Why I hate moving and other crap that's on my mind

[wannabeelf2]

I've been doing a lot of thinking recently about the past and the way I feel now. I've lost count of all the friends I lost in my life because one of us moved away. Oh, you always say you'll keep in touch and you mean it at the time, but it rarely works out. You write letters and call each other for a while, then you stop calling because you've

Comments

[natural_flavors]

When you choose to express yourself in a public manner, it opens up the option for people to respond to it. If the email situation you are referring to was mine, I apologize for making you feel like you were being attacked- however- I don't think you should think an email about Star Wars was some emotional divulgence that shouldn't be countered. I viewed that email as a debate issue. i don't want the "however" to make my apology seem ingenuine, but I think perhaps you are a little sensitive. Most of your emails are about web stories or things along those lines. The others that do discuss your personal feelings or issues, are borderline TMI, and I believe I have only responded to one of them ever. Mostly because of the comfort issue.

I understand you are an open person and if it's advice you want, then people can give it to you, but will you feel attacked?

Honestly, and I don't mean to seem insensitive, but you have a major victim mentality complex. Every negative thing that has ever happened to you, you seem to allow to taint every aspect of your present life. I'm not saying your not entitles to emotional problems from traumatic events, but there's a line. I'm sure you can't help some of it, but you are different than most people I know who claim to have the same exact problems. I believe you specifically can move on from your problems because you are intelligent and stron-willed as far as I can tell. You dedication to Jeff is startling, but proof that you have the ability to soldier on in other situations.

You have problems with doctors-- if any dentist ever laughed at me for attempting to self-diagnose when I felt he wasn't being clear with me, i would find another dentist. If any doctor wouldn't explain my condition, i would call them to ask them or find a doctor who would. If i wrote revealing emails and felt attacked by responses, i would stop writing them.

I'm a big believer in tough love. And mind over matter. I feel a person pretty much decides how long they are going to be unhappy. If you allow your memories, intangible figments of the mind, to affect you forever, your going to just lose time you will never get back. You have control of yourself from today forward. If you choose not to overcome you obsticles through any means necessary, then you are damning yourself to a life of anxiety and sadness. NOTHING is permanent. You have the capacity to change--- I just don't think you sound like you want to.

[wannabeelf2]

Who said I was unhappy? I am, but no more than I think is appropriate for someone in a long distance relationship, with no friends in her current location, and no money to go back to visit the friends in her old location. But I wasn't upset by any of this when I was writing it; if I had been my current mood would have been some variation of "sad" instead of "introspective."

I am a victim; I was beaten, practically raped, and made to feel less than nothing--all by people who were supposed to care about me and never intentionally hurt me. That has an effect on a person that is undeniable. I used to deny the effect and it almost destroyed me. Now I know that I have problems and I am working on them, but I've only been working on them for a year and there's a lot to do. One of the ways I work on them is to think about what caused them and the effect they have and send that out into the void. Some wounds never fully heal; I will never be as "normal" as someone who wasn't abused, but I fully intend to get as close as I possibly can and I'm on my way. Yet I constantly worry about the children I intend to have. Will history repeat itself? Will I be as blind to what's happening as my parents were? Will I drive my children away by watching them too closely because of my fear of history repeating itself?

I was referring to the Star Wars thing, and others in the past; however, it wasn't what you said, but how you said it. Something in the wording put me right back in high school where all I heard all day was, "Oh, what am I going to do? This guy has a crush on me and I'm not interested," or, "My parents are ruining my life!" Did I say, "You're going to realize how lucky you are, bitch! No one will even look twice at me!" or "Oh yeah? Well mine ignore it when my brother beats me, so deal with it!" as I probably should have? No, I thought these people were my friends, so I just listened and offered a shoulder to cry on and a pat on the back. And the one time, ONE, that I say to my "friends", "We just found out that my father's been cheating on my mother since I was two and now they're talking to a divorce lawyer," expecting to get the same support I gave them, what happens? Someone says, "You're a complainer! All you do is complain," and they all walk away from me because nothing that happens to me is important and my opinion doesn't matter. I know you didn't mean anything like that, but that's the way it made me feel; and that's my problem, not yours, just one of the many issues I'm working on. Someday that I'm really looking forward to, I won't feel that way any more, but this is not that day.

Do you know what I do all day? I sit on my ass in front of my computer for two hours trying to find a job. Then I get up and get breakfast. Then I come back, turn on the TV, and sit on my ass in front of the computer playing games or surfing the Internet for something interesting. When I find that interesting thing online or hear it on TV, sometimes I think it's so interesting that my friends might like to know it too, so I send them a link. But I never get so much as a "that's cool" back from them, and that is upsetting because, even though it's just some silly little thing, I am trying to keep in touch and they're not.

