It was you all along 5/?
"So...did you sleep well?"
Junhyung just barely managed to lift his sleepy eyes from the bowl in front of him gracing the most annoyed look he was capable off. The lost sleep was still lingering on his half open lids and if the person asking him would have been anyone other than Hyunseung,he was sure he would have laughed in his face. It was not so early in the morning,yet only him and the redhead managed to wake up and were for the first time having breakfast together.It felt oddly comfortable having him so close and Junhyung was happy that from an outsider's point of view they would actually look like a couple. A couple...how beautiful that word would have sounded against his dry lips.
For the first time he was actually content,despite the outside appearance .Last night was the first time he could hold him in his arms and safely guard him from any harm,the first time Hyunseung shyly suggested his bed was too hella cold at night even though Junhyung’s bed was the one closer to the window and also the first time he had him cuddle against his warm body,even though Hyunseung kept accusing him of sneaky blackmail tactics. But despite all the happiness in his heart,he was still human and his human body was a bit over the edge of frustration as the redhead kept unconsciously moving against his legs or shifting in such ways it was almost impossible to stop his mind from forming all sorts of images that had one thing in common: hot juicy make-out session.No actually,it went beyond that but he just liked to think his love was above carnal displays.
So eventually he just laid awake in bed,imprinting every detail of the boy’s back in his mind. How the delicate hairs on the back of his head and neck stood up everytime Junhyung breathed hot air against them,how he had the most delicate neck line ,how his soft exhales and inhales almost sounded like a sweet,euphonic melody. He was pretty sure he could come up with the lyrics for it too...they would have been romantic,abstract and calm. A mixture of feelings and beauty he couldn't really describe right now. But he knew for sure his source of inspiration suddenly changed and it was way better than whatever else he had before.
But Hyunseung was also talking loudly in his sleep,screaming,crying,hurting. Ashes of the old burning fire in a kid's hopeful heart still buried somewhere within. And Junhyung’s heart was breaking into small pieces every time the older boy sang a different tune and he just held his body close to his own,singing a soft lullaby in his ears till he calmed down and drifted back to sleep.He couldn't help but love that tune too,he couldn't help but find every little piece of the older boy enticing and hot.He found his own thoughts repulsive but it was the way he really felt and there was no way he could lie about it now,there was no way that he could hide from himself. And he stayed up. Just to be there when Hyunseung's eyes opened.
He just softly groaned in response,moving the bowl aside and placing his head on the table instead. Feeling the pleasing cold surface against his skin,he was finally able to close his eyes , that comfortable black slowly spreading behind his closed lids and enveloping everything in pure darkness. And just then he felt a delicate hand tugging at his hair ,caressing the silken strands ,softly massaging his scalp and he couldn’t help but let out a low purr he never thought himself capable off.
"You should cut your hair."
Hyunseung softly whispered ,simply getting back to his own breakfast and carefully avoiding eye contact.It was a direct statement,it didn't feel like an advice or request ,not even an offense. Combined with the previous caress it became more like a half hearted compliment. Like"it looks good,but not perfect".
Junhyung lifted his head,his cheek already displaying faint shadows of the table patterns. He used his hand for support and just warmly smiled at him.
"Have anything in mind?"
"I don't know ....something short.You have a pretty face ,it would look good on you."
Junhyung’s smile grew wider.
"You find me pretty?"
The older boy stared at him wide eyed. Almost like he was just beginning to realize what he said.And he looked flabbergasted,innocent like a child revealing a secret he promised to keep but simply forgot.
"No. I mean..yes,i do but.I mean,not like a woman but..you ,i mean.Crap!"
Junhyung almost laughed at the redhead’s sudden outburst,the way he turned his head away just a slight bit to prevent eye contact and his cheeks catching this warm red tint that almost looked deliciously alike to strawberry gem. And oh, how Junhyung liked strawberry gem.
"I was just giving you a friendly advice you know like...friends do."
This time the rapper's face got suddenly paler,white creamy color mixing with the deep dark circles ,creating a depressing image of despair. He could almost hear his heartbeat speeding up a bit. Was that a hole in his stomach too? Why did it feel so big and empty?
"What was that?"
And that had Hyunseung staring back at him,biting his lower lip,a question shivering on his chapped lips,not quite daring to escape the safety of his mouth.
"I....how was your first? I mean ...the first guy."
Such innocence poured in a halfhearted question that Junhyung was literally bawling his eyes out at him ,not quite knowing what to answer to that. He actually found it quite funny,despite the recent bittersweet feeling he experienced.
"Heartbreaking,torturous,painful...yet so hot and amazing in the same time.You are my first."
Hyunseung obviously wasn't expecting that. He just stared at him incredulously ,his eyes so close to bathing in hot tears . He was just sensitive like that sometimes,so innocently rubbing his eyes to prevent them from tainting his cheeks,prevent the terrible embarrassment.
