Such a hiatus filled only by impending sorrow...
I know I havent been here in such a long while. And Im terribly sorry to bother any of you with this awfully terrible self indulgent post about this strange sadness that has attached itself to me lately.
Actually, you'd think I should be happy! My closest friend, and most interesting I shall say, has gotten married to the woman he loves and has been lucky enough to find his one soulmate. The wedding was beautiful, his speech moved the entire room and put to shame the other wedding in the opposite hall (across the creek). Even if their colors were the same! (cheap bastards!) but after their reception I was struck by this terrible sadness. I accounted to the fact there was no one in the house when I returned home, and there wouldnt be until the next, next morning. But, I left on such short notice only said goodbye to the bride and groom (which are the most important, of course! but that left many of the groom's family I had just met w/o a goodbye. Sure they were sloshed but it still wouldve mattered to me. I really wanted to get to know them better, since the groom and I are pretty close, I'd say.
The thing is. Well, you know how they say women cheat EMOTIONALLY when they aren't getting their emotional needs met with their current relationship? I think single women do this as well. My last term paper was about daughters with absent fathers and the effect it had on their relationships with men. It said alot of women would be apprehensive about relationships andwere more likely to have a rebellious relationship with "bad" men because they were..well adventurous, different and well...interesting. But they would ultimately fall HARD for men who were taken, unavailable or just plain not ready for a serious relationship. We are doomed to be heartbroken, it would seem. Self sabotage is a term I use often about what i do to myself.
Im not saying that I wanted to be with the groom in this case, he tended to flatter me and tell me he wanted to cuddle me and hang out and be comforted and Id be confused and apprehensive myself. This was my friends' fiancee and he was being all nice and almost flirtatious with me. Maybe its my lack of relationship knowledge but I didnt know what to do. I sort of withdrew from talking with him for a bit. And it was a bad idea becausethats when he needed the company the most. So we started talking the beginning of the month before he was coming out to America to marry my friend. We joked about me dating his friend or his brother byt he made me swear I wouldnt.which was unfortunate but my poor self esteem knows that would never happen. Also, note; never take a male friend to a wedding inwhich you wish to meet men. Stupid STUPID idea. He is also a great close friend of mine, possibly another reason I was so awfully crushed and lowwhen I returned home. I shall elaborate on this post tomorrow. I am so damn tired.
Team Fortress 2 players today just did a terrible number on me. My self esteem has plummetted to an all time low. Internetters fucking suck. Keep your damn rude comments to yourself, you can hide behind that screen but youll get yours when someone hits you in the fucking face.