the epic romance of a guy with wings on his head and a guy with a porntache
I get so offended when people diss English cuisine. PERHAPS IRRATIONALLY SO, I DON'T KNOW. All I know is sometimes I am unexpectedly patriotic and the Great English Cuisine Argument is one of those times. GRR. ASSUMES FIGHTING STANCE, ETC.
*
Anyway, I am in the middle of compiling a "not too much confusing canon" Steve/Tony rec list for elanorelle (yes! another one ensnared in my web!) and I thought to myself 'well whilst I am here I might as well whip up a quick Steve-and-Tony canon summary for anyone else on my flist who might be interested!' and then somehow it devolved into three pages of overexcited capslock.
So uh, it probably merits its own post, instead of taking up all the room in the upcoming rec list. Warning: may not be an entirely accurate representation of canon.
First things first, these two links will take you far in life: 1) the ship manifesto, and 2) the Avengers primer.
If even that is too much to handle, then all you really need to know is this: so there’s this dude called STEVE and he’s weedy and a bit useless but he has a tender artist's soul so when he can’t join the army (due to weedy weediness) he signs up for the catchily named Super Soldier Serum and HOLY SHIT HE GROWS LIKE 7FT TALL AND HAS MUSCLES ON HIS MUSCLES so he calls himself CAPTAIN AMERICA and sticks little wings to his forehead. Then he goes to war and crossdresses a bewildering amount and has a teenage sidekick called Bucky for some reason. His number one nemesis is this dude called Red Skull who wears a really stupid mask and is a Nazi. Also Steve PUNCHES HITLER IN THE FACE!
Anyway, one day Cap and Bucky are doing awesome patriotic war things and fighting Nazis and maybe crossdressing maybe not, when OH SHIT the aeroplane they’re hijacking or maybe it’s a bomb or something, whatever it is it explodes and Cap plunges into the Arctic or maybe the Antarctic and he is FROZEN INSIDE ICE and Bucky is dead (or is he!!!)
Meanwhile, an uncertain number of years in the future, because time is both wibbly and wobbly, there’s this RICH YOUNG GENIUS WEAPONS MANUFACTURER BUSINESS MAN WITH BAD FACIAL HAIR whose name is TONY STARK and he’s in Vietnam or Afghanistan or somewhere when SHIT GETS REAL and shrapnel from his own! weapons! gets in his chest and blah blah terrorists and he builds a robot suit in a cave with a box of scraps only the dude who was helping him, Yinsen, dies. So Tony is all aw hell naw and he decides to fight crime whilst dressed as a sassy robot.
He also has like A MILLION HEART ATTACKS and loses his company once a month and then he becomes an ALCOHOLIC and RUNS AWAY FROM HOME TO GROW EVEN WORSE FACIAL HAIR AND DELIVER A BABY IN THE SNOW. No joke.
But in the middle of all these heart attacks and snowy babies, he stalks Captain America because he’s a creepy weirdo fanboy. Orrrr Iron Man (who is Tony’s bodyguard, who is really actually Tony. Somehow nobody notices) plus the Avengers - who are superhero squad who don’t actually have anyone to Avenge so they just chill in New York and sometimes fight crime - are on an Arctic or Antarctic exploration when TONY’S PENIS SUDDENLY GROWS INEXPLICABLY HARD and leads them like an aroused Lassie to where Captain America is frozen in the ice.
Captain America is all whoa it’s the future! and Tony desperately humps the inside of his Iron Man suit and it’s the start of a BEAUTIFUL FRIENDSHIP. Cap frets over Tony’s millions of heart attacks and also carries Tony from a burning building when Tony is drunk (but then Tony runs away to hump something to do that whole beard/hobo/snow baby thing) and oh yeah this one time Tony’s armour becomes SENTIENT and FALLS IN LOVE WITH TONY and KIDNAPS HIM TO A DESERT ISLAND TO BE TOGETHER FOREVER and Tony thinks of Captain America and his sexy blue eyes to struggle through the ordeal. Then he has a heart attack.
