Two for the price of one
Today's entry is steaming fresh off of the offal wagon, folks. It was posted maybe a couple of hours before I found it. In fact, It was updated while I was writing this post. Yay?
Anyways, it's also amusing becuse its both a weird chracter profile and a nonsense fanfic at the same time. Double yay?
Title: Character Sotry: Chaude (Character profile here)
Author: ChaudeW
Name: Chaude Winchester
Species: Human
Hair: Brown
Eyes: Greyish-Blue
Canon Connections: Related to the Arathi royal bloodline
Special Abilities: Gets appointed the leader of some random army force for... no real reason. Is slowly turning into an undead of some sort.
Poessions: A family herlom cloak and mysterious necklace.
Origin: Was enrolled in a millitart academy during his teens and came "third in his class". From there, he wound up in Stormwind, mananging to avoid the Brane-Eating in Lordaeron, where at the advanced age of 22, he finished his training and was apprenrtly instantly promoted to the rank of "Lord" and given command of a brand-spanking new millitary unit. He fought some undead at the "Arathian Wall" which resulted in his going into a coma or something for two weeks. After that, he found that he was turning into an undead.
Notes:
Given that he uses it as a key location of his story, would it have killed our author to do the three seconds of research needed to find out that it's called Thoradin's Wall? Of course, that's not the biggest of the problems with this sotry, not by a long shot. Its just the one that sticks in my craw for no readily apprent reason.
His background has another of the great howlers that seems to come up all too often. His mother would always take Chaude on vacation to see the different races in Azeroth, while telling him about the historical and social contexts the dwarfs, gnomes, night elves, and on a rare occasion, the now-a-day blood elves. Remember, Humans didn't know aobut Night Elves before the Third War. Certainly there's the matter of that ocean in the way...
Of ocurse, I'm also going to question some of the logic behind this guy's background. He enrolled in a millitary academy sometime before the fall of Lordaeron, which would have made him maybe 15 to 17 at the time. He picks up his millitary edumacation ion Stormwind and graduates... only to be instnatly promoted to the command of a newly-formed unit. Whut? I'd love to know what logic prompted this decision. Judging form his character picture, I would say that they were not motivated by his dashing good looks.
Not that the rest of it is much better. The writing has very short, choppy scenes and only the most bare minimum of characterisation. Everyone is identified soley by the armour that they ear and, on occasion, their hair colour, but that's the limit of it. (Its also osmewhat amusing as I expect him to start lisitng the indvidual parts of it. "And Alvis the Mage who was wearing a Fancy Hat of Intellect") However, since the chracterisation is so shallow, the chracters are all pretty much identical, with only the colour of their armour to tell them apart. Or at least, for those who can be bothered keepign track of them.
The rest of the story is pretty much a trainwreck. The authour uses short, clipped sentances with only the bare minimum of description. He also constnatly switches tenses (Sometimes within sentances!) which is a little jarring, to say the least.
The epic battle of the "Arathian Wall" is probably the worst part of it, however. Besides a compltel inability to write action scenes, the both sides strategy makes no sense whatsoever. First up, the Scourge, rather then attacking this newly-arrived force beofre they can dig in and prepare, instead give them two weeks to settle in, establish their forces and fortifiy their position. Why?
Of course, Chaud's plan is no better. His strategy for the defence of a fortified position seems to ocvnsist of letitng his melee guys run in and keeping his archers in reserve to bombard the enemy after they've closed in with his front line. Please tell me how this makes any sense whatsoever. He still seems earnestly surpised when his defence fails and his men are massacered, and doubly so when he's discharged for incompitence.
On the upside, it has the best simulation of a ninja guild invite I've ever seen.
Excerpts:
Many of the soldiers from the Stormwind Paladin Brigade (SPB), Stormwind Hunter Brigade (SHB), Stormwind Mage Brigade (SMB), and the Stormwind Warrior Brigade (SWB) are all tired from their long march from Stormwind to Arathi. I'm sure this organisation makes sense to somone
Everybody who signed up for this expedition were either classified as a warrior, mage, hunter, or a paladin. Stormwind wasn’t taking any chances with its regular infantry and knight troops on this trip. So they sent out expendable extras instead
In a semi-dark hall, Semi-dark?
