May 26, 2005 18:06
I really would love to know why she doesn’t like me? Is it because I am selfish or mean? I know I get jealous a lot. What does that have to do with her disliking me? It hurts even more that she said something about my appearance. She could have just left it at my attitude, but to go to my physical features. That hurts me more, like the dagger in my heart just got forced in deeper. My freckles. I am self-conscious. I do not think that is a bad thing is it? I do not like the way I look. Is that a crime, no? Society puts the pressure on you to be thin, or to love that who you are. I want to be thin. I am thin. People have said you should not talk about your weight because you are perfect. I feel great when they say those wonderful comments such as that one. I know in my head that I am not. My upper body is great; it is mainly my legs I hate. Does no one look there or something? They are tremendously HUGE! I still am saying I am mad that she would say something about my freckles. My mom always reassured me that boys just adore freckles. Well obviously they do not at all. If they had, do not you think one of them would have asked me out in my life yet? Well not one, I don’t think one glance, word, look, or thought in their mind was I was cute, sexy, or hot! Does this bother me? YES! It makes me want to rip my head off and yell as loud as a symphony of a million violins playing high G minor!!! To not say it to my face is worse! Just tell it behind my back so I find out through someone else. She has to criticize everyone that doesn’t do something right or her way! And I would never have enough will power to go on a diet or on a workout plan. Not eating is not even a thought, I take that back it is a thought, it is a huge thought in my mind but I know I could never do it. I guess that is a good thing. I am an enormous postpone person. I put everything off; I think in my mind that it will be done better if later. Like I think the whole summer I can read my books at the end, I need to get that out of my little freckled head! I wish I used more descriptive words in my vocabulary. Another thing I push back, I really feel like I am horrible speller so I want to read the dictionary. Sounds crazy, I know. I think it would help me. If I knew words before I got to the dreadful ms. Johnson’s class. What food am I? I do not know. Let me list some of my many personalities:
I am shy; until you get to know me I am CRAZY
I am very enthusiastic.
I love attention.
I like being alone.
When I am with friend I act different then when by myself.
I can be mean if not cared for.
If I feel I am being lied to I stop being nice.
If I don’t like where I am I leave.
I will work hard to make someone satisfied.
I love being the center of attention.
I act different with different types of people.
I am fun to watch.
That is all I can think of at this very moment. I need to work on being nice, releasing my anger, spelling better, looking for the good things in me and in people, stepping into other people shoes, working at McDonalds, getting in shape, and finishing summer hw.
Well know I will make a list of the entire thing I want accomplished by the end of this school year, which is actually just in a few weeks:
1. STRAIGHT A’s! My solution to this, all HW done, study for tests. Sounds easy not for me
2. Think about friends and where they are coming from
3. Try to give my teachers cards for teaching me
4. Change to drama my solution needs to talk to teacher about it.
5. SPELL better in all English assignments.
6. Try to get some kind of boy’s attention to talk to about something for no less then 5 minutes.
7. East good food.
8. RUN AS MUCH AS I CAN!
9. Get friends presents,
I need to go now. Bye
5-20-05 Star Wars, atlas I hope I get to see star wars. I do not know. I guess I have to get into this subject sometime. One word MATTIE. The question is we best friends? She is the only one I am close with. There is kaylee. I guess they were friends when younger, but she is totally taking my spot. She is always talking to Mattie. Mattie is like the center of everything and everybody is trying to get with her. Everyone thought we were best friends; people just have no idea at all. Like they just assume but when you assume you make an ass out of you and me. I really like that saying. Okay, I want to talk about myself. I am not good at confronting, anything. For an example, I guess I am nervous or conscious about other people knowing my grades. When we can check our grades I always hate it. Another is my drama teacher wants me to do advanced. I am 50% into her idea. It just sounds hard to me, at same time is I am already on the teachers good side, it sounds fine to me. I think I might talk register office and ask. First on Monday I will go have a meeting with her at lunch. I will force myself, I will tell her all my thoughts. I am fat. I am going to go and do a small work out after this entry. I will also read something. Maybe something on the Internet. Somewhere I can learn something important.
5-23-05 Analysis of everything the could be analized. Seems a little harsh to ask of me, but then again I think I need some hgelp in the English department and this will help me. So ms.Johnson bring it on I am waiting! I got this scene today; it’s all about love. I would swear she could look inside of me. That is a subject I hate talking about. I am ready for, I really just want to get one stage and pour my heart out. I do not think I can do it worth that scene but I will do my best. I am just getting sick of my life. Mattie is annoying me; every attitude of her bothers me. I think I am not going to eat lunch anymore. I think it would be wise in the phenotypes part, and also I hate wasting the money on food I don’t even touch. I do not want to go to Dominique’s birthday party at all. It does not interest me one bit, and I don’t want to put myself through something I would not like. I am a person and I will not let my feelings or peer pursuer get in the way of that! I hate it when people act like someone who they are not at all! They don’t need to\. Just be who you are. That is one thing I would have to tell everyone. There are so many examples I could give. I am jealous and I do not know how to overcome this. When Mattie talks to kaylee I get jealous. I think it is because when she does I am alone and that’s what I do not like. When Mattie talks to !@#$ or *&^% I get mad. So I am practically always mad because she sits next to &*($. At least I got him in my advisory class. Which I have till senior year!
Danielle