Also there is this one SUPER-EXCITING TIME where an evil villain who may or may not be Red Skull I can't remember releases this terrible airborne flesh-eating kind of virus and Captain America FALLS DOWN NEAR DEATH whilst fighting evil people and Tony is all NOOO STEVE'S LIFE IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN MINE and takes off his sassy robot helmet to make out with Cap's corpse - I mean, perform the kiss of life. Yes, that's it. The comic art involves lots of dramatic silhouettes of Tony removing his helmet amid swirly purple light and shit, and it's all pretty homoerotic.
Then some stuff happens and the Avengers break up because one of them went crazy and killed some people, bummer. Also destroyed the Avengers mansion in which they were all living like some adorable superhero family! So Steve and Tony reform a new avengers team (aptly called the New Avengers) and they still don’t really have anything to Avenge, but they all crash in Tony’s ace bachelor pad and Spider-Man makes sassy remarks all night long. Also Tony injects himself with this wacky drug that turns him into a human computer so he can access the internet with his brain and all the nerds are superjealous. THEN STEVE AND TONY BREAK UP OH NO it is so sad. There’s also this whole deal with a superhero Civil War and Tony supports superhero registration and Steve is all no let’s not register and things like that, but mostly STEVE AND TONY BREAK UP. They are both really emo about it and they have this fight in the ruins of the mansion that is essentially like sex with fists but not in a fisting way in a punching way.
But before they can graduate from the punching fists to the sexy fisting fists, TERRIBLE THINGS HAPPEN. Steve surrenders because he doesn’t want to smash Tony’s face with his shield (oh yeah Cap has a shield, by the way) and he’s arrested and then he IS SHOT AND DIES SOB. So Tony has a million nervous breakdowns instead of heart attacks (he probably has a heart attack too, I can’t remember) and then Earth is INVADED BY ALIENS WHO LOOK LIKE PEOPLE! The aliens are defeated but Norman Osborne - aka the Green Goblin - kills the Queen on national TV and for some reason that makes everyone forget he’s THE GREEN GOBLIN and they give him Tony’s job as the Director of S.H.I.E.L.D (Strategic Hazard Intervention, Espionage Logistics Directorate) and that’s NO GOOD! So Tony has a big emo hissy fit and decides to delete his brain very slowly so that Norman Osborne won’t be able to steal all his supersecret knowledge about superheroes and/or read his journal and tell all the other superheroes about how omigosh dreamy Tony thought Steve was. THEN TONY IS IN A COMA.
Meanwhile Steve wasn’t actually dead, he was just resting his eyes. Red Skull displaced him in time or reheated him in the oven or something, it’s a bit zany, but hey STEVE IS BACK! (Oh yeah by the way, his sidekick Bucky became a cyborg Russian spy whilst Steve was chilling in the ice and Steve found him kind of at the start of the New Avengersy time and then when Steve died Bucky was all IMMA KILL TONY STARK and so Tony was all “hey Bucky don’t kill me, become the next Captain America instead! You can throw the sexy shield and design a costume that doesn’t have random chain mail and little wings!” and Bucky agreed that throwing the sexy shield would be pretty sexy.) So now there are TWO Captain Americas!
Maria Hill, former Director of S.H.I.E.L.D, delivers Cap #1 a message from Tony and surprisingly it is not “do you like me tick yes/no” - it is actually TONY’S BACK UP BRAIN, because Tony is a human computer and he can do crazy shit like that! So everyone is all “hmm shall we reboot Tony? We’re all varying degrees of pissed off with him for all those Civil War shenanigans, but we do like his facial hair.”
Oh yeah whilst everything has been going on, there was this dude called Thor who was a Norse God and he spoke with a funny font and said thee a lot and at some point he died and then he came back to life! I’m not really sure what happened there, but once he was not dead he decided it would be pretty cool to dump Asgard - his homeland from another dimension - into the middle of Ohio. There is probably some very interesting backstory behind this life choice, but I haven’t read much Thor so your guess is as good as mine. Thor was an Avenger and he was totes BFFs with Steve and Tony but then Tony for some reason during Civil War, whilst Thor was dead, decided building a robot clone of Thor would be a swell idea. THEN THE ROBOT CLONE WENT EVIL AND KILLED PEOPLE. Real Thor was not too happy with this turn of events, when he came back to life, so they are no longer BFFs and it’s sad. Anyway, anyway, Norman Osborne has decided Asgard and Ohio are not meant to be, because he’s a dick or whatever, so he is all HEY S.H.I.EL.D AND ALL THE EVIL SUPERHEROES WHO ARE UNDER MY COMMAND, LET’S TAKE ASGARD DOWN. And S.H.I.E.L.D and all the evil superheroes under Osborne’s command are like “okay!”
Meanwhile, everyone has decided that they like Tony’s facial hair enough to reboot him, but obviously it doesn’t work at first and Stephen Strange Who Is A Sorcerer has to go into Tony’s brain and persuade him to come back to the real world, because when has pure science ever restored someone from a fictional coma? NEVER. So Tony comes back but it turns out his back-up brain is from just before all these Civil War-y, alien invasion-y, Norman Osborne’s zany dark reign-y hijinx occurred so WHO KNOWS WHAT HE PRECISELY REMEMBERS? I don’t, because canon hasn’t got there far yet.
But once Tony is awake and presumably remembers how to pilot his sassy robot suit, he dons said sassy robot suit and him and both the sexy Captain Americas (but Steve Rogers is sexier) and basically every superhero ever trots off to Asgard to take on that wacky Norman Osborne and stop mythical stone masonry from falling on small town Ohio.
… or is it Iowa? It’s probably not important, either way.
What’s important is that Steve and Tony had better have a freaking proper reunion in the next comics and punch each other with their sexy fists or maybe hug each other or maybe just eat bagels, I JUST DON’T KNOW!
P.S. Oh yeah by the way they are married in an alternate universe. NO, SERIOUSLY, THEY ARE MARRIED IN AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE.
*
Anyway, I am in the middle of compiling a "not too much confusing canon" Steve/Tony rec list for elanorelle (yes! another one ensnared in my web!) and I thought to myself 'well whilst I am here I might as well whip up a quick Steve-and-Tony canon summary for anyone else on my flist who might be interested!' and then somehow it devolved into three pages of overexcited capslock.
So uh, it probably merits its own post, instead of taking up all the room in the upcoming rec list. Warning: may not be an entirely accurate representation of canon.
First things first, these two links will take you far in life: 1) the ship manifesto, and 2) the Avengers primer.
If even that is too much to handle, then all you really need to know is this: so there’s this dude called STEVE and he’s weedy and a bit useless but he has a tender artist's soul so when he can’t join the army (due to weedy weediness) he signs up for the catchily named Super Soldier Serum and HOLY SHIT HE GROWS LIKE 7FT TALL AND HAS MUSCLES ON HIS MUSCLES so he calls himself CAPTAIN AMERICA and sticks little wings to his forehead. Then he goes to war and crossdresses a bewildering amount and has a teenage sidekick called Bucky for some reason. His number one nemesis is this dude called Red Skull who wears a really stupid mask and is a Nazi. Also Steve PUNCHES HITLER IN THE FACE!
Anyway, one day Cap and Bucky are doing awesome patriotic war things and fighting Nazis and maybe crossdressing maybe not, when OH SHIT the aeroplane they’re hijacking or maybe it’s a bomb or something, whatever it is it explodes and Cap plunges into the Arctic or maybe the Antarctic and he is FROZEN INSIDE ICE and Bucky is dead (or is he!!!)
Meanwhile, an uncertain number of years in the future, because time is both wibbly and wobbly, there’s this RICH YOUNG GENIUS WEAPONS MANUFACTURER BUSINESS MAN WITH BAD FACIAL HAIR whose name is TONY STARK and he’s in Vietnam or Afghanistan or somewhere when SHIT GETS REAL and shrapnel from his own! weapons! gets in his chest and blah blah terrorists and he builds a robot suit in a cave with a box of scraps only the dude who was helping him, Yinsen, dies. So Tony is all aw hell naw and he decides to fight crime whilst dressed as a sassy robot.
He also has like A MILLION HEART ATTACKS and loses his company once a month and then he becomes an ALCOHOLIC and RUNS AWAY FROM HOME TO GROW EVEN WORSE FACIAL HAIR AND DELIVER A BABY IN THE SNOW. No joke.
But in the middle of all these heart attacks and snowy babies, he stalks Captain America because he’s a creepy weirdo fanboy. Orrrr Iron Man (who is Tony’s bodyguard, who is really actually Tony. Somehow nobody notices) plus the Avengers - who are superhero squad who don’t actually have anyone to Avenge so they just chill in New York and sometimes fight crime - are on an Arctic or Antarctic exploration when TONY’S PENIS SUDDENLY GROWS INEXPLICABLY HARD and leads them like an aroused Lassie to where Captain America is frozen in the ice.
Captain America is all whoa it’s the future! and Tony desperately humps the inside of his Iron Man suit and it’s the start of a BEAUTIFUL FRIENDSHIP. Cap frets over Tony’s millions of heart attacks and also carries Tony from a burning building when Tony is drunk (but then Tony runs away to hump something to do that whole beard/hobo/snow baby thing) and oh yeah this one time Tony’s armour becomes SENTIENT and FALLS IN LOVE WITH TONY and KIDNAPS HIM TO A DESERT ISLAND TO BE TOGETHER FOREVER and Tony thinks of Captain America and his sexy blue eyes to struggle through the ordeal. Then he has a heart attack.
Also there is this one SUPER-EXCITING TIME where an evil villain who may or may not be Red Skull I can't remember releases this terrible airborne flesh-eating kind of virus and Captain America FALLS DOWN NEAR DEATH whilst fighting evil people and Tony is all NOOO STEVE'S LIFE IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN MINE and takes off his sassy robot helmet to make out with Cap's corpse - I mean, perform the kiss of life. Yes, that's it. The comic art involves lots of dramatic silhouettes of Tony removing his helmet amid swirly purple light and shit, and it's all pretty homoerotic.
Then some stuff happens and the Avengers break up because one of them went crazy and killed some people, bummer. Also destroyed the Avengers mansion in which they were all living like some adorable superhero family! So Steve and Tony reform a new avengers team (aptly called the New Avengers) and they still don’t really have anything to Avenge, but they all crash in Tony’s ace bachelor pad and Spider-Man makes sassy remarks all night long. Also Tony injects himself with this wacky drug that turns him into a human computer so he can access the internet with his brain and all the nerds are superjealous. THEN STEVE AND TONY BREAK UP OH NO it is so sad. There’s also this whole deal with a superhero Civil War and Tony supports superhero registration and Steve is all no let’s not register and things like that, but mostly STEVE AND TONY BREAK UP. They are both really emo about it and they have this fight in the ruins of the mansion that is essentially like sex with fists but not in a fisting way in a punching way.
But before they can graduate from the punching fists to the sexy fisting fists, TERRIBLE THINGS HAPPEN. Steve surrenders because he doesn’t want to smash Tony’s face with his shield (oh yeah Cap has a shield, by the way) and he’s arrested and then he IS SHOT AND DIES SOB. So Tony has a million nervous breakdowns instead of heart attacks (he probably has a heart attack too, I can’t remember) and then Earth is INVADED BY ALIENS WHO LOOK LIKE PEOPLE! The aliens are defeated but Norman Osborne - aka the Green Goblin - kills the Queen on national TV and for some reason that makes everyone forget he’s THE GREEN GOBLIN and they give him Tony’s job as the Director of S.H.I.E.L.D (Strategic Hazard Intervention, Espionage Logistics Directorate) and that’s NO GOOD! So Tony has a big emo hissy fit and decides to delete his brain very slowly so that Norman Osborne won’t be able to steal all his supersecret knowledge about superheroes and/or read his journal and tell all the other superheroes about how omigosh dreamy Tony thought Steve was. THEN TONY IS IN A COMA.
Meanwhile Steve wasn’t actually dead, he was just resting his eyes. Red Skull displaced him in time or reheated him in the oven or something, it’s a bit zany, but hey STEVE IS BACK! (Oh yeah by the way, his sidekick Bucky became a cyborg Russian spy whilst Steve was chilling in the ice and Steve found him kind of at the start of the New Avengersy time and then when Steve died Bucky was all IMMA KILL TONY STARK and so Tony was all “hey Bucky don’t kill me, become the next Captain America instead! You can throw the sexy shield and design a costume that doesn’t have random chain mail and little wings!” and Bucky agreed that throwing the sexy shield would be pretty sexy.) So now there are TWO Captain Americas!
Maria Hill, former Director of S.H.I.E.L.D, delivers Cap #1 a message from Tony and surprisingly it is not “do you like me tick yes/no” - it is actually TONY’S BACK UP BRAIN, because Tony is a human computer and he can do crazy shit like that! So everyone is all “hmm shall we reboot Tony? We’re all varying degrees of pissed off with him for all those Civil War shenanigans, but we do like his facial hair.”
Oh yeah whilst everything has been going on, there was this dude called Thor who was a Norse God and he spoke with a funny font and said thee a lot and at some point he died and then he came back to life! I’m not really sure what happened there, but once he was not dead he decided it would be pretty cool to dump Asgard - his homeland from another dimension - into the middle of Ohio. There is probably some very interesting backstory behind this life choice, but I haven’t read much Thor so your guess is as good as mine. Thor was an Avenger and he was totes BFFs with Steve and Tony but then Tony for some reason during Civil War, whilst Thor was dead, decided building a robot clone of Thor would be a swell idea. THEN THE ROBOT CLONE WENT EVIL AND KILLED PEOPLE. Real Thor was not too happy with this turn of events, when he came back to life, so they are no longer BFFs and it’s sad. Anyway, anyway, Norman Osborne has decided Asgard and Ohio are not meant to be, because he’s a dick or whatever, so he is all HEY S.H.I.EL.D AND ALL THE EVIL SUPERHEROES WHO ARE UNDER MY COMMAND, LET’S TAKE ASGARD DOWN. And S.H.I.E.L.D and all the evil superheroes under Osborne’s command are like “okay!”
Meanwhile, everyone has decided that they like Tony’s facial hair enough to reboot him, but obviously it doesn’t work at first and Stephen Strange Who Is A Sorcerer has to go into Tony’s brain and persuade him to come back to the real world, because when has pure science ever restored someone from a fictional coma? NEVER. So Tony comes back but it turns out his back-up brain is from just before all these Civil War-y, alien invasion-y, Norman Osborne’s zany dark reign-y hijinx occurred so WHO KNOWS WHAT HE PRECISELY REMEMBERS? I don’t, because canon hasn’t got there far yet.
But once Tony is awake and presumably remembers how to pilot his sassy robot suit, he dons said sassy robot suit and him and both the sexy Captain Americas (but Steve Rogers is sexier) and basically every superhero ever trots off to Asgard to take on that wacky Norman Osborne and stop mythical stone masonry from falling on small town Ohio.
… or is it Iowa? It’s probably not important, either way.
What’s important is that Steve and Tony had better have a freaking proper reunion in the next comics and punch each other with their sexy fists or maybe hug each other or maybe just eat bagels, I JUST DON’T KNOW!
P.S. Oh yeah by the way they are married in an alternate universe. NO, SERIOUSLY, THEY ARE MARRIED IN AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE.