259 - "I don't understand..."
[Private]
I don't understand myself sometimes.
I don't want to tell Kara that, though. As it is, I'm worried I'll drive her away or just scare the frak out of her. She's married to a Cylon. Not any Cylon, of course, but one the Final Five Cylons. Yeah, I'm sure she was really looking forward to that when she signed up for this deal back on New Caprica when she grabbed me and the preacher that morning and we got hitched.
I've been thinking back to every frakking move I've made and wondered if I'm programmed. What if shooting Felix wasn't my own decision? What if I did it because it was part of their plan? And who can I talk to about this? Tigh? Tyrol? Tory? No frakking way. They're all crazier than me right now.
But then I think back to my memories of school, of the C-Bucks, of the Resistance. It all makes sense, unless they're not real. So how do I know if they are or if they're not?
I heard that Hera, Athena's kid, went to a doctor for some nightmares. I've thought about it, but I don't want anyone to know. Sure, Lee did that pardon after we joined forced with the Cylons to find Earth, and said basically that I could stay here on Galactica or go with the Cylons. Pretty much a no-brainer right there. I had to stay here. It's all I know and everything I want is here. So, when I got in that Viper on my first run and I swear that Raider scanned me somehow, did that stop their attack? Did I do that because of what I am, or am I imagining it all like Tigh said?
Frak if I know. But if I let Kara know how much this is eating me up, I'll lose her. She's frakked up enough as it is, considering she died and somehow isn't dead now. And then with her leading us to Earth and what we ended up finding there? Yeah, she doesn't need any of my problems on top of hers.
I just wish I knew what I am, because I don't want to be like Boomer with that switch going off, the way Tyrol said. I just want to be Sam Anders again, and I don't know if I can be anymore.
Muse: Samuel T. Anders
Fandom: Misc. TV/"Battlestar Galactica"
Word Count: 394
I don't understand myself sometimes.
I don't want to tell Kara that, though. As it is, I'm worried I'll drive her away or just scare the frak out of her. She's married to a Cylon. Not any Cylon, of course, but one the Final Five Cylons. Yeah, I'm sure she was really looking forward to that when she signed up for this deal back on New Caprica when she grabbed me and the preacher that morning and we got hitched.
I've been thinking back to every frakking move I've made and wondered if I'm programmed. What if shooting Felix wasn't my own decision? What if I did it because it was part of their plan? And who can I talk to about this? Tigh? Tyrol? Tory? No frakking way. They're all crazier than me right now.
But then I think back to my memories of school, of the C-Bucks, of the Resistance. It all makes sense, unless they're not real. So how do I know if they are or if they're not?
I heard that Hera, Athena's kid, went to a doctor for some nightmares. I've thought about it, but I don't want anyone to know. Sure, Lee did that pardon after we joined forced with the Cylons to find Earth, and said basically that I could stay here on Galactica or go with the Cylons. Pretty much a no-brainer right there. I had to stay here. It's all I know and everything I want is here. So, when I got in that Viper on my first run and I swear that Raider scanned me somehow, did that stop their attack? Did I do that because of what I am, or am I imagining it all like Tigh said?
Frak if I know. But if I let Kara know how much this is eating me up, I'll lose her. She's frakked up enough as it is, considering she died and somehow isn't dead now. And then with her leading us to Earth and what we ended up finding there? Yeah, she doesn't need any of my problems on top of hers.
I just wish I knew what I am, because I don't want to be like Boomer with that switch going off, the way Tyrol said. I just want to be Sam Anders again, and I don't know if I can be anymore.
Muse: Samuel T. Anders
Fandom: Misc. TV/"Battlestar Galactica"
Word Count: 394