Well then, I’ve assembled all of you after the General’s talk to assign duties while we wait for our main duties from the General to be issued. I'm going to hand out some arbitrary orders now
Lieutenant Knight Roland and Elizabeth’s teams will guard the front entrance of this wall for any possible attacks, while Lieutenant Devin’s group will ensure that the peasants are protected from any harm. Lieutenant Abigail’s team will setup the camp site before having the first break. Each group will rotate to make it all fair. As opposed to, say, each focusing on whatever duty they'd be bet suited to, I suppose
The gargoyle that managed to survive Stormwind’s defenses long enough to tell us that the Lich King was going to destroy the Forsaken and us as well caused one hell of a stir in Stormwind. I get the feeling we've missed something incredibly important here
Do you think we can really handle either forces with a couple or so hundred soldiers in our army? Sure, if given sufficient breaks to Mana up
Do we even have the resources to last a couple of months if there would be an intense besieging from the enemy? And again in English please?
“…Well, we’re going to get some more troops in a while, but, has the walkie-talkies been distributed yet?” Now is the point where I just stop and scream WHAT?!?! at the top of my lungs
Glad you asked. This Razzle-Dazzle Ultra-Super-Dupper GG2000 walkie-talkie allows you to communicate with not only your troops within your brigade, but with the other lords and the General on different frequencies And, frankly, that seems jsut a bit too much for Gnome steampunk tech. It should be, I dunno, the size of a Buzzbox and require a constnat stream of Dingo Kindeys to stay powered or something...
“Very true, however, there are three passages so far that we’ve researched where only someone from the royal Arathian line can read it. Notably, the only proper elite with such knowledge would be you, son of the house of the Windchesters.” And he's related to the Arathi line. Lothar would like a word with you, young man...
“Hmmm, ‘The time T’wis come when all of the land will be covered in a black blanket of death. Death’s dancers T’ill come charging not only in the dead of night, but in thy life of day. Beware ye all mortals. Death’s dancers can curse ye by mere glance of thy eye, and turn ye into an undead. Thy only way to seal our impeding doom is to use light’s blessing, thy blade of harmony, Amateria. T’ith thy light’s blade, ye can control the demonic blade, Frostmourne, and together, can cast thy undead into thy light and forevermore banish them to thy realm of eternal purity.’ Hmm, the rest of the passage is scribbled, he must’ve been in a hurry.” Wonder why he used his kidney as a comma...
“Lord, you mentioned that the land would be covered in death. Is that referring to the Scourge taking over Lorderon in Tirisfal Glades a few years ago?”
“Indeed Lieutenant, and our formerly beloved Prince Arthas had succumb to the power of Frostmourne, the demonic blade of doom,” Lady Waters replies. Weren't you paying attention?
“Lord Windchester, Lieutenant, I’ve had a strange feeling ever since we got here that something will happen soon. Please keep your guard up.” I've got a bad feeling aobut- *smack*
…In the dark reaches of Shadowfang Keep, a black knight with a bone-chilling claymore with skulls across the handle and an eerie blue light emitting from the blade gets up from his throne. And got an angry glare from Arugal who was wondering who this interloper was and why they were in his favourite comfy chair
“Do not underestimate them Death Lord! I will give you as special task during the assault. Wait two full weeks before starting the attack, understand?” of course, it would make snese to attack them now and wipe them out befroe they're able to settle in, but heyt, I don't wield the Gnawed Bone of Authrity around here
Aaah, haaaah, haaah ACTING
…Two weeks has passed since the then. The Arathian Wall is already repaired, and the frontal wall and rear wall are erected but the offensive capabilities are still on the to-do list See? You gave them two weeks and now thy're ready for you. Dumbarse
Sitting down for the meeting, the General gets up and walks over to a painting of the late Prince Arthas He's still alive... sorta... though I have to wonder why youd have a paiting of him up...
“Good, tell your men to relax while the sun is still shining bright. Who knows when the Undead or even the Horde will show up next. Dismissed.” Can anyone spot the contradition here?
“Even so, haven’t you all been having the feeling like a…like a shadow has fallen upon us?” The threat of the Scourge looms over us like a VAST PREDATORY BIRD
my Lady wants you to come to the Anti-chamber to meet her for a bit. Is an Anti-chamber like the Anti-Monitor?
“Yeah, yeah…‘T’hile thy lowly undead can be defeated with physical, mystical, and holy powers, thy Death’s dancers, or Death Knights as some call thy as of late, are harder foes to defeat. Thy unholy powers allow thy’th to move swift as the wind in battle. One should avoid thy if thy T’ants to live.’ And the rest is illegible.” Nope... you can kill a Death Knight by poking it. It just isn't that easy...
A ghost appears and begins to wail. Return the Slab...
“Yes…the Undead is approaching. Ye can’t win without the Amateria…” That sounds like a Fetch Quest to me
“Damn you! I won’t forget this!!” yelled Grandor as he quickly gets up and runs away. I'll get you next time, Gadget! Next time!
Taking a peek around with a stiff neck, he notices beds lined up along each side of the room, a flowering plant on the nightstand next to him, and white linen and sheets on each of the beds. I hate this place
From that moment on, Chaude's fate has been decided. Having found the allies he needs, he just needs to find Amateria, if he wishes to see himself in his old age, and not some zombie or Forsaken that needs to be destroyed.
The next day the small band left Stormwind, and the long journey to solve life’s mysteries has just begun. Spot all the tense changes, I dare ya.
The sleeping blade, Amateria, where it is said to be surrounded by pure light, could mean only one place possible for a mortal to travel to...Northrend. Perhaps the blade of purity is in a cave of clear ice, surrounded by shimmering crystals, he ponders as of late. To Chaude, there is only one way to find out though... And it'll really suck to be you if WotLK is delayed...
Anyways, it's also amusing becuse its both a weird chracter profile and a nonsense fanfic at the same time. Double yay?
Title: Character Sotry: Chaude (Character profile here)
Author: ChaudeW
Name: Chaude Winchester
Species: Human
Hair: Brown
Eyes: Greyish-Blue
Canon Connections: Related to the Arathi royal bloodline
Special Abilities: Gets appointed the leader of some random army force for... no real reason. Is slowly turning into an undead of some sort.
Poessions: A family herlom cloak and mysterious necklace.
Origin: Was enrolled in a millitart academy during his teens and came "third in his class". From there, he wound up in Stormwind, mananging to avoid the Brane-Eating in Lordaeron, where at the advanced age of 22, he finished his training and was apprenrtly instantly promoted to the rank of "Lord" and given command of a brand-spanking new millitary unit. He fought some undead at the "Arathian Wall" which resulted in his going into a coma or something for two weeks. After that, he found that he was turning into an undead.
Notes:
Given that he uses it as a key location of his story, would it have killed our author to do the three seconds of research needed to find out that it's called Thoradin's Wall? Of course, that's not the biggest of the problems with this sotry, not by a long shot. Its just the one that sticks in my craw for no readily apprent reason.
His background has another of the great howlers that seems to come up all too often. His mother would always take Chaude on vacation to see the different races in Azeroth, while telling him about the historical and social contexts the dwarfs, gnomes, night elves, and on a rare occasion, the now-a-day blood elves. Remember, Humans didn't know aobut Night Elves before the Third War. Certainly there's the matter of that ocean in the way...
Of ocurse, I'm also going to question some of the logic behind this guy's background. He enrolled in a millitary academy sometime before the fall of Lordaeron, which would have made him maybe 15 to 17 at the time. He picks up his millitary edumacation ion Stormwind and graduates... only to be instnatly promoted to the command of a newly-formed unit. Whut? I'd love to know what logic prompted this decision. Judging form his character picture, I would say that they were not motivated by his dashing good looks.
