The Sky Is Blue, Sun is Shining, Leaves are Fiery But Yet Still Sad
I guess I only have myself to blame but I still end up blaming others for why Im feeling this way.
I could name twenty things that I need to do and need to do NOW and maybe thats why I end up sitting around suppressing them so I can get everything straight. I tried the priority list, important things still get pushed to the bottom; things that will make me smile get pushed to the top.
Thats my problem.
I only want to smile, I dont want to stress, get lonely, feel sad, feel burdened, feel useless, sluggish, unworthy, unwanted.
But somehow I always do.
Somewhere it read in the paper about internal pain, and I feel supremely guilty about sharing my woes when someone who was at least tertiarily related to me committed suicide recently. A superintendent of my former High School who was a ridiculously nice man. The school teachers were on strike for better insurance, more money to fund clubs and sports and a better quality for the school. But, in lieu of this Mr Harrison was going through a divorce and he was in the center of alot of things and for him to do such a thing blasted us away. Its been a very sad week, month for us Ottawans.
And totally, un-comparable but everyone has been having a shitty week.
Ive got a large speech due, tons of math to do and what am I doing? Sitting on DevArt and Livejournal complaining that Im sad.
*sigh*
It always starts with a fight.
I come home to silence in the homefront; thenwith the first step, and lock of the front door I hear words of anger. I hear my name and "SHE" this and "SHE" that. Its always about me, and I say this with a heavy heart not a flaunty conceitedness. I hate it, Im the cause of the fighting. always. I just want to exist but not exist. I want to do my own thing, read for hours, complete some art, do some math, write a speech, learn theatre and things about the environment. Watch some television, cook something fancy, pet the dogs and smile.
I dont smile very often, thats the downfall.
If I do Im away from home, laughing with friends; but is it really sincere laughter if everything else is sucking?
Am I pretending? Do I just babble on about little things just to do something with my mouth besides the frown or indifference?
God...is that the answer?!
Just when things get better, it nose dives. Mean looks resurface, impatience and anger bubble.
How come complacency and normality won't restore. Were we EVER happy? Will it ever be in our grasp?
Is it really because I don't do much around the house? Is it really because I occasionally leave the DVDs on top of the television and not put them away. Or leave the remainder of the silverware in the sink because the soap irritates the (FUCK) out of the psoriasis on my hands? Or maybe because I have some extra things lying around the house.
THIS is the source of so much anger that has grown against me "the slug"?
Im hurt.
I called my mother just to ask her a simple question about what class time I should take Math in next semester and she didn't answer her phone. (I know why, she was setting up for a dance, I understand that. What I dont understand is...)
When her voicemail responded instead I immediately was sad. Like heart plummeting, shoulder slumping, cozying in blankets sad.
I just wanted to hear her voice.
Im almost 21 years old why do I revert back to being so childish in a time of need?
How come I cant just smile?