i wish i could talk to you.
something new. something new. something new. something new.
the obvious would be a new job. but really, my job's so easy. i get paid more than i've ever gotten paid. the hours aren't bad. i have the option of talking to a bunch of college kids. most of them seem lame. but occationally one is really cool. as much as i say i hate my job, it's not that bad. i hate every job i have until i get a new one that sucks more.
really i just want some new people... or a new person.
when i became friends with all my michigan city & laporte friends, i was really happy. i felt like i found this whole new group of people that i had so much in common with and it was awesome. but... that was really only a little over a year ago, and it's all different now. everyone's a little different now.
really, i think i just want ONE person. one great person. that i just connect with. that i just get, and they just get me. someone that has at least similar future goals as me, has similar feelings about life. someone i can learn from, but also teach. someone i could move in with and just live a normal life, or someone to runaway and travel the world with. because we'd be okay as long as we at least had each other.
i feel like i already know this person. i feel like i've given him everything i have to give, and i'm willing to keep giving till i'm nothing. i feel like he broke my heart and hurt me more than anyone else ever has ... just ... ever. and he doesn't care or take any responiblity for it. he feels like he had a justifiable reason to turn his back on the one friend that has really honestly been there for him whenever he needed it. and for what ... now i still love him, but i feel like the closeness we had is once gone. i feel like the way i trusted him was broken, and i don't know if he can ever get it back, not that he wants to...
i don't know how i can feel like he's so perfect for me. and he's so certain there's someone better.
my whole life i've felt like everyone was better than me.
but having the only person i realistically want to be with, tell me he knows there's someone better than me ...
i just know he's right.
but where does that leave me? i'm always going to be that to everyone. i think people don't want to be with me because they would be ashamed to be. and i really believe that's true. like ... that's true. i know that. i have to wake up everyday and know that's how people feel about me.
and to know that, i'm sure i've probably felt like that about people or made someone feel that way or whatever ... that makes it so much worse. i don't want anyone to ever feel like that. i don't want to inflict that on people.
really... honestly. if i'm not going to find someone to be in a relationship soon, i just want to be over it. i don't want to think about it, or that constantly be what i'm looking for. i want to disconnect myself from all my bad extreme emotions. i hate being like this.
i want to just appreciate life.
i want to just be happy today.
i don't want to care about what happened before, or what's going to become of this.
i just want to be happy today.
i want to be happy tonight.
but i just want to cry all the time.