Not that the rest of it is much better. The writing has very short, choppy scenes and only the most bare minimum of characterisation. Everyone is identified soley by the armour that they ear and, on occasion, their hair colour, but that's the limit of it. (Its also osmewhat amusing as I expect him to start lisitng the indvidual parts of it. "And Alvis the Mage who was wearing a Fancy Hat of Intellect") However, since the chracterisation is so shallow, the chracters are all pretty much identical, with only the colour of their armour to tell them apart. Or at least, for those who can be bothered keepign track of them.
The rest of the story is pretty much a trainwreck. The authour uses short, clipped sentances with only the bare minimum of description. He also constnatly switches tenses (Sometimes within sentances!) which is a little jarring, to say the least.
The epic battle of the "Arathian Wall" is probably the worst part of it, however. Besides a compltel inability to write action scenes, the both sides strategy makes no sense whatsoever. First up, the Scourge, rather then attacking this newly-arrived force beofre they can dig in and prepare, instead give them two weeks to settle in, establish their forces and fortifiy their position. Why?
Of course, Chaud's plan is no better. His strategy for the defence of a fortified position seems to ocvnsist of letitng his melee guys run in and keeping his archers in reserve to bombard the enemy after they've closed in with his front line. Please tell me how this makes any sense whatsoever. He still seems earnestly surpised when his defence fails and his men are massacered, and doubly so when he's discharged for incompitence.
On the upside, it has the best simulation of a ninja guild invite I've ever seen.
Excerpts:
Many of the soldiers from the Stormwind Paladin Brigade (SPB), Stormwind Hunter Brigade (SHB), Stormwind Mage Brigade (SMB), and the Stormwind Warrior Brigade (SWB) are all tired from their long march from Stormwind to Arathi. I'm sure this organisation makes sense to somone
Everybody who signed up for this expedition were either classified as a warrior, mage, hunter, or a paladin. Stormwind wasn’t taking any chances with its regular infantry and knight troops on this trip. So they sent out expendable extras instead
In a semi-dark hall, Semi-dark?
Well then, I’ve assembled all of you after the General’s talk to assign duties while we wait for our main duties from the General to be issued. I'm going to hand out some arbitrary orders now
Lieutenant Knight Roland and Elizabeth’s teams will guard the front entrance of this wall for any possible attacks, while Lieutenant Devin’s group will ensure that the peasants are protected from any harm. Lieutenant Abigail’s team will setup the camp site before having the first break. Each group will rotate to make it all fair. As opposed to, say, each focusing on whatever duty they'd be bet suited to, I suppose
The gargoyle that managed to survive Stormwind’s defenses long enough to tell us that the Lich King was going to destroy the Forsaken and us as well caused one hell of a stir in Stormwind. I get the feeling we've missed something incredibly important here
Do you think we can really handle either forces with a couple or so hundred soldiers in our army? Sure, if given sufficient breaks to Mana up
Do we even have the resources to last a couple of months if there would be an intense besieging from the enemy? And again in English please?
“…Well, we’re going to get some more troops in a while, but, has the walkie-talkies been distributed yet?” Now is the point where I just stop and scream WHAT?!?! at the top of my lungs
Glad you asked. This Razzle-Dazzle Ultra-Super-Dupper GG2000 walkie-talkie allows you to communicate with not only your troops within your brigade, but with the other lords and the General on different frequencies And, frankly, that seems jsut a bit too much for Gnome steampunk tech. It should be, I dunno, the size of a Buzzbox and require a constnat stream of Dingo Kindeys to stay powered or something...
“Very true, however, there are three passages so far that we’ve researched where only someone from the royal Arathian line can read it. Notably, the only proper elite with such knowledge would be you, son of the house of the Windchesters.” And he's related to the Arathi line. Lothar would like a word with you, young man...
