Stupid Rantings About Inevitable Happenings
So, Danielle's 20th birthday was today. We were among the first people to arrive, Rory and I and the last of the them to leave.
Ive been thinking alot about relationships, life, death, happiness and sex.
I'm thinking Im ready for all of them, save for death. I think Im terrified of death, everytime I think about it I just sort of freeze up and wonder why I am alive, if I am happy and if I died tomorrow would I have lived a fulfilling life? I'm too young to be burdened by the darkness of death, so I will focus on things that I can deal with in the present, meaning the living of my life NOW.
There's no time for sadness and hate, theres only time for living life to its fullest.
Today, at Danielle's party she seemed happy, she drank and sang and danced and even though alot of her close friends in Chicago didnt come, she had a damn good time anyway! She's beautiful and smart and has a good personality. Shes having fun and living it up right now, if she can say shes happy then fine, let her do it!
A couple, friends of Danielle's from Chicago, came and yeah, the guy threw up on the carpet (and the girlfriend cleaned it up without puking, kudos girl!) but when he finally fell asleep next to his woman; they were all curled up together, his arm around her shoulders and nothing could have woken them from their slumber together.
Yeah, it was a drunken slumber but it was still sweet.
So, why am I still such a pussy about things?
Im too afraid to ask for a drink, or let alone just take one, ask for another date, talk to a guy Im interested in, take things further with a boyfriend, GIVE A FUCKING SPEECH, or just be happy with who i am?
I am beautiful, pretty, a good person so, why can't I feel like I am these things?
I really think I should call Dan, but i dont want to use him to feel good about myself... I know I wouldnt USE him like THAT but, in a weird abstract way I would. I think we have alot in common, music wise. I have a bad feeling he was trying to hint about the Incubus song from Light Grenades, Oil and Water. "and oh, we've been trying to mix it up." oil and water DONT mix... maybe im just overreacting though...
*sigh* going to bed.