So the rapper soundlessly rose from his seat and walked up to where the older boy was siting,face hidden in his palms. He just turned Hyunseung's chair away from the table so he was facing him and grabbed the older boy's trembling chin .He held that precious ,beautiful face in his palms,their eyes locked together,breathing patterns perfectly blending with each other.
"Listen. I am not a man,and neither are you in this crazy relationship. The truth is... I love you,ok?. I love you and i have no idea how this happened or why and i just feel like i'm going crazy.i mean...Fuck! I never thought i would ever be ever saying this to anyone.But now that i am it just...feels so real.All this madness i've been going through since i realized...it suddenly seems much more real. The point is ..i don't give a damn what anybody says. It's not like i can let you go anyway."
And that was the little honest reply that tugged at the older boy's heartstrings. That's when Hyunseung gave up with a loud sigh and his beautiful eyes became wet with liquid feelings,his mouth softly sobbing ,head leaning on Junhyung's chest,hands grasping the back of the taller boy's jacket. And he was just like a child,innocent and sweet and somehow lost in this world that seemed just too big for him alone.
"Why? Why are you doing this? For ...for me."
"Well,believe me Seungie,if i could have made a pick i would have much rather picked Angelina Jolie. Imagine the beautiful mixed kids!"
The redhead just snorted,laughing between heavy tear pouring and even that vulgar sound sounded so delicate rolling on his tongue and escaping past his reddened lips.
"Junhyung?"
"Yea."
"Just...don't give up on me,okay?"
And that's when Junhyung finally understood .It all seemed so crystal clear. The doubt,the confusion...he's seen it somewhere before. In the mirror,in his eyes...back when he just thought this was simply going to vanish like the tide slipping away from the shore in the cold nights on the beach. Back when he hopefully thought he could escape this feeling that was eating him alive now,back when he didn't believe.
Oh yes,he was going to be patient. He was going to wait.
"Never" he replied lifting Hyunseung's chin up again and slowly kissing his swollen lips. It wasn't rushed,nor rough or needy. it was slow,it was soft. It was just what they both needed.
"NOT GOOD.AGAIN"
The small practice room was getting way too filled with the sour odor of sweat and too warm ,too crowded,too noisy ,with millions of chattering voices rising above his own. And he wanted to make them stop,just yell at them and have that silence that enveloped the room just a few hours ago once more. And to make it all even better, he just couldn't focus on his lines and moves no matter how many times he was severely told what he was supposed to do. Words were spinning in his head,mocking him and mixing together till you couldn't even tell where the A ended and the B started anymore. And he couldn't even place one in front of the other even if his life would have depended on it.
He had no contact with Hyunseung in more than two weeks.Not even a mere look,a fortuitous brushing of arms or absolutely anything at all. And there wasn't even a good reason for it. Their tight schedule maybe? Or was it that request of Hyunseung that had Junhyung feeling more nervous than a girl expecting the first kiss she knew was going to come,that had him wondering and stressing and questioning over and over again whether he did anything wrong ,taking each line he ever said and carefully analyzing it till there was nothing else left of it except the dust of doubt in the wind. But after so much time of being of the edge, he realized he actually didn't . Hyunseung just needed time. Time to think, time to focus,time to understand . And he gave him just that.
But despite all his efforts,it was almost impossible to stop what happened next though. Junhyung just had to avoid him somehow, just to make sure he wouldn't just go crazy one day and take the redhead no matter where,no matter when,no matter the consequences or who was watching. Actually,he would have loved to have people watch,to show the whole world what he really felt and that there was no one who could do anything about it. But he couldn't ,because this wasn't just about him.
And oh,how he knew he was frustrated.And even beyond that.. but he was thankful for the possibility of heavenly release at night,thankful that he was able to have Hyunseung,to touch him,ravish him with hot kisses and heavy thrusts ,run his fingers trough his mussed hair and taste his name on the older boy's hot lips. Although that happened only in his dreams ,in the painful silence of his secluded room. It was enough,it kept him sane.
But now here he was...struggling against all those annoying lyrics that kept bouncing around in his head and close to losing the last grip he had on reality just because the redhead was in the same room.it was distressing actually.Distracting...even strangely exciting.
They were getting ready for Hyuna's live stage and of course the girl already had all her steps and lines so well memorized and well ,he...he just sounded much worse than the first time he tried. He wasn't even sure if he remembered how to rap properly anymore or if he was supposed to sound so feeble or he should be worried.
The truth is he really liked the girl. He could clearly remember the first time he was told he was going to shoot "Change" with her...the mere thought of being so close to her just made him go crazy... and man,the way she was moving her body,dancing to the beat,touching him. Well it's not hard to imagine what type of thoughts all that gave a rather straight man . Emphasizing "rather".
But not now. Now it was all so different.Now he could only focus on the fact that his whole crew gathered up there apparently to support him and just ended up making real fools out of themselves.Like always,it just stopped being something unusual a while ago. But how was it that even Hyunseung was learning Hyuna's dance steps ,fooling around under her guidance and moving his body ,following the music,swaying his hips and shoulders and arms like...oh God,how was he even supposed to concentrate on his parts like this?? It wasn't even pressure it was...torture. Pure mental torture and the worse part is he was really enjoying it.
