(no subject)
Well last night was a real weird night. I ended up getting into something. I kind of just get thrown into shit. I don’t know why it keeps happening but it does and damnit sometimes it really pisses me off. I had a very simple task, I knew how to get it done, what to say, and how to approach the "situation". But then the "situation" got flipped. Nearly caused all hell to break loose. I'm so tired right now. I can barely tell the difference from reality and hallucinations at this point. But I'll make my way out of it. Some how I always do. My eye keeps twitching. Grrr. I’m still in pain this makes 8 days I do believe, actually I’m not completely sure because the past 2 weeks have been such a blur, they seem to all run together. I nearly fell asleep cooking my little sisters' breakfast. I wish I had half the energy the dog has. She is running around the house like a fucking nut job. Last night I had a few hours of peace and quite to myself. So I decided that it was a good opportunity to "reflect" on my life. As I normally do I ended up analyzing my life instead of just looking back on it. It was very strange that I can up with reasons for why I did a certain thing and I ended up regretting a lot of the things I did. I realized or actually decided would probably be better to say; that I should start looking at the outcome of certain types of situations before I get involved. It almost seems as if I look at things threw "beer goggles" (I’m using that as an expression I don’t drink everyday ;) ) Anyways I always give people then benefit of the doubt and in most cases I really shouldn't. I sometimes wish I could go back to the way I was in high school, aside from the drug use and all that. But the hardness I had inside of me, you fucked me over your gone, dead to me. Now I am so soft hearted I forgive them but not completely I don't want to upset them, I don’t want to give them a reason to be upset with me. So I shut my mouth and pretend everything is ok. Sometimes a few of the people know that I am not ok with things, but they really make no attempt to try and talk about it or change the things that are still bothering me. Assuming that a few of them are still up to their same old sad ways. But I suppose in a way I feel bad for them because it seems as if they can not see the error of their own ways, they continue on the same destructible paths. Even when I try to help them out it seems they never listen or they never stick to it. So why should I care so much? Why should I bother to waste my time on them?
I'm not talking about every person I know. It is the selective few. It just pisses me off sometimes because they seem to want things to be different, but then afterwards make no effort to change anything. I know ‘Rome wasn’t built over night’.
Onto another subject……
I have been having these weird dreams lately, I looked a few of them up in my dream book but sometimes they details are so sketchy that I can not make a conclusive interpretation. Sometimes it has the same women in it. (Wont say who ;) ) It is very weird though, because they are so happy then I wake up lol. I didn't think I still really cared, but my dreams are telling me different. Well I lost my train of thought so maybe I'll update later.
I'm not talking about every person I know. It is the selective few. It just pisses me off sometimes because they seem to want things to be different, but then afterwards make no effort to change anything. I know ‘Rome wasn’t built over night’.
Onto another subject……
I have been having these weird dreams lately, I looked a few of them up in my dream book but sometimes they details are so sketchy that I can not make a conclusive interpretation. Sometimes it has the same women in it. (Wont say who ;) ) It is very weird though, because they are so happy then I wake up lol. I didn't think I still really cared, but my dreams are telling me different. Well I lost my train of thought so maybe I'll update later.