Did I do the right thing?
I broke up with my boyfriend last night. I feel like an idiot. I feel like I've abandoned my faith. I feel like I've let down the little girl in me who still believes in true love and happily ever after. I feel like I've made the wrong decision.
On the evening of April 26, 2002, I got a phone call from a now former friend who wanted to introduce me to a friend of his. We talked for a long time even though neither of us really likes talking on the phone and then I drove over to meet him in person. When I walked into the room, I saw a look in his eyes that I used to interpret as love at first sight, but that I now realize is just a very powerful instant attraction. I had seen that look before and it had never led to good things, but I decided to give it a chance anyway. I sat in on his D&D group that night and he kissed me for the first time. From then on we were dating.
Two weeks later, he told me he loved me, but it was another two weeks before I said it back. When we had been together about four months, he proposed and I accepted. A few weeks later he broke our engagement saying that he had simply been over excited about the fact that he finally had someone and wasn't ready for such a commitment. When we'd been together about 6 months, he said, "There's no point in us being together if we're not having sex." In hindsight, since I was saving myself for marriage, or at least a proper engagement, at that time, I probably should have broken up with him then, but years of physical and sexual abuse at the hands of my brother and mental abuse from my first boyfriend had left me with absolutely no self esteem. It took me another 4 months to make up my mind, but I decided that this was probably the only guy who would ever love me and I still planed on marrying him, so I gave in.
Then there were the fights, the canceled plans, and the break ups. There were three breakups and reconciliations before this breakup. And yes, a lot of the fights were caused by me not really believing someone could really love me, which was a direct result of the abuse, but some of them were also caused by real issues and those issues have never been resolved. For example, there was the time I realized my former friend's attitude toward women had been steadily worsening since high school and I could no longer have him in my life, wondering if and when he would attack me; I was sat down and lectured, even yelled at, for that about how it was wrong of me to ask my boyfriend to give up a friend. I admit I didn't handle that situation well, but I still didn't deserve to be yelled at because I was trying to protect myself. And every time plans that had been made with me were in conflict with plans that had been made with family or friends, I was pushed aside, which happened a lot. I don't mind being canceled on every now and then, but when it's as often as it was something's not right. And the constant struggle to get him to even hold my hand. I've been starved for physical affection for nearly nine years because he’s not comfortable with too much contact. He said he loved me and truly cared for me and I believe he believed it, it may even be true, but he sure didn't show it in the way he treated me. All of this stuff sucked, but I am grateful for it because it pushed me into therapy sooner than I would have gone on my own, which led to the restoration of my self esteem.
And so, last night when we talked I said roughly this, "I know in the past I have told you that I'd rather give up on my lifelong dream of getting married and raising a family to be with you than have that dream with someone else; at the time it was true, but as I've gotten older those goals have become more important to me. When I was 18 and you were 20, it was almost expected that you were less ready to commit than I was, it was also expected that you would become more ready to commit as you got older, you still may one day, but now I'm 27, you're 28, and I'm afraid that I can't keep waiting. I need to be in a relationship that is going somewhere. I deserve to be with someone who wants the same things as I do, I deserve to be with someone who talks to me when we have problems, and I deserve to be with someone who keeps plans made with me over plans made with friends. I wish that person could be you, but it isn't. As much as I love you, I don't think we have a future together and I can't be in a relationship without a future." All he did was sweetly remind me that he's always said that he wants me to be happy and if that means being with someone else, he'd let me go; which is exactly what has me questioning my decision. Why couldn't he have yelled, or cried, or done anything else that might have confirmed my decision? Because it was the right decision, wasn't it? Did I do the right thing?
On the evening of April 26, 2002, I got a phone call from a now former friend who wanted to introduce me to a friend of his. We talked for a long time even though neither of us really likes talking on the phone and then I drove over to meet him in person. When I walked into the room, I saw a look in his eyes that I used to interpret as love at first sight, but that I now realize is just a very powerful instant attraction. I had seen that look before and it had never led to good things, but I decided to give it a chance anyway. I sat in on his D&D group that night and he kissed me for the first time. From then on we were dating.
Two weeks later, he told me he loved me, but it was another two weeks before I said it back. When we had been together about four months, he proposed and I accepted. A few weeks later he broke our engagement saying that he had simply been over excited about the fact that he finally had someone and wasn't ready for such a commitment. When we'd been together about 6 months, he said, "There's no point in us being together if we're not having sex." In hindsight, since I was saving myself for marriage, or at least a proper engagement, at that time, I probably should have broken up with him then, but years of physical and sexual abuse at the hands of my brother and mental abuse from my first boyfriend had left me with absolutely no self esteem. It took me another 4 months to make up my mind, but I decided that this was probably the only guy who would ever love me and I still planed on marrying him, so I gave in.
Then there were the fights, the canceled plans, and the break ups. There were three breakups and reconciliations before this breakup. And yes, a lot of the fights were caused by me not really believing someone could really love me, which was a direct result of the abuse, but some of them were also caused by real issues and those issues have never been resolved. For example, there was the time I realized my former friend's attitude toward women had been steadily worsening since high school and I could no longer have him in my life, wondering if and when he would attack me; I was sat down and lectured, even yelled at, for that about how it was wrong of me to ask my boyfriend to give up a friend. I admit I didn't handle that situation well, but I still didn't deserve to be yelled at because I was trying to protect myself. And every time plans that had been made with me were in conflict with plans that had been made with family or friends, I was pushed aside, which happened a lot. I don't mind being canceled on every now and then, but when it's as often as it was something's not right. And the constant struggle to get him to even hold my hand. I've been starved for physical affection for nearly nine years because he’s not comfortable with too much contact. He said he loved me and truly cared for me and I believe he believed it, it may even be true, but he sure didn't show it in the way he treated me. All of this stuff sucked, but I am grateful for it because it pushed me into therapy sooner than I would have gone on my own, which led to the restoration of my self esteem.
And so, last night when we talked I said roughly this, "I know in the past I have told you that I'd rather give up on my lifelong dream of getting married and raising a family to be with you than have that dream with someone else; at the time it was true, but as I've gotten older those goals have become more important to me. When I was 18 and you were 20, it was almost expected that you were less ready to commit than I was, it was also expected that you would become more ready to commit as you got older, you still may one day, but now I'm 27, you're 28, and I'm afraid that I can't keep waiting. I need to be in a relationship that is going somewhere. I deserve to be with someone who wants the same things as I do, I deserve to be with someone who talks to me when we have problems, and I deserve to be with someone who keeps plans made with me over plans made with friends. I wish that person could be you, but it isn't. As much as I love you, I don't think we have a future together and I can't be in a relationship without a future." All he did was sweetly remind me that he's always said that he wants me to be happy and if that means being with someone else, he'd let me go; which is exactly what has me questioning my decision. Why couldn't he have yelled, or cried, or done anything else that might have confirmed my decision? Because it was the right decision, wasn't it? Did I do the right thing?