There was nothing he could do but take notice of how flexible he was,how enticing and hot and damnit, what else could the redhead do with those hips?Entangled in the older boy's suave moves,eyes locked on the small curve of his back,gulping at every swing of his body ...he just licked his dry lips thanking all the Gods of fashion for not having to wear tight pants that day. And just then his eyes unconsciously moved up to the older boy's face and he noticed Hyunseung staring back and smirking at him.And the redhead suddenly began moving even more,turning around even faster,looking even hotter and OH GODNESS,what was that? Was he being teased?
He suddenly started feeling rather dizzy and exhausted. Even very uncomfortable. All he could do is ignore the protesting glares arising all around him as he gave up on his miserable rapping attempts and begin the tiring hunt for a comfortable enough bench .He was just lucky enough to find one very close to where he was and wasn't however in the least surprised to find Dooojon there too.He knew very well the man wasn't really into the playful side of his own band so he just usually sat aside when they all went crazy.He once said it seemed safer that way. Junhyung agreed.
The rapper just took the empty spot right next to his,relaxing his stiffen muscles,massaging his stiffen neck. Now that he thought about it,he was numb all over .He couldn't even remember how long has he even been there. He casually took a peak at Doojoon as he was carefully watching ,keeping all the other B2ST members under his scrutinizing gaze.
"Thank you."
Well that was unexpected. He just stared at their leader ,as he flashed his million dollar smile right back at Junhyung.
He didn't say a thing,waiting for Doojoon to fill the remaining blanks. But nothing else happened and he just stayed there,long thin fingers massaging his temples,trying so hard to relax.
"I don't know what you did but he finally looks happier."
And that's when Junhyung finally realized. With one hand still holding his head ,he turned around to face the brunette. Did he really hear that right?
"How am i supposed to know what you're talking about?"
"And you look better yourself. Well not right now,since it kinda seems like you died and came back but..usually i mean. You look. ..happier."
Junhyung just snorted though inside he couldn't help but feel pleased. It was indeed the first time Hyunseung really fit in somewhere and he was smiling more often,laughing out loud without no reason at all and was just generally being insanely fun to be around. He even joined them for breakfast and the crazy saturday night movies even though before he just found them a silly way to waste precious time. He still did,but that's besides the point.
Yes,the redhead was definitely much better than before and Junhyung couldn't help but smile at the thought that he could have somehow had something to do with it .He couldn't help but turn around and look at the older boy again. Just once. A little peek couldn't hurt. But very soon after,he wished he had been gifted with more willpower.
Hyunseung was just practicing Hyuna's body swing and was being pretty good at it too.Too good at it . He felt the sneaky strings of jealousy creeping up inside his heart and hated all those stares the redhead was receiving from people he didn't even know .Admiring stares,but stares nonetheless.
He soundlessly rose from his spot and somehow ,in the general caterwauling ,managed to catch Hyunseung's hand completely unnoticed and drag him along towards the exit.He felt a wave of pure relief run over him as he sensed no resistance whatsoever and even felt the older boy holding his hand tighter. It really was so warm and soft that he felt his whole being becoming suddenly oddly fluid itself.And soon people noticed their absence but it was pointless. No chatter or muffled noise behind closed doors could stop him now.
He roughly pushed him against the wall,the low thud of colliding bodies echoing in the empty hallway. Junhyung kept him steady ,hands holding him tight,legs preventing him from moving. And just when he was sure everything was safe,he sighed,resting his head on the wall, close to the boy's ear.
"Why.do.you.keep.teasing.me.that.way?"
He kept silently panting while trying to stop himself , to control the urge that kept slowly building inside of him,that was leisurely poisoning any rational thoughts he still owned.The urge to just take Hyunseung and make him his.Here and now. No one stopping him,no boundaries,no regrets ,no nothing.
"I said i'll wait but you make it so difficult for me to...oh godness" so he gives up and just drops his hands,letting them rest at his sides and stands there,trying to regain that calm he lost. He isn't even sure how that was supposed to feel anymore.
That's until Hyunseung suddenly grabs him by the collar and forcefully crashes their mouths together, grazing the soft skin in the process.And Junhyung kisses back fiercely ,with all the control he gathered so far suddenly vanished in thin air. His hands curled around the older boy's hips ,desperately pressing their bodies together . And he's deliriously sucking on Hyunseung's lower lip,the redhead's hands playing in his tousled hair,pulling it just a bit harder when the rapper accidentally bites his tongue. And they share hot moans and dirty sounds and it's all so unbelievably vulgar and wrong and yet they just can't bring themselves to think about anything else than each other right now. And then Hyunseung pulls back for air and smiles at him,licking his swollen lips.
"I think i just made up my mind"
One more chapter left. And i don't know whether i should feel sad or excited about it...