The problem with trying to find other doctors and dentists when you're stuck with crappy ones is money. My orthopedist was the only one covered by my insurance who would see me. And though I'm still not sure I really needed that root canal, I did have a cavity that needed seeing to and no dental insurance to be able to afford the second opinion I wanted. What was I supposed to do, walk out of my surgical appointment just because the guy was an asshole? Yeah, I'm pissed at the situation--I have a right to be--but I really didn't have any other choice that resulted in some degree of heath care.

[natural_flavors]

I never said you were unhappy, I was just giving an example of how I believe people are in control of how much they let their emotions affect them.

You sound as if you earn this badge of "victim" and you have it sewn to your skin forever. You speak of it almost as if you want the recognition for it as an excuse for your failures or inabilities to cope with emotions. Maybe that's true, but you talk of the awareness of that with such lucidity that I can't help but point out that I think you are purposefully putting yourself in denial of your ability to move passed it. I'm not saying to bury in your psyche, i just think you have the ability to go, ok- this happened and I'm not going to let it define me.

I think it would be a horrible thing to be paranoid about a son of yours abusing his sister. That is your fears that your children should NEVER have to pay for. When you're a parent, your job is not to enflict emotional debts on your children as a result of the shortcomings of your life. That's unfair to little people who have nothing to do with your past. That goes for abuse victims or stage mothers or anyone who has issues like that who take it out on their offspring.

The Star Wars thing wasn't a "one time you complain and someone calls you a whiner" situation. I was TELLING you, flat out, that you have a chick-y view of Star Wars because that's the exact opinion of other girls I know. I know girls who haven't even seen Star Wars and go, aw, Jar Jar was cute, or Jar Jar was the only saving grace of that movie and anyone with a brain is better than that... I mean come on. But that's mostly a joking matter. Who cares what i think of what you think about Star Wars, it's just my opinion. No big deal.

I was the same way with my friends when I was younger and sometimes I still get problem dumped on, but you just have to shrug and accept that a lot of people don't have the same emotional or supportive maturity that you do. You keep friends for their good qualities and deal with their bad ones if they're worth it, and that commonly includes bad listener or bad advice giver.

I'm sorry that you are unfufilled with your email responses. It's hard to keep friends when you move, but you can't wait around for those relationships to pan out when you really truly can be making new friends. You have to make a life where you are, because no one else is going to care more than you do. That's the most important thing I learned from being a military kid. People get so many emails a day, replying with a one word "Cool." or "Awesome." is not typically worth it. I don't think people understand how much you are expecting gratification from it. I'm sorry to say, but everyone is guilty of it at some point.

The doctor thing- I hear so much bull about people being in some unchangable bad medical situation where they can't make a phonecall and get a second opinion or ask a question. If you never ask, you'll never learn. They have nurse lines and live chats online if that's up your alley. Sometimes you can call a doctor's office and explain your situation and they may be nice enough to give you advice. I've done it, you just have to understand you DO have options and use them or keep believeing that your one situation is the only one. Again, I'm sorry to sound insensitive but I'm tired of this willingness of people to stand by and appear helpless when they're not about issues involving things that can affect their whole lives. I've been insuranceless, on government provided Medicaid and been with insurance company- I don't let them tell me what to do about my health and we haven't paid a cent extra for any of that. My health is non negotiable.

If you could step back and read what you write-- you're asking for help. I don't know if you want it from anyone or just Jeff-- but I'm gonna tell you straight if that's what you need. I'm not trying to be a bitch but it seems like you want honest feedback, so I'm willing to give it. If you can't handle it, then disable comments or de-friend me, because I can only sit by and handle so much. I have 5 other friends identical to you and I think I have been a bad friend by not saying what you may need to hear. It's not just me, but I may be the only one to say it to your face.

[wannabeelf2]

Any physiologist worth his or her salt will tell you that abuse is something that the victim can never move 100% past; it has a permanent effect on his or her personality. Fortunately, it made me stronger; unfortunately, it left a whole slew of problems with empathizing too much with what I hear on the news, feeling emotions that are incongruous with the situation that caused them, and more. I tried doing as you advise before; for a long time, I firmly believed that because I liked myself, none of what had happened to me mattered because it made me who I was, but that wasn't true. I was constantly depressed, occasionally suicidal, and I drove people away because of my problems--I even tried to kill my brother once. Then I entered therapy and learned I had to deal with my problems in order to move on and ignoring them only made them worse. That's what I'm doing and it takes a long time; but, slowly but surely, I am getting better.

I have acknowledged twice now that I know you did not mean to make me feel the way you made me feel with your response and once that I am working on not feeling that way anymore in similar situations in the future. I don't know what else to say about it.

There is a difference between asking for help and venting. Yes, I wanted acknowledgement and validation or else I would have made this entry private. But I neither needed nor wanted help. My brain had been stuck on these thoughts for a while and I had to put them in writing so I could move on to the next topic. That's all the help I needed. Also, as I said, if it hadn't turned out more depressing and self pitying than I meant it to, I would have used it as part of the letter I've been trying to write since I got here just so I had something of substance to say.