“Hmmm, ‘The time T’wis come when all of the land will be covered in a black blanket of death. Death’s dancers T’ill come charging not only in the dead of night, but in thy life of day. Beware ye all mortals. Death’s dancers can curse ye by mere glance of thy eye, and turn ye into an undead. Thy only way to seal our impeding doom is to use light’s blessing, thy blade of harmony, Amateria. T’ith thy light’s blade, ye can control the demonic blade, Frostmourne, and together, can cast thy undead into thy light and forevermore banish them to thy realm of eternal purity.’ Hmm, the rest of the passage is scribbled, he must’ve been in a hurry.” Wonder why he used his kidney as a comma...
“Lord, you mentioned that the land would be covered in death. Is that referring to the Scourge taking over Lorderon in Tirisfal Glades a few years ago?”
“Indeed Lieutenant, and our formerly beloved Prince Arthas had succumb to the power of Frostmourne, the demonic blade of doom,” Lady Waters replies. Weren't you paying attention?
“Lord Windchester, Lieutenant, I’ve had a strange feeling ever since we got here that something will happen soon. Please keep your guard up.” I've got a bad feeling aobut- *smack*
…In the dark reaches of Shadowfang Keep, a black knight with a bone-chilling claymore with skulls across the handle and an eerie blue light emitting from the blade gets up from his throne. And got an angry glare from Arugal who was wondering who this interloper was and why they were in his favourite comfy chair
“Do not underestimate them Death Lord! I will give you as special task during the assault. Wait two full weeks before starting the attack, understand?” of course, it would make snese to attack them now and wipe them out befroe they're able to settle in, but heyt, I don't wield the Gnawed Bone of Authrity around here
Aaah, haaaah, haaah ACTING
…Two weeks has passed since the then. The Arathian Wall is already repaired, and the frontal wall and rear wall are erected but the offensive capabilities are still on the to-do list See? You gave them two weeks and now thy're ready for you. Dumbarse
Sitting down for the meeting, the General gets up and walks over to a painting of the late Prince Arthas He's still alive... sorta... though I have to wonder why youd have a paiting of him up...
“Good, tell your men to relax while the sun is still shining bright. Who knows when the Undead or even the Horde will show up next. Dismissed.” Can anyone spot the contradition here?
“Even so, haven’t you all been having the feeling like a…like a shadow has fallen upon us?” The threat of the Scourge looms over us like a VAST PREDATORY BIRD
my Lady wants you to come to the Anti-chamber to meet her for a bit. Is an Anti-chamber like the Anti-Monitor?
“Yeah, yeah…‘T’hile thy lowly undead can be defeated with physical, mystical, and holy powers, thy Death’s dancers, or Death Knights as some call thy as of late, are harder foes to defeat. Thy unholy powers allow thy’th to move swift as the wind in battle. One should avoid thy if thy T’ants to live.’ And the rest is illegible.” Nope... you can kill a Death Knight by poking it. It just isn't that easy...
A ghost appears and begins to wail. Return the Slab...
“Yes…the Undead is approaching. Ye can’t win without the Amateria…” That sounds like a Fetch Quest to me
“Damn you! I won’t forget this!!” yelled Grandor as he quickly gets up and runs away. I'll get you next time, Gadget! Next time!
Taking a peek around with a stiff neck, he notices beds lined up along each side of the room, a flowering plant on the nightstand next to him, and white linen and sheets on each of the beds. I hate this place
From that moment on, Chaude's fate has been decided. Having found the allies he needs, he just needs to find Amateria, if he wishes to see himself in his old age, and not some zombie or Forsaken that needs to be destroyed.
The next day the small band left Stormwind, and the long journey to solve life’s mysteries has just begun. Spot all the tense changes, I dare ya.
The sleeping blade, Amateria, where it is said to be surrounded by pure light, could mean only one place possible for a mortal to travel to...Northrend. Perhaps the blade of purity is in a cave of clear ice, surrounded by shimmering crystals, he ponders as of late. To Chaude, there is only one way to find out though... And it'll really suck to be you if WotLK is delayed...