lonely
Well I hate when the holidays come around, I hate it. I hate getting up early, I hate shopping, and I hate how I get so fucking lonely. Christmas was cool, I got just about everything I asked for. I feel so fucking depressed right now, cause im so fucking lonely. And everyone wonders why I am such a fuckin scrooge. But it aint even Christmas that has me completely in the dumps. V-day will be coming soon. I hate not having someone, it makes me feel like everyone else has a "advantage" because they have someone. I mean I am glad that everyone else is happy dont get me wrong. Its just that I have tried so hard in the past months to move forth with my life and find that right person. Or find the miss right at the moment. I guess I am going to be alone for the rest of my life. Which if that is how I am suppose to be, fine I suppose. I dont mind being alone until around this time. I dont know what to do. I think that if I were to get in a relationship with someone it wouldnt seem right to me, not at first. Im constantly questioning myself, and my feelings and i know I cant do that. But I cant help it. I miss the feeling of having someone there no matter what. I miss talking for hours on the phone with someone. I hate this and it pisses me off so much that I just want to put my fist through a wall. I'm sick of it all. Why cant I find someone, what the FUCK is the problem here? And everyone wonders why I dont believe in god, I ask for one simple thing, and I havent gotten it yet, dont think I ever will either. I dont know if I am missing her, or missing just having someone. Im not sure I dont know if I want to know. I have wroked so hard to get to the point of not caring anymore, and I get slammed back to caring, get slammed back right outta the blue. I dont know if there was one specific thing that provoked this or if it was a combination. I dont know anything anymore. All I know is I feel like shit and I dont feel psychically ill, mentally emotionally ill. I so wish I could turn my brain off, erase the memories. Im tired of remembering things that just make me miss them so much more. I cant go on like this, Im about to crack, I can feel it coming, and I have been trying so hard to keep it away, but I cant. Im starting to cry now. I cant help it, and I cant take it or maybe I just dont want to take it. I havent cut in 5 years, impressive for me who cant keep to solid ground, but the scary thing is the past 2 months (and I never told anyone) I have wanted to cut so bad. I mean its like I am having a craving for a cig. Its so powerful and it is always calling out to me. I think shit "Cassie u made it this far, why cant you keep going, why listen to the urge." Why not? I look at the cuts on my hands from the dogs, and I wish I put them there. I wish that when the dog scratched me I felt a sense of release. You know let them do the cutting and make me feel better. But it doesnt work out that way. I better stop writing now, Im crying so much I can barely see, and I am tired of being a whinny little bitch. So I'm outta here.