever.
...Matriarchy? What matriarchy?
Also, it seems that between TFT and TBC, the Black Temple has been converted into a daycare center. No, really. There are belf and naga children skipping about playing games, and Akama has been telling them all stories like a fat jolly old toymaker.
FACEPALM. APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD.
He knew Maiev wasn't your traditional Night Elf and care about raising babies and getting pregnant. She seemed more like a woman who would talk about the best way to make a prisoner talk or maybe even her favorite way to snap someone's neck in half.
NIGHT ELVES: you're doing it wrong.
So we're introduced to Kael'thas' half-kaldorei daughter. Her purpose in this story will be to pop up now and then and vomit saccharine all over everything. She also has the ability to reduce two long-suffering, angry-at-the-world antiheroes into squeeing cooing teddy bears, because babies make everything better.
I hate this little twit. I hate her so very much.
So Illidan and Kael start bitching eachother out about cupcakes, of all things. But then Maiev bursts in all like "WHAT THE DEVIL IS GOING ON IN HEEEEEEEEERE" and defuses the situation with her 'female fury.'
That's the thing about the ladies in this fic. If they were any more stereotypical and awful, they'd be tied to rocks and used as seamonster bait. They flicker between being shrews and being good little housewives. They threaten to withhold sex, and then demand it. It's... vaguely offensive, to say the least.
So anyway, Maiev's taken to calling her archenemy 'Illybeans' now, and is like, 'YOU. ME. BED. NAO,' but Wussidan's like 'NAH L8R.'
And so we get a brief argument between Wussidan and Kael's wifey. It has no effect on anything.
And then Maiev pops in and they engage in heavy petting and apparently you can tell someone's lifestory by tasting their blood which is kind of strange and oh yeah Illipants has an eighteen inch dong.
excuse me, but whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Maiev decides that she doesn't really feel like getting an impromptu hysterectomy, and so she runs away to hide in a corner and contemplate her navel.
And, as it turns out, she's been all schoolgirly over Illidan from the moment she first saw him. Spending 10,000 years tormenting him and chasing him across the world? She was actually just trying to turn him back from the path of evil. Yes, really.
I know you can't see me right now, but I am raging so very hard.
Oh, and suddenly she's in the infirmary because she's sick with a possibly fatal case of plot advancement.
She stays comatose for like a month and there is much angst.
But, ofc, right when Wussidan's about to mercy-kill her, she sits up and is like "ohai what'd I miss"
And there was much rejoicing. Yay.
So then Vashj and Akama are having a meeting and presumably actually getting shit done. Kael walks in and is like, 'MY DAUGHTER LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT HER,' because that's what all fathers do to everyone they meet, amirite.
Vashj is like STFU but then Akama remembers his own spawn and heeey guess what? Having a kid does not automatically make characters more engaging.
Vashj then walks in on our main couple doing ~something naughty~ and hurries out. But it turns out it was just a massage. Oh ho ho, how clever. Also, Maiev is describes as being "as nude as a sky clad Night Elf picking herbs" which might just be the best similie ever.
In the next chapter, it's revealed that Maiev has actually been sending information to the Cenarion Circle and actually hates having been derailed into a perfect little housewife. What is this? A bit of in character-ness? Clearly she needs to get laid, to put her back in her perfect womanly place!!1!
So yeah.
We all know what happens next.
They go at it for TEN HOURS.
TEN FUCKING HOURS WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK ON A CRACKER
PHYSIOLOGY DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY
And then Kael'thas bursts in and is like "WE HAVE A SPY!!!"
"GENTLEME- screw this, I'm outta here."
So Kael'thas prances off and shoots up fel magic (I am not kidding here). And then he kills his wife and injures his daughter. Yes, kill them all. KILL THEM ALLLLLLLLLL.
And then Illidan and Maiev have a shouting match that leads to her running angstily away.
Aaaaaaaaaand then the raid comes and kills Illidan, presumably to free him from this clusterfuck of a fanfic.
And then Kael's wife isn't actually dead so she and Maiev prance off to Booty Bay.
There is some sentimental sappy crap.
THE END.
BONUS FANFICTION: draenei with bluejeans.
So excuse me if I seem a little too murderous.
In my last post, I said that as far as brain-frying awfulness goes, the Shrewpit has been rather slow lately.
I might've doomed us all, WCS.
This fic here requires a bit of explanation. I was derping around FF.net when I stumbled upon this, and was rather puzzled. It had all the trappings of a badfic, but there was something... missing. I figured that this little piece here wasn't the whole story, and so I took a brief dig through the author's other works.
And then I found this. And I wept.
So Maiev Shadowsong walks into a bar. And she's pregnant. With Illidan's child. And said child is apparently going to be some being of great evil. And the barkeep says, "what is this, some kind of joke?"
FLASHBACK TIME.
Inspector Yandere is in her cell in the Outlands, being all 'herpidy derpidy do~" and then Wussidan prances in and is like "HEY THERE MORTAL ENEMY WANNA HAVE SEX"
and Maiev is like "WHAT, LIKE MUTUALLY-DESTRUCTIVE FOEYAYISH HATESEX"
and Wussidan's all like, "ACTUALLY I WAS THINKING MORE ALONG THE LINES OF LOVING BABYMAKING RAINBOWCUPCAKEPONYSEX."
LIKE SO.
And so Inspector Yandere is like "NO FUCK OFF I HATE YOU," and then collapses crying in his arms because THAT'S WHAT WOMEN DO AMIRITE.
Oh yes. It seems that Miss Shadowsong has been beaten half to death with the Chickification stick in this fic. She lashes out then collapses sobbing rinse repeat, she simpers and sighs, and SHE FUCKING GIGGLES.
I WILL CANNIBALIZE YOUR OFFSPRING, AUTHOR. I WILL GOBBLE THEM UP IN A BIG TASTY STEW.
/ahem
So anyways Maiev is like 'OKAY FINE I'LL BE YOUR ETERNAL FUCKBUDDY HAPPY NOW'
And then Wussidan gives her a necklace and a nasty neck wound.
The author explains that this is all a part of Nelven mating rituals, to show that the woman belongs to her mate and now must serve him forever.
...Matriarchy? What matriarchy?
Also, it seems that between TFT and TBC, the Black Temple has been converted into a daycare center. No, really. There are belf and naga children skipping about playing games, and Akama has been telling them all stories like a fat jolly old toymaker.
FACEPALM. APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD.
He knew Maiev wasn't your traditional Night Elf and care about raising babies and getting pregnant. She seemed more like a woman who would talk about the best way to make a prisoner talk or maybe even her favorite way to snap someone's neck in half.
NIGHT ELVES: you're doing it wrong.
So we're introduced to Kael'thas' half-kaldorei daughter. Her purpose in this story will be to pop up now and then and vomit saccharine all over everything. She also has the ability to reduce two long-suffering, angry-at-the-world antiheroes into squeeing cooing teddy bears, because babies make everything better.
I hate this little twit. I hate her so very much.
So Illidan and Kael start bitching eachother out about cupcakes, of all things. But then Maiev bursts in all like "WHAT THE DEVIL IS GOING ON IN HEEEEEEEEERE" and defuses the situation with her 'female fury.'
That's the thing about the ladies in this fic. If they were any more stereotypical and awful, they'd be tied to rocks and used as seamonster bait. They flicker between being shrews and being good little housewives. They threaten to withhold sex, and then demand it. It's... vaguely offensive, to say the least.
So anyway, Maiev's taken to calling her archenemy 'Illybeans' now, and is like, 'YOU. ME. BED. NAO,' but Wussidan's like 'NAH L8R.'
And so we get a brief argument between Wussidan and Kael's wifey. It has no effect on anything.
And then Maiev pops in and they engage in heavy petting and apparently you can tell someone's lifestory by tasting their blood which is kind of strange and oh yeah Illipants has an eighteen inch dong.
excuse me, but whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Maiev decides that she doesn't really feel like getting an impromptu hysterectomy, and so she runs away to hide in a corner and contemplate her navel.
And, as it turns out, she's been all schoolgirly over Illidan from the moment she first saw him. Spending 10,000 years tormenting him and chasing him across the world? She was actually just trying to turn him back from the path of evil. Yes, really.
I know you can't see me right now, but I am raging so very hard.
Oh, and suddenly she's in the infirmary because she's sick with a possibly fatal case of plot advancement.
She stays comatose for like a month and there is much angst.
But, ofc, right when Wussidan's about to mercy-kill her, she sits up and is like "ohai what'd I miss"
And there was much rejoicing. Yay.
So then Vashj and Akama are having a meeting and presumably actually getting shit done. Kael walks in and is like, 'MY DAUGHTER LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT HER,' because that's what all fathers do to everyone they meet, amirite.
Vashj is like STFU but then Akama remembers his own spawn and heeey guess what? Having a kid does not automatically make characters more engaging.
Vashj then walks in on our main couple doing ~something naughty~ and hurries out. But it turns out it was just a massage. Oh ho ho, how clever. Also, Maiev is describes as being "as nude as a sky clad Night Elf picking herbs" which might just be the best similie ever.
In the next chapter, it's revealed that Maiev has actually been sending information to the Cenarion Circle and actually hates having been derailed into a perfect little housewife. What is this? A bit of in character-ness? Clearly she needs to get laid, to put her back in her perfect womanly place!!1!
So yeah.
We all know what happens next.
They go at it for TEN HOURS.
TEN FUCKING HOURS WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK ON A CRACKER
PHYSIOLOGY DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY
And then Kael'thas bursts in and is like "WE HAVE A SPY!!!"
"GENTLEME- screw this, I'm outta here."
So Kael'thas prances off and shoots up fel magic (I am not kidding here). And then he kills his wife and injures his daughter. Yes, kill them all. KILL THEM ALLLLLLLLLL.
And then Illidan and Maiev have a shouting match that leads to her running angstily away.
Aaaaaaaaaand then the raid comes and kills Illidan, presumably to free him from this clusterfuck of a fanfic.
And then Kael's wife isn't actually dead so she and Maiev prance off to Booty Bay.
There is some sentimental sappy crap.
THE END.
BONUS FANFICTION: draenei with bluejeans.