Fuck You, Little Debbie...
Good evening, fellow users.
A few things have happened but, I'll start with a couple of days ago, I guess.
Topic #1
So, if you know my uncle Herb you will know that I adore him and pretty much admire him greatly. He's an accountant working in Chicago who is in his late forties. He travels the world, lived in Japan for four to six years while in the Marine Corps and does the Tour de France every year even though he knows he won't win. He skiis in Colorado and anywhere else he can and rides his bike courageously to work. He has also been happily single since his early twenties.
Now, my uncle met this woman named Val while putting their bikes in storage in their condo in Chicago. I/We only know what Herb has told us. Shes slightly younger, an artist, bikes and likes alcohol and weed. Really, there's nothing wrong with that.
But also, she's not a family person so, she either prevents Herb from showing up due to plans made with her or, doesn't come to our family get togethers.
My family is nosy and gossipy and I know that. We heard about Val and now that we know, we incessantly take the mickey out of him because of his unknown relationship with this girl! Now, Herb normally travels alone (I'm an exception, we went to San Fran together but, hes my uncle. it doesn't count) and we learned that Val is going with him on vacation! What the fuck?! So, does that mean they are dating???!!! PLUS, they went to the German Festival in Daily Plaza together and ate brats and scnitzel.
We don't talk to Herb as often because of this girl and I'm sad! He doesn't call as often and we only see him at holidays and it sucks!
Now, don't make me out to be a girl with a grudge, I've never met this girl and I'm being a bitch??
She sounds fucking awesome and if she's got galleries and is an artist; fucking bring her on! I'd love to meet this girl she's an artist, we could talk! And, I'll be 21 next year we could have a drink and talk about stuff. I understand about her having a crappy family, really I do. I think very highly of my uncle and am thrilled he found someone (of opposite sex) to be cozy/friendly/intimate with, whatever! I'm ecstatic he has someone like-minded, really I am. But, I desperately want to meet her.
Of course, if one person from the family meets her; gossip WILL ensue and I'm ABSOLUTELY sure that's why he hasnt divulged any information about her to any of us.
*sigh* I also know there is not much I can do and, it makes me sad.
Topic #2
My mother went out to Romeoville 2 weeks ago and took care of her parents while her father had knee-replacement surgery. It was very nice of her and I hope that my children would do something like that for me (IF i have children). Leaving Dan and I at home together; I know I was NOT looking forward to it but, I had to deal with it. So, we cooked for ourselves and made do. We were fine, we talked, watched movies and enjoyed a Tornado Chasers together with glee. Then we watched Hancock and all was well. The day before and of when Mum came home he turned into an asshole. Bi-polar-like he turned into a snarling, impatient asshole and told me I hadn't done anything to clean up. I had straightened, deep cleaned the refridgerator, not to mention fucking decorated the fucking christmas tree (i dont particularly enjoy christmas) by my fucking self) and finally did ridiculous amounts of laundry and dishes. And he (for house work) did nothing. He put up christmas lights... Yano, he didn't even do that! *sigh*
Anyhow, when Mum came home we didn't talk to me. I was crushed! He blatantly ignored me, didn't say hi when he/I came home, didnt speak to me at the dinner table, etc. We recently just got a DVR and I was home when the guy installed it so, I knew a little more about it than Mum OR Dan. So, I messed around with it and ended up accidentally recording more than I wanted to. So, when *mocks* Daaahhhnnnnn is watching something and a notice pops up that something is recording he gets all pissed off at me like I plan every one of them JUST to annoy him. So, this rolls the ball even quicker into a bigger shit ball.
So, we got into it when a notice pops up for something that was about to record. He swears (god damnit), so I get up to stop it from recording. I took a little more time because I was trying to figure out how to limit what I was recording so he stopped being such an ass about it. mostly so i wouldnt have to listen to him. So, I'm switching back and forth between the record list and options and he starts demanding I go back to what we were watching. So, annoyed I say 'Do you want me to fix this or not?!" So he gets all huffy and starts yelling about wanting to do this and that and wanting to wtch football. Yay, really I understand about him wanting to watch football. So, I ask him what time football was on. But, he ignores me and keeps ranting. So, I tried to talk over him because there was something recording from 6:30 to 9:00 and I wanted to fix it so he wouldn't bitch everytime something came up. (I haven't figured out how to watch live tv while something is recording) So, he starts screaming about just wanting to fucking watch the game. So, as soon as he lost his temper I stopped listening to him. Yeah, I made it look like he had my attention but, i wasnt really listening. So, he roughly stands up and storms from the room knocking his chair over. Insert eye roll here. He bitches about me being dramatic? Come on, he's 47; fucking grow up. So, I finally fix the problem. Whatever, it was easy but with his incessant bitching in my ears I couldn't concentrate and do what I needed to do.
If he wasn't so impatient about things and listened to what I was saying or waited for me to figure things out none of this would have happened.
Then, he does EXACTLY what he promised he wasn't going to do the last time we had a family meeting.
Mum presented the fact that he talks about me (loudly) in the next room and I can plainly hear him. Not all the time, but probably 1/4 of the time I get exremely angry; the other times I get severly upset and severly depressed. I fight bewteen screaming "I CAN FUCKING HEAR YOU, ASSHOLE!!!!" and smashing my face into the wall. I usually turn to nails into skin. Its the only thing that calms me. Not enough to REALLY hurt myself but, enough to...yeah.
She (mother) also brought up that he was not helping my self esteem by (to put things simply) being an arse. His parents might have raised him by psychological means but, he cannot raise me like this. I'm severly esteem depraved and after these fights and behind back talking; I look in the mirror and see nothing but the picture he paints of me. As nothing. A selfish ugly fat twenty year old who has fucked up. Its maddening and I get depressed and isolate myself.
So, when you call and want to go out and I decline (im sick, ive got stuff to do, ive got mucho hw, no money) im probably depresed and just want to be alone. It's not you, I promise. (to friends on LJ)
Plus, what hurts the most too is that I love my family. I especially love my new family. I always have but, now thats they are OFFICIALLY my family I love them even more. But, with Dan being such an ass I feel like I can't face them because I hate him so much.
My mother's friend Jane said, "I can't imagine your mother with anyone else," because we were talking about my father, "because she is SO happy with Dan!" And, I reviewed events in my head of her and Dan arguing about my well being and his refusal to be nice to me, and him destroying my things. I smiled and nodded. The only thing I could do to convince her.
I really want this to be resolved; I dont want to have this against him my whole life. I dont want family gatherings to be awkward with downcast eyes on delicious turkey. If you've seen Walk the Line; theres a part in the movie where Johnny Cash invites his ma and pa and June Carter's family to turkey day at his new place. the father attacks him with "you're nothing. your like that tractor stuck in the mud back there." he had a tractor stuck in the mud when he was building his house. so, there was an awkward blaming session and anger. Johnny eventually tries to get the tractor out of the mud he fails because it rolls back into the river and june saves him. As she pulls him out of the river he looks up at her all out-of-breath and says in broken hearted voice, "you should have left me." I burst into tears and saw myself in that river. Trying to prove to the old man that I am something but, I haven't reached greatness because no one has given me any opening or confidence to shine. Heh, i'm even teary eyed now.
There have been countless times where I would hurt myself and beat it into my head (not literally) that he thought I was nothing and if I died he would be glad to get rid of me. That he wouldn't have cared, that he wanted me gone.
He actually joked the other day (not his joy of my death) but, said "...maybe when Steph leaves, (yay!)..." I laughed at the time but, it really brought truth and it hurt deeply that he said it outloud. (i don't remember the beginning or end of what he said) *sighs*
Topic #3
I have started reading Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert and so far its great. This woman has been through severe heart break through her divorce and crashed horribly when her romance fell apart with another man she loved. It's an inspiring book and I cant wait to read on about her finding her true self and I can't wait to see how happy she is at the end. It is a memoir so her life in happiness must have continued!
I haven't reached the end yet, so if you haven't read it yet, no worries I won't give away the ending.
Firstly, shes an amazing writer. Using alot of metaphors to explain what is happening almost as an inside joke. Its amazing, alot like how I write. Then I find that the woman is alot like me, I get these cold shivers and shake my head slowly as each line progresses. However, shes a 34 year old (in the book) and I'm a mere 20 year old without as much experience but, I feel sympathetic for this woman because she reminds me of...well, me!
Okay, next post I'll post more about the book. This is a LONG post.
Long post is long...